Never Again
by albe-chan
Summary: Remus finds out that the ones we love don't always love us the way we deserve and that there really can be second chances with long lost lovers. VERY MATURE. SLASH. SEX. GRAPHIC VIOLENCE. RLOC. RLSB. slight JPLE. RATED R or NC-17. Seriously people...
1. Chapter 1

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **this one goes out to two people for very different reasons. The first is my Mum, who is my heroine, and who endured physical, mental and verbal abuse for the seventeen years she was married as well as being sexually assaulted by my father, not to mention being verbally abused from a few boyfriends afterward, as well as being raped by a man in our neighbourhood earlier this year (who she is now taking to court). Yet throughout this all, she's been a pillar of strength and kept a positive outlook on life, and I don't think I'd be half the person I am without her. The second is my father, who decided for me a long time ago what sort of person I never wanted to be. So here we go. 'Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness…' Cheers!

PS. – This is the first bit in (yet another) chapter fic…although this one is almost done being pre-written! I promise. (:

XXX

Remus Lupin looked into the mirror at his reflection, hating himself. It was two years after the infamous Marauders had graduated, and he'd moved out onto his own the previous year with his new boyfriend.

This move had come with the cursory mixed reactions from his friends. Peter, who was still uncomfortable even _saying_ the word 'gay', didn't say much, but was polite enough. Lily was immensely pleased that he'd found someone special to settle down with and was continuously asking when she and James would get their wedding invitation. For his part, James was mildly wary of this man living with his longtime friend, but lived by the motto 'to each his own' and was courteous and friendly. Sirius, on the other hand, hated Remus' boyfriend. The lycan often teased him it was because he'd picked his new man over Sirius (with whom he'd had a bit of a thing during their last year at Hogwarts), and this was partially true. Sirius was jealous of this stranger taking up so much of his Mooney's time, but also just plain didn't trust the bastard.

Remus' boyfriend Michael was a charmer with his dashingly rugged good looks and gorgeous body. Generally, he liked Remus' friends, most especially Lily, who was just as bluntly hilarious and outgoing as ever. He didn't really respect Peter, which was to be expected, as the Animagus disagreed with their entire basis of their relationship on principal, but they got on well enough. Michael genuinely liked James, finding him a guy's guy, through and through, and appreciating his honest, friendly nature.

As for Sirius, Michael hated him just as much as the other hated him. Whenever he happened to be visiting when Michael got home from work, it would undoubtedly sour his mood. He didn't trust the Animagus, to be frank. He was seemingly always flirting with Remus and the naïve lycan seemed to neither notice or care. Needless to say, it pissed Michael off, and they had gotten in more than one nasty shouting match over it throughout their relationship.

It was a sweltering afternoon in the dead heat of August, almost at the two-month mark since Remus had moved into his new little flat with Michael, when everything changed, and none for the better.

Sirius had popped by after doing some work for the Order of the Phoenix just before lunch, and Remus had invited his old friend to stay for the meal. With his lover working days, Remus found the almost constant isolation a smidge depressing (though he had gotten through a large portion of reading he'd been putting off for years), and he looked forward to the times when his friends would drop in, or ask him out to lunch or some such thing.

Because of the heat, Remus had made only a picnic-style lunch for himself and Sirius, and the pair lounged comfortably on the living room sofa, munching sandwiches and flipping through the television. "Mer-lin," Sirius sighed after he'd stuffed himself to contentment and slumped comfortably on the couch. "It's fucking hot out, Mooney. How are you not melting to death yet?"

Remus shrugged, smiling at Sirius' overdramatics. "Low body temperature? I don't know." He smirked. "Or maybe it's because I'm not as hot as you."

"Hmm, you're right, I am undoubtedly hot," said Sirius, leaning into Remus' personally bubble. "Gosh, how'd you get so smart?"

"They're called books, you should try them."

Sirius laughed lazily. "Never heard of them. But seriously, I think I might be permanently melted to your couch." He waved his hands in a feeble attempt to get some air flowing over him.

"You want something cold to drink?" Remus asked, standing to get his friend a drink.

"Yes," Sirius replied. "Fuck this," he added, peeling off his decidedly sweaty t-shirt. He accepted the bottle of Butterbeer from his old friend with a smile. "Thanks Mooney. Ahh, that hits the spot." He took another hearty sip and relaxed once more. "Almost reminds me of the old days," Sirius said softly after silence stretched between them.

"How d'you mean?" Remus asked, brow wrinkling.

"Oh, you know, near the end of term, after exams and all that…just you and me, sitting in the dorm, not doing anything." The Animagus shifted and offered Remus a sip of his drink.

The lycanthrope accepted silently, smiling as well. "Oh damn," he sighed as he missed his mouth, attempting to keep eye contact with Sirius, and slopped Butterbeer down his front. He stood and was halfway through unbuttoning his soaked shirt, when the sounds of a key fumbling at a lock had both him and Sirius turning toward the door.

Michael opened the door, a greeting for his lover halfway out of his mouth, when he stopped short at the scene before him. There was Remus, his shirt most of the way undone, smiling at him, and his half-naked quasi-ex-boyfriend sitting on the couch, throwing him disinterested look.

"Hey, hon," Remus greeted brightly. "You _just_ missed lunch. Padfoot stopped by, so I asked him if he wanted to stay and…" Remus fell silent at the dark look spreading over his boyfriend's features.

"Oh really," Michael said coolly, gaze flicking from Remus to Sirius and back. "And you just, what, decided you'd both get undressed afterward?"

Sirius stood silently, putting his half finished Butterbeer on the coffee table. "I think I'll head out now, Remus," he said lightly, and Remus nodded silently, still too stunned to speak. How many times did he have to say it? _He was not having sex with Sirius_!! "See you around. Michael," he added in vague acknowledgement to the blond man standing beside his longtime friend.

"Sirius," said Michael just as dispassionately, watching as the dark haired man Disapparated with a gentle CRACK! He didn't bother to look at Remus as he loosened his tie.

"Are we going to talk about this, or are you just going to be all-?" Remus was cut off by the loud, unforgiving sound of fist colliding painfully with jaw. He stumbled backward and fell, tears of pain stinging his eyes as fire erupted across the lower half of his face. He could taste blood in his mouth and deduced his lip was bleeding. He dabbed it gently with his hand as mingled shock and numb outrage overloaded his brain. Had his boyfriend, the man who'd claimed he loved him, just _hit_ him?

"I don't want you seeing him again unless I'm around," Michael said coldly, still refusing to meet Remus' gaze. Tears of a different nature swam in Remus' eyes. He climbed to his feet, pressing a tentative hand gingerly to his rapidly darkening jaw.

"What the fuck?" he demanded. "You think you can just tell me what I can and cannot do? You don't fucking own me!" Michael spun so fast, Remus hardly noticed the blur of motion that was his fist arcing towards him. It slammed like a truck into his midsection, forcing the air from his lungs and the floor rose up to meet Remus again. A sharp kick was aimed at his kidneys as he struggled to force oxygen into his burning lungs, and the tears of pain slipped unnoticed from the corners of his eyes.

Michael looked down at him, disgust and anger fighting for dominance in his eyes. "I do own you, do you understand?" He crouched and took his lover's face in his hands so that Remus couldn't look away. "And so long as I own you, you'll do whatever the fuck I say and not ask questions. Do I have to repeat any of that?" His voice was deep and emotionless and Remus, had he been able, would've shrunk away from its alien lack of warmth. It sounded nothing like the funny, charming youth he'd become so smitten with.

His head shook frantically of its own accord as his numb mind took control of himself. "No," he whispered thickly.

"Good." Michael stood, releasing Remus, who sat up slowly, his head pounding and his ribs aching. "Go clean yourself up, then you can make me some lunch."

Remus stumbled into the bathroom, feeling defeated and angry and nauseous all at once. He looked at his reflection, flinching unconsciously at the dark, angry, purpling mark on the left side of his face; it would undoubtedly bruise. He quickly splashed some water on his face, carefully drying it on the hand towel, and rinsed his mouth out. He felt like he'd just woken from the full.

That night, Remus was lying in bed, reading, when his lover knocked softly on the doorframe. "Remus?" he said softly, and the lycan couldn't help but raise his eyes questioningly. "Oh baby," Michael murmured, moving forward and sliding onto the bed beside his boyfriend. "I'm so sorry Remus…I never meant to hurt you…" Tears welled up in the blond's startlingly clear blue eyes and Remus set his book aside, pulling him closer.

"It's okay," he sighed. "I understand."

Michael wrapped his arms around the lithe young man and pulled him close, burying his face in Remus' neck. "I'm so sorry, Remus," he repeated. "I just got so angry… I don't trust Black, he wants you Remus, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I love you so much…"

Remus smiled, ignoring the vague twinge of pain. "I love you too. Please, just…it's in the past, okay?" Michael nodded and their lips met, melting seamlessly together.

But much later, as he lay half awake on the very border of sleep, feeling Michael breathing evenly behind him and feeling his boyfriend's arms wrapped possessively around his middle, Remus' subconscious couldn't help but wonder if it was true. Did he really love this man? Then came the forgetful bliss of sleep, and the question faded back into the ether of his mind, where it belonged. Of course he loved Michael. That's why they were together.

XXX

"Oh my God, Remus! What the hell happened to you!?" Lily Evans (soon to be Potter) cried. It was the next day, which was promising to be just as swelteringly hot as the one before, and Remus had planned on meeting Lily for lunch at her and James' little cottage in Godric's Hollow.

Remus stepped over the threshold of the humble house, closing the door behind him. He'd been expecting just this sort of outburst from Lily, and had his answer ready. He made a face. "I walked into a door. Luckily, not while it was closed, as that seems to be James' forte, but when it was open; I had my head turned and walked smack into the part between the sides. Stupid really." He smiled reassuringly, and breathed a sigh of relief when Lily did too, buying his story. She was as clever as they came and the last thing he needed was her prying into his business.

Lily stared at Remus, shaking her head. "You really need to watch out for those open doors Remus," she teased. "I think I may have actually done that once too. Hurt like a sonofabitch."

Remus chuckled. "Somehow all the brilliant people turn out to be completely uncoordinated."

"Mmm, too true," Lily agreed as she led Remus back into the sitting room. "Speaking of which, I just got an owl from James; he says he's finished up with the Order sooner than he thought, so he'll be joining us for lunch. I hope you don't mind waiting a few minutes for him…"

Remus smiled mechanically as he took a seat in Lily and James' neat little sitting room and accepted a cup of tea. "Not at all," he replied in a cheery voice that was entirely fabricated. Fooling Lily was one thing; she'd really only known him for maybe half as many years as James and much less intimately. James on the other hand, knew every one of his tells, could always somehow figure out when he was lying, and seemed to have an uncanny knack for guessing the ugly truths Remus tried to hide. After all, with the help of Sirius, he had figured out his friend was a werewolf at the age of twelve…certainly he wouldn't be fooled by a flimsy cover story.

The automatic part of his brain forced a calm, relaxed exterior and chatted idly with Lily about this and that while Remus tried to figure out some excuse to get him out of there before James came home. Just when he was thinking of faking an upset stomach or something just as un-prove-able, the door nearly exploded off its hinges at the force with which is was opened, and Lily said wryly, "I think James is home."

"Lily, I'm ho-ome!" James hollered. "And I come bearing Padfoot! …Or…not really bearing him, more leading him." There was an indignant snort, and Remus felt his heart sink. He was utterly and completely fucked. Not only had James come, but, even worse, he'd brought Sirius with him and together they would _undoubtedly_ see right through his little façade. …Not even to mention he wasn't supposed to be seeing Padfoot without his boyfriend present…

Remus pasted what he hoped was a convincing smile on his face as Sirius and James entered the room, looking as confident and carefree the first time Remus had seen them on the Hogwarts Express. James stooped to kiss Lily dutifully, then turned to greet his old friend as Sirius hugged Lily in greeting. "Merlin's pants!" James exclaimed. "What've you done to your face!?"

Sirius looked up and his eyebrows shot almost completely into the dark mass of his luscious hair. "You haven't been getting in drunken bar fights without me, Mooney, have you?" Sirius asked, sounding scandalized. Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Hardly," he replied, looking just beyond Sirius' left shoulder. "I walked into a door."

There was a silence before the two best friends burst into giggles. "Oh Merlin!" Sirius sighed, dropping into an armchair. "I never thought I'd say this Mooney, old chap, but-"

"But you may just be as daft as Sirius," James interrupted. "How in the name of Betty Crocker did you manage to walk into a door?"

"Yeah," Sirius chipped in, smirking. "I thought that was Prongs' special talent."

Remus visibly relaxed and explained his story about it only being the thickness of the door he'd walked into, thanking God or Merlin or whoever lived up there and controlled these things that his friends were swallowing his cock and bull story. As much as he disapproved of lying, he didn't want them to worry or (even worse) get fired up and possibly ruin his relationship with Michael.

His lover had said he was sorry and that was good enough by Remus.

It was a week later that he realized just how sorry Michael could be. He'd come home from shopping with Lily, much later than expected owing to the fact they'd met an old classmate down in Hogsmeade, only to find his lover sitting half-drunk at the kitchen table, waves of anger pulsating from him.

"Michael? Baby?" he'd asked, stepping tentatively toward him.

"Where were you?" the blond demanded coldly, his voice emotionless and frightening again.

"I-I went shopping with Lily, like I told you this morning I was going to, and-"

"And that took four fucking hours?"

Remus flinched at the harsh, accusatory tone. "No, but we met an old classmate, and stopped to talk and time just…got away from us…" A thick, heavy silence stretched between the two, Michael still staring away from Remus and Remus staring imploringly at the back of his lover's head, afraid to make any sort of noise. "Michael, I never meant to-"

"You really like to push my buttons, don't you?' he said softly, dangerously.

"Wh-what?" Remus murmured, confused and scared and on the verge of tears. Michael stood and turned to face him, his face oddly emotionless.

"How dare you fucking lie to me."

"I'm not!" Remus cried immediately. "I swear; I'm not lying! I-" He didn't get to finish his sentence as the back of Michael's palm flashed out, striking him hard across the face and sending him tumbling into the kitchen table and chairs.

"Lies!" he bellowed and Remus flinched noticeably. "Get up!" the lycan scrambled to his feet and Michael pulled him forward into a brutal embrace, completely devoid of intimacy or warmth. His mouth closed greedily over Remus', his stubble-strewn cheek as rough as sandpaper on the lycan's skin. A hand grabbed his arse and pulled him yet closer, the taste and smell of alcohol making Remus feel nauseous.

Then suddenly, Michael was throwing his lover away from himself. "You belong to me now, you got that?" he growled in a soft and utterly frightening voice. Remus paused, mustering all his Gryffindor courage as he looked at this man he tried to convince himself he loved. 'No,' he told himself stubbornly, 'I _do_ love him. Come on Remus!'

"I…I don't 'belong' to anyone Michael," he said in as frosty a voice as he could muster. His boyfriend's eyes narrowed calculatingly.

"Is that so?" Michael replied. He took a menacing step forward and Remus shrank back against the kitchen chair. The mark from his boyfriend's backhanded slap was darkening ominously and his hands trembled on the back of the chair they clutched. "Well?" Michael demanded. "I asked you a fucking question you piece of shit."

"It…yes. You don't own me," Remus said quietly, trying to stay the frantic beating of his heart.

Michael nodded gently, and Remus felt the breath he'd been holding whoosh out of him in relief. "You're right," said his lover softly. "You're right…" He stepped toward Remus and the lycan didn't move away, but stood his ground as arms opened to receive him. He pulled Remus' rather stiff form against himself, holding him tight. Then suddenly, his arms were like iron bands around Remus, trapping him as effectively as a rodent in a mousetrap. "I love you so much, Remus," he breathed. Remus tried to swallow his panic. "I don't know what I'd do without you… I need you. I love you to fucking _death_."

Then he let Remus go and the lycan forced a smile. "I love you too." Michael smiled at the words and Remus felt his heart sinking as a sense of helplessness welled up inside him.

It was three days after their little spat, and Remus was humming to himself as he made his way to the Order of the Phoenix meeting that was being held in the Hog's Head. Michael had shown no outward signs of aggression since their encounter, and Remus was sure that his lover had turned over a new leaf; so sure in fact, that when his lover had proposed to him the previous night after much heated, passionate lovemaking, Remus had accepted.

He pulled open the door to the pub and spotted Sirius immediately. He was by far the rowdiest person in the room; probably owing to the fact he'd arrived early and had several cursory drinks beforehand. "Mooney!' he cried upon spotting the werewolf. "Wondered when you'd get here…how goes it, darling?"

Remus rolled his eyes and lifted Sirius' arm from around his shoulders. "I'm fine," he said brightly, sitting next to Lily and James. Sirius plonked himself down as well, a frown spreading over his handsome features.

"What's this?" he asked fingers smoothing over the vaguely faded handprint on Remus' face.

"Nothing," Remus lied, and Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but at that moment, Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat for silence, and his words went unuttered.

As soon as the meeting had wrapped up, Remus was at the door to the pub, opening it onto the sunshine, and checking his watch. He'd told Michael he would be home at five, and it was already ten to. "Remus!" Sirius called from inside, and as much as he hated doing it, Remus simply pretended he hadn't heard, and strode out into the street, Disapparating with a distinct crack.

Sirius, who had shoved past people in his hurry to catch up to Remus, growled in frustration as he watched the lycan Disapparate. "Fuck!"

"What are you swearing for?" Lily asked as James and she exited a moment later. "And why did you shove Alice into a table?"

"I wanted to talk to Remus! I think he's avoiding me…"

"Why would he avoid you?" James asked skeptically.

"I don't know, but he had another mark on his face today, and it looked like a handprint…"

"Sirius," said Lily, stopping in mid stride and turning to face her fiancé's best friend. "If Remus was being smacked around he would tell us. He's not stupid."

"Yeah, but what if-?"

"What if I get hit by a bus tomorrow?" Lily countered before the Animagus could finish (while James looked moderately horrified). "There's too many 'what if's to worry about. You'll make yourself crazy with it."

"But Sirius is already crazy," Peter pointed out.

"Well there's always room for improvement, right?"

Meanwhile, Remus had unlocked his front door and was just picking up the mail that had been crammed unceremoniously under the door by their half-crazy foreign landlady (Remus never understood a word that came out of her mouth), when Michael came home. "Now there's a sight to come home to," he chuckled, and Remus straightened, smiling back. They exchanged the perfunctory kiss that all couples share when greeting one another, and Michael closed the door behind them. "So I hope you won't mind, but I invited a few friends from work by to celebrate the engagement tonight. I thought you could use that handy owl we keep to post James and Lily and Peter to see if they'd like to come as well."

"And Sirius," Remus said firmly, tossing the mail onto the kitchen counter. Michael rolled his eyes.

"And Black, sure why the hell not?" Remus grinned and kissed him, throwing arms around his neck.

"Good. That sounds lovely…let me just go send off those letters then, and I'll start dinner." Michael nodded as he went to the fridge and pulled out a beer.

An hour and a half later, Remus had a roast in the oven with potatoes and carrots ready to serve on the stovetop to keep warm, and the little flat was comfortably filled with people, all talking and laughing and drinking.

"So how come you never mentioned that you're getting _married_ at the meeting today?" Lily asked, sampling Remus' cooking as Michael pulled beers from the refrigerator for his friends. The blond man straightened and shot Remus a covert look.

"I just…wanted to wait for the right time is all," he replied smoothly, smiling brightly as Michael moved away somewhat stiffly. "And what better time than now?"

"Mmm," Lily agreed as she chewed. "But still, I would've thought you'd tell everyone, or at least Pete, James and Sirius, right away; and me of course. I thought I would be the first to know."

Remus pulled the sizzling roast from the oven carefully. "Yes, well I also thought you'd've come to your senses about James by now."

Much later, after everyone had left (or been shunted out the front door at least), Remus sighed and flopped down onto the couch beside his fiancé, who was looking most melancholy and had been unusually subdued most of the evening. "What's wrong babe?" Remus asked softly, running gentle fingers up and down Michael's arm.

"How come you never told Lily and your friends we were getting married?"

"I wanted to wait for the best time, preferably when you were there," Remus replied as his forehead wrinkled in his confusion. Was this why his lover had been so quiet? Did he think he, Remus, didn't really want to be with him?

'_But do you really?'_ asked a snide voice in his head that he promptly shushed. Of course he did.

"So you still want to marry me?" Michael asked, looking disbelieving.

"Of course! I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't!" Remus replied firmly, pulling the other man towards himself. "I love you," he added quietly.

"I love you too, Remus," said Michael, "I love you more than anything. I would die for you… I don't know what I'd do without you." Remus pasted a smile on his face as that snide voice raised its nonexistent eyebrows in his head. "I love you to death, Remus…to death."

"I know babe. Me too," the lycan murmured, wondering why he felt as though someone had just walked over his grave.

XXX


	2. Chapter 2

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **WOW! The feedback for this has been so amazing!! Big hugs go out to everyone who reviewed last chapter…it honestly makes me feel like everything was worth it to be able to write this and share my story… But enough of me getting all emotional now! Just a warning that things heat up a bit this chapter (squint and you won't have to see who I put Remus with), and Michael will truly become deserving of everyone's wrath. That's it! 'You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right…' Cheers!

PS. – the ending for this story will follow along with similar to how my Mom's life is now. Pretty fucking close to a fairy (no pun intended) tale dream if I may say so. (;

XXX

"Hey Remus?"

"Hmm?" It was the following weekend, and Michael was home on one of his rare days off. Remus was sorting clean and dirty laundry in the bedroom, and his hubby-to-be stood in the doorway, looking pensive.

"I've been thinking…"

"About what?" Remus asked, pausing in his sorting to pat the bed in a motion for his boyfriend to sit.

"Well…" said Michael, sitting on the edge of their shared bed, "it's just… Well I work, right? And support us and all that, and I don't mind it, but…" He bit his lip as though hesitant to speak what was really on his mind. "I want you to give up magic."

Remus stared, dumbfounded. It was rather similar to the time Padfoot had told him he'd fancied him in seventh year. Shock, disbelief and an insane urge to start laughing fought for dominance in him, and he reacted much the same way he had on that blustery winter night in his memories. He burst into raucous, nervous laughter, hoping it was all some sort of bad-humour charade.

Michael's face darkened. "What's so funny?' he snapped.

"N-nothing," Remus replied, trying to school his features into seriousness. "But…you can't be serious, can you? How could I give up magic?"

"Simple…just stop doing it."

"But-"

"Look, I'm not going to argue this with you, Remus," said Michael with awful finality as he stood up. "Either you give up magic or you give up me. Your choice."

"Michael," said Remus rather breathlessly. He couldn't give up _magic_. That was like…like giving up breathing for Godric's sake! "I'm a wizard, I can't just _stop_ doing magic…it's who I am!"

"No, it's not," said Michael, his voice raising. "Who you _are_ is my boyfriend, and I don't like having to explain to my friends why we keep a fucking _owl_ in the house or why there's Firewhiskey in the cabinet instead of normal booze!" He was shouting now and Remus leaned away from him.

"I'm…I can't give it up, Michael," said Remus quietly, going back to his sorting.

"I should've known; you're sleeping with Black, aren't you? Is that why you don't want to give up magic, because your little fuck buddy is a freak like you?"

Tears stung Remus' eyes. "I'm not a freak," he whispered without much certainty. Michael laughed humourlessly.

"Yeah fucking right. You're the biggest fucking freak I've ever met! No, I'm not even going to waste my time arguing with you. You _will_ give up magic."

"But what about the Order? What about my friends, and-"

"I don't care, Remus!" Michael shouted over him. "I. Don't. Fucking. Care. You can do your spells and whatever when you're at your little meetings, but I _forbid_ you to use magic in my house." Suddenly, he was looming over Remus, dark and ominous and frightening. "Do you understand me?"

"Y-yes," Remus said meekly, flinching backward out of his lover's shadow.

"Good. Now go make me something to eat, I'm hungry." Remus stood, abandoning his clothes sorting, heading silently for the kitchen. Just as Remus got to the doorway, Michael called back over his shoulder, "Oh, and if I ever see you doing your hocus pocus shit in my house, I'll snap your goddamn wand in half." He threw the words out conversationally, but Remus heard the ringing authority behind them. And, like he was wont to do, the lycanthrope took the easy way out and said nothing in response.

Remus watched the sunlight pouring in through the drapes in his bedroom window, listening to the silence of his flat, and wondering what he was going to do. Michael had left early for work, as usual, and Remus had been lying in their bed for an indefinite amount of time, trying to figure out how he could still do magic without Michael finding out. Remus had never dreamed, after telling his Muggle lover what and whom he was (to some extent anyway), that Michael would then tell him he had to give up magic. He'd seemed genuinely shocked and intrigued when he'd found out about the universe parallel to his own…or so Remus had thought at the time.

Sighing and rolling over, the lycan breathed deep the scent of Michael, still embedded in the warmth of the sheets. He was just drifting back off to sleep again when there was a faint whooshing sound from the living room and a voice calling "Mooney? You here mate?"

Remus groaned and thrust his head deeper into the pillow. What he needed right now was silence to think, not Sirius Black making noise and being dashing and witty and far too intuitive for his own good. "I'm sleeping," he called back and heard the approaching footsteps that paused just outside the bedroom door.

"What in the name of Salazar's shorts are you still doing in bed at this hour? Get up Moonshine! Time to rise and shine!!"

"Go away," Remus muttered into his blanket as he curled into the warmth of it. "And since when did you become Mr. Chipper in the morning?"

"Remus," said Sirius striding into the room and flopping onto the bed beside his longtime friend, "it's almost eleven. Why're you really still in bed. C'mon…tell Padfoot and I'll help you sort out whatever it is that needs sorting." The lycan groaned and pulled the blanket over his head, ignoring Sirius. Sirius sighed as he got up and gripped the edge of the blanket in his hands. "Either get out of this bed, Remus Lupin, or I'll force you out of it. One…two…two and a half…"

"Fuck off Padfoot!" Remus said without venom.

"Don't say I didn't warn you…" And with those ominous words still hanging in the air, Sirius whipped the blanket off of Remus like a magician revealing a Vanished tiger. Only there wasn't a Vanished tiger under Remus' blanket, but a completely naked werewolf, whose face was now bright red as he attempted to cover his bits.

"Sirius!" he shouted, outraged that not only was he lying on his mattress naked, but freezing to boot. He sat up and snatched the blanket back, hastily wrapping himself in it. Sirius however, looked amused and surprised in equal amounts.

"I never knew you slept naked, Mooney…"

"Get out! Just…go wait in the living room for me!" Sirius obeyed and left, and Remus tried to force the blush staining his cheeks away but with about as much success as he had trying to be angry with Sirius, instead of slightly pleased at how the Animagus' eyes had devoured his nakedness. In short, he failed miserably at both.

He exited the bedroom a few minutes later, dressed in pyjamas and wrapped securely in his robe. "Well now that I'm _awake_, what do you want?" Remus said as he shuffled into the kitchen to make coffee. He turned to find Sirius right behind him. "Don't do that!" he yelped, clutching his chest and backing into the countertop.

Sirius' brow contracted slightly. "We need to talk Remus. And I won't take no for an answer." He moved and sat down at the little table and the lycan joined him somewhat reluctantly. "Now…why have you been avoiding me?"

"I haven't been avoiding you," Remus said, looking away and trying to convince himself in the process. "I've been…busy."

Sirius snorted. "Oh yes, taking care of your boy-toy must be _exhausting_. Don't lie to me Mooney."

Remus looked up, glaring. "Shut up Padfoot, what do you know about taking care of anyone besides yourself?" He immediately felt guilty at the hurt look that flickered across Sirius' face and sighed. "I'm sorry. But I really have been bus-"

"Enough of that toss Remus. I _know_ you've been avoiding me, and Prongs and Wormy, and fuck even _Lily,_ agree. You owl me at least once a week, Mooney, and I haven't seen or heard from you in ages. What's up really?"

"Michael doesn't like me talking to you," Remus said before his half-asleep brain could stop him.

The Animagus gaped. "Are you fucking _serious_?"

"No, that's you," Remus replied, smiling half-heartedly at his poor attempt at humour.

"Cut the shit, Remus. Are you honestly telling me that you're avoiding me because that asshole _told_ you to?"

"He didn't _tell me_ to do anything! And he is _not_ an asshole!" Remus got up angrily, hating that Sirius was right, and poured himself some coffee. "Want some?" he asked stiffly.

"Sure. All right, I'm sorry I called him an asshole, but really Remus. He can't just…suggest that you start ignoring one of your best friends." He looked at Remus slightly concernedly as the lycanthrope passed him a steaming cup of java. He tapped it slightly with his wand to cool it and took a sip. Remus was silent as he took a sip of his own drink and burned his tongue. "Is he hitting you, Mooney?" Sirius asked quietly after several long seconds ticked by.

Remus looked up. "What in the hell makes you ask that? No, I don't even want to know…"

"Is he?" the Animagus demanded.

"No!"

"Then why did you have that great big handprint on your face at the last order meeting? Walk into another door, did you?"

"Fuck off Sirius! Michael is _not_ hitting me." Remus had banged the table in his annoyance and coffee sloshed over the rim of his cup and onto the table. He got up to retrieve paper towel to wipe it up, but Sirius had already completed the task when he turned back.

"Would you tell me if he was?"

Remus looked into the slightly narrowed grey eyes of his longtime friend. He wanted with all his heart to say yes, but…Sirius just didn't understand. He steeled himself. He loved Michael and he would respect his wishes. "I think you should go Sirius," he said dully.

Sirius remained sitting for a moment, continuing to survey him with those blindingly gorgeous eyes, and then stood. "If that's what you want…"

"It is."

Sirius nodded and a rather sad look appeared on his face. "Okay. Well if you need anything, you know where to find me," and with that, he Disapparated with the usual loud CRACK.

XXX

Remus had never fully appreciated before just how much harder things were without magic. He now felt a distinct sense of empathy for his mother that, until now, had gone unknown. It was almost three weeks since he had last seen or heard from Sirius. He'd been to several more Order meetings, but at each one, Sirius had avoided his gaze and sat well away from him; he felt guilty but knew that it was for the best in the long run. James and Lily and Peter were naturally suspicious, but followed Remus' lead in not mentioning it.

Many times in the last weeks, Remus had been on the verge of owling his friend and apologizing and telling him the truth, but had stopped himself. He knew that Sirius would come in and rescue him, be his knight in shining armour, yet always there was the nagging thought plaguing him; a memory of words his lover had spoken. "I love you to fucking _death_." He couldn't leave Michael; he wouldn't.

Truth be told, Remus was afraid. Afraid of what might happen if he _did_ try to leave; afraid of what Michael might do. He was afraid that if he left the man, those words might actually come true, that Michael _would _love him…to death.

He shook his head firmly at this thought. He was being silly; sure Michael and he had gotten into their fair share of fights in the last three weeks, and true, Michael had raised a fist to Remus a few times (and let it come down on the lycan as well), but always, _always_, he apologized and always, they would make up and things would go back to normal. The only thing was, the full moon was approaching, and Remus knew it was only a matter of time before he had to think of some excuse for his absence for a few days.

He had arranged it with Lily and James, that he would stay with them, in their rarely used cellar, securely spelled and silenced for his transformation. It would be fine; he just didn't know what he was going to tell his boyfriend.

"Remus? I'm home, babe!" The lycan hitched a smile onto his face and exited the bedroom where he had been consumed with worrying over the upcoming transformation.

"Hey hon, how was work?" he asked, wrapping tender arms around Michael's neck and kissing him. He made to pull back, but Michael merely moved with him, deepening the kiss and letting his hands drag down the lycan's body greedily.

"Mmm, horrible. I haven't had a proper break all fucking day," he replied, finally breaking the kiss, but not letting Remus out of his grip.

"Want something to eat?"

Michael grinned lasciviously. "Only if you're on the menu… What I _really_ want is you, on your back with your legs over my shoulders, screaming as I pleasure you." Remus blushed heatedly, feeling passion stirring in his veins at the words.

"I don't know," he said in a mock-serious voice. "I'll have to ask the chef." He giggled as Michael bent his head and nipped playfully at his neck.

Michael grinned, capturing his mouth again and kissing him with fervor as he backed them both towards the bedroom. Remus, who could feel his lover's half-hard cock grinding sensually against his own member, felt the wolf rising rapidly in him and attempted to force it back down. Michael had always rather enjoyed being the dominant one, and had told Remus before (whose libido often got the best of him close to the full moon and encouraged his usually dormant dominant streak) that he was better as a submissive and that they worked best that way. Remus agreed generally, and rather liked Michael and his dominance, but around the full moon, the wolf usually demanded he top.

They bumped the doorframe, giggling like mad teenagers in the height of hormonal transitions, before Michael steered them toward the bed and they tumbled onto it. Clothes were torn off in their frenzy and tossed aside without a second thought until they could rub their hot hard pricks together, both moaning into each other's mouth as the delirious friction. "Yeah babe, that feels so fucking good," Michael grunted. "I've been looking forward to this all fucking day…"

Remus rolled them, straddling his lover and bended to kiss him again, his overeager cock pressing against the resistant pucker of Michael's arse. "God, me too," Remus panted as Michael bit his neck lustily and he shuddered in ecstasy. He pressed his hips forward, the head of his member pushing insistently against his lover's asshole.

"Mmm, no," Michael gasped, rolling them again so that he was atop Remus, "I said I wanted you underneath me." He leaned down and sunk his teeth into the soft sensitive skin just over Remus' collarbone, pulling the little catch of flesh into his mouth and sucking hard. The lycan yelped with combined pleasure and pain and Michael, misconstruing him, bit down harder yet.

Remus' insubstantial fingernails bit into his lover's shoulders in warning as he hurriedly thrust down his inner wolf (which was _most_ abject to what it saw as a blatant show of possessive dominance from Michael). "Not so rough babe," Remus rasped as the teeth finally slid off of his throbbing flesh, but Michael appeared not to hear. The weeping head of his cock was rubbing impatiently against Remus' arse hole as his eager hand slid between their bodies, stroking Remus' member hastily.

"Oh yeah," Michael panted, now sliding the first few inches into Remus' unprepared sphincter; it was clear to Remus that his lover was much further along than he himself was, and seemed unwilling to wait for Remus to catch up. He thrust hard, sheathing himself almost completely in the howling lycan, and again, didn't seem to notice or care that Remus' screams were not those of ecstasy, as he'd wanted, but pain at the brutal intrusion.

Michael pistoned out and then levered himself up on both arms, lifting one of Remus' legs so that he could thrust even deeper. Remus clenched his eyes shut, completely consumed with trying to keep the wolf in check as Michael fucked him roughly, panting and sweating and moaning above him. "Fuck yeah baby!" Michael called an undistinguishable number of burning thrusts later. Remus' perineum had finally resigned itself to the thick prick that slid in and out of it, and the lycan's arms slid up his lover's perspiration-oiled body as his cock stabbed deliciously at his prostate. "Oh fuck…yes, yes…I'm so close, Remus," Michael breathed, peppering the other man's face with heated kisses as his thrusts became wild and uncontrolled. "So good…so tight…yes…_yes_!"

Remus watched him as his eyes rolled back in his head, his entire body tensed with the invisible waves of pleasure that wracked him, before Michael fell, exhausted, on top of Remus and his throbbing prick, panting heavily. The lycan felt hollow and unwanted, as though he'd just walked in on his lover making love to someone other than himself. It was as though he wasn't even there to Michael, who had obligingly rolled off of him, still trying to catch his breath. Never, in the history of Remus' admittedly limited sexual experiences, had he failed to reach orgasm before, with, or directly after his lover. Never…until that moment.

His cock was red and aching and throbbing with his unfulfilled need, and he rolled onto his side, away from Michael, afraid he might cry or something as equally telltale. He didn't want Michael to know he hadn't enjoyed himself as well. After a few long, painful moments of silence, punctuated only by Michael's puffs for breath and the incessant ticking of the beside clock, Remus' lover finally rolled against him, pressing his now flaccid cock against the cleft or Remus' arse. "That was fucking amazing, baby," he murmured softly into the lycan's shoulder. "Fucking _amazing_."

"Yeah," Remus replied in what he hoped was a not-disappointed voice.

"Y'know what I could go for now, though?" his lover drawled, oblivious to the hot, hard length of Remus' penis mere inches away from his hand. Remus made a questioning sound in the back of his throat, not trusting himself to speak. "Something to eat. …Could you, hon…?"

Remus' shock rendered him paralyzed. Not only was his lover completely unaware of the fact that he was lying here, hard as a fucking rock, waiting to be treated to something sinful, but he was actually asking Remus to go and get him food now. The lycan swallowed hard and bitterly. "Sure thing, babe," he said in a falsely cheery voice, and rose, not bothering to dress, from the bed, keeping his erection out of sight. "I just have to…use the bathroom first."

"Okay," Michael said, rolling away and putting his hands behind his head as his eyelids fluttered shut. Remus hurried into the en suite, shutting the door behind him, and crossed to the toilet. Putting down the lid silently, he sat on it as hot, angry tears slipped from his eyes. His hand found his aching cock, and he put the other of the pair over his mouth to stop the moans from echoing dully around the little tiled room as he fisted himself to completion. Unbidden, memories from his last, blissful year at Hogwarts floated to the fore of his mind, and as his seed arced away from him spectacularly, a pair of hauntingly beautiful grey eyes looked up at him as the burning memory of Padfoot sucking his cock for the very first time filled his mind's eye.

He cleaned up hastily, his guilt lingering like a miasma over him, and made sure to flush the evidence of his activities away before creeping out of the bathroom and to the kitchen, to get Michael something to eat.

XXX

"Michael? I think we need to…talk." Remus felt inexplicably nervous. Then again, to his credit, it wasn't every day he confronted his unpredictably violent boyfriend about the unsatisfactory sex they'd just shared before telling him he had to go away for a few days.

"You're right, Remus, we do need to talk." The lycan felt a sliver of hope burgeoning in his heart. Maybe Michael had known all along that he hadn't been satisfied earlier and was going to apologize for it now… "I know this is really last minute, but I actually have to go away tomorrow. There's a convention at work, and the boss asked a bunch of us to go. I'll only be gone two days, three at the most."

Remus couldn't help but feel disappointed again. Despite the fact that there was perfect excuse for his lover not to see him over the full moon, he still felt upset about the sex. It had been nagging him non-stop, all evening, and he had finally screwed up his courage to talk about it. "Oh," he replied slightly blandly. "I see…well, that's fine then. I mean, if you can't avoid it, you can't avoid it…" Michael smiled easily, eyes flicking back to the football game on the telly.

"What did you want to talk about, babe?"

"Well…it's just…you know earlier?" Michael grinned suggestively at his boyfriend and Remus tried to smile back. "Well…er…please don't take this the wrong way, but…"

Michael, who seemed to be taking it the wrong way despite Remus' plea, had a cool look on his face now. "What about it?"

"It's just…well, I didn't…you know…" Remus muttered, unable to meet the other man's eyes. He didn't see the ominous red Michael's face turned or the angry sneer he now wore.

"No I don't fucking know, Remus, so just fucking spit it out already. Didn't you like it or something?"

"It's not that! I did, really, I mean…you were just…it was very quick, and-and…and well, I didn't get to…finish." He whispered the last word, glancing up through his fringe to see a red-faced Michael glaring at him.

His lover opened his mouth to speak, but seemed unable to, as he simply shut it again after making feeble attempts at speech. "So you're saying," he finally managed to spit out in a voice of forced calm that Remus found more frightening than outright yelling, "that I wasn't good enough for you?"

"No!" squeaked Remus, shrinking back into the couch and hating himself for it.

"So then you're saying whenever we fuck it should just be about you and what you want, then?" Michael bellowed, leaping to his feet and towering over Remus.

"No," Remus whispered, wishing fervently that he hadn't said anything as he looked down at his hands.

"Then what the fuck are you trying to say, Remus!?" Michael demanded mercilessly. "Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you goddamn it!" Remus' gaze snapped up immediately and the look of savage, freezing fury that he loathed so much was, once again, dominating his boyfriend's handsome features.

"I just…" he whispered, but before he could even think to articulate his swirling thoughts, Michael had pulled him bodily off the couch and sent him, with a flick of his wrist, slamming into the wall. All the breath was knocked from his body as he struggled to remain upright and draw a breath that didn't want to come.

"You want to fucking get off, do you?' Michael rasped viciously, breath hot over his neck, and Remus' fear trickled through him. "You want me to make you come?"

"No," Remus managed to whimper, but Michael had either not heard or didn't care. He pulled roughly at Remus' clothes, hands harsh and unloving as they caressed his erogenous zones.

"How's this?" Michael hissed, forcing a hand down his boyfriend's trousers. Remus attempted to push the stifling weight off of himself, but with little success; it was like trying to move a brick wall. "Enjoying yourself now?"

"No, no stop," Remus cried shakily, feeling tears welling behind his eyes. Something stirred within him; it was too close to the full. Remus stopped pushing Michael away; it was taking all of his strength of will not to growl and attack the man who claimed to love him and try fruitlessly to push the wolf down deeper, where it belonged.

Michael had now shoved his pants down his thin hips, mouth hot and unforgiving over his neck as he raked it brutally with his teeth, and Remus tried verbally to make him stop again. "Stop, Michael…ow, stop, you're hurting me!" But Michael ignored his pleas, pulling hard and rough at a nipple under Remus' shirt. "Stop it…please, Michael," he called out, tears now flowing freely down his cheeks as he fought to master himself and throw Michael off of him simultaneously. "Stop! _Stop it_! Get away…no, please…_no_, NO!"

"Shut up!" Michael shouted, his angry red face mere inches from Remus' own, so close that the lycan could feel flecks of spit hit him. "Shut the fuck up! You wanted some fucking action, well now you've got it! _I told you to shut up_!" he screamed as Remus cried out louder, still trying to control the wolf and now hitting any available inch of Michael he could.

The blond grabbed Remus hard by the shoulders and slammed him again into the wall so that Remus saw stars erupt in his field of vision as his head smacked sharply into the drywall. The little control he'd been keeping Mooney in check with dissolved as he struggled to regain himself from the blow to his head, and before he fully registered what he was doing, his hands had found Michael's throat and he was shoving and squeezing and pushing, clawing at the other man, wanting nothing but to get away.

"Get away from me!" Remus shouted, panting hard as though he'd run a mile, but even with the rage of the wolf on his side Michael was much bigger and decidedly stronger than him. He pried Remus' fingers off of his throat, twisting the arm they were attached to hard to the right and almost instantly, Remus was on his knees, salty tears leaking from his eyes at the pain that shot up his arm.

"You little fucking shit," Michael gasped, rubbing his abused throat, as he continued to hold Remus at his mercy.

"Please," Remus begged, his voice thick with pain and emotion and fading rage. "Please…please, my arm, you're hurting me…"

"I should break the goddamn thing right off," Michael spat, letting Remus go and watching unaffected as he cradled the limb to his chest. "And I swear to fucking god, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll put you _through_ the goddamn wall next time, do you understand me?"

Remus nodded silently, feeling smaller than he ever had in his entire life. He wanted nothing more than to sink into the carpet right then and die. He stood shakily and walked to the fireplace.

"Where're you going?' Michael snapped, as he cracked open a beer and sat back down, still huffing angrily, in front of the television, watching as the emerald flames from the Floo powder reared dazzlingly.

"Lily and James's," Remus muttered softly, still holding his arm.

Michael snorted. "No you aren't. Get in the fucking bedroom and stay there." Remus watched the magical fire flicker and die slowly, and turned toward his bedroom. Hopefully Michael would drink enough to pass out on the couch that night.

XXX


	3. Chapter 3

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **Again, I'm shocked at the responses to this! I thought for sure there would be a huge pile of angry, rage-filled reviews in my inbox!! It's nice to see that you're all willing to endure and carry on through this for the end (which is coming!). Erm…this is probably the worst of all the chapters yet, but it gets better from here on in. And there's even some more smut! I'm an authoress of many talents XD 'Come what may…' Cheers!

XXX

"You know there's nothing any of us can do about it, even if what you're saying has merit, Sirius," said Lily briskly, getting up from her seat and clearing away the last of the dessert plates. "So the only thing we can do is be there for him if he needs us."

Sirius frowned and turned to his best friend, in whose sitting room he was seated with a generous measure of Firewhiskey in the cup in his left hand. Lily and James had, as they so often did, invited him round for dinner and a drink, and Sirius had capitalized on the visit to expound his theory about their lycanthropic friend. He turned to James. "You believe me, don't you?"

James made a face as he poured himself another inch of whiskey while Lily's back was turned. "I dunno mate…it sounds like from what you've told us that you might be right, but I agree with Lily. There's not much we can do if he doesn't admit it to us."

Sirius cast his best friend a resentful look, sure that if their positions were reversed, James would have gone in hexing and asked questions later. Then again, as he hadn't told anyone he was in love with Remus, it wasn't as though James would be able to think that way. "I hate this!" Sirius growled, feeling surly.

"I know, mate, I feel the same, but it's like Lily said…"

A sudden thought hit Sirius. "What if he's bullied Mooney into not telling anyone though! Who knows _what_ that bastard's done to him…"

Lily, who had reappeared, sighed as she resumed her seat, absently rubbing her stomach. "You're right, Sirius, but Remus can look after himself. I mean he's a wizard after all… But look, if it makes you feel better, I'll talk to him when he comes by tomorrow, alright?"

Sirius recognized that neither James nor Lily wanted to discuss the matter any more, and nodded gratefully, hoping Lily would be able to talk his friend round. "Thanks." He tossed back the rest of his drink and stood up. "I'm going to head out. Thanks again for everything."

James patted him on the shoulder and Lily hugged him before he Disapparated with a resounding CRACK. "I'm worried about him," James said as soon as the room was Sirius-free. "There's something he's not telling me but I can't think what. And he's really stressed about Mooney, more than he'd normally be… Or d'you think I'm just reading too much into this?"

Lily sighed heavily, her hand running again, apparently unconsciously, over her stomach. "I don't know James, but I'm worried too. About Sirius _and_ Remus…what if Sirius is right about him?"

James didn't reply; he too was worried about the werewolf.

XXX

The sun was too jubilant in the sky the next morning as it filtered through the drapes over the bedroom window and jabbed at Remus' retinas. He froze, listening hard, but there was no telltale breathing from beside him, and no sound besides the ticking of the bedside clock in the apartment. Remus let go of his breath; Michael must have gone to work already.

Wincing slightly as he pushed himself up with his bad arm, Remus crawled out of bed and crept silently to the door, just to make sure. The relief he felt when he saw the empty couch was tangible, and it was with a much lighter heart than he'd woken to that the lycanthrope padded out to the kitchen.

There was still anger at what his lover had done (and tried to do) to him last night, oh yes, but it was marred with fear and disgust. He hated that his boyfriend had taken things the wrong way, blown them completely out of proportion, and then tried to make it Remus' fault; was disgusted that the man who told him on a regular basis he loved him had attempted to force himself on him. But he was also scared, because even with the wolf on his side, Michael had overpowered him like nothing. And who was to say it wouldn't happen again, only that time without the perks of the full moon to fall back on?

Sighing, Remus tried to push these thoughts away. He was sure his lover would come home and apologize to him, and things would be just fine, like they always were afterward. So what if Michael had a temper? It was Remus' own fault for bringing the issue up anyway, and his fault that he hadn't made himself clear in the first place. Everyone got angry, he reasoned as he poured himself some cereal, and everyone fought. True, it had gotten a little out of hand, but there was no lasting harm done, so he should just forgive and forget.

He was padding out to the living room to catch some telly, when the front doorbell went off; setting his food on the counter, he went to answer it. "Hello?" he asked as a strange man with blunt features stood on the other side of the door.

"Remus Lupin?"

"Yes."

"I've got a delivery for you. Sign here." The man (clearly a Muggle) passed over a clipboard, and Remus jotted his signature before handing it back. The man then passed him a large bouquet of white and yellow roses, interspersed with baby's breath and greenery, before turning and heading back down the hallway.

Remus shut the door as a smile lit up his face, as he removed the card on the little plastic holder from the center of the luscious blooms. It was clear, as soon as he saw the handwriting, who they were from, and he grinned even wider.

_Remus, I'm so sorry for last night. You know I'd never hurt you on purpose. I love you baby, forever. –Michael._

Sighing and still smiling, Remus sniffed at the lovely flowers, feeling a definite upturn in his mood, despite the fact that he still had the full moon tonight. Somehow, that little detail didn't seem very important in the light of getting flowers. Glancing up at the clock mounted to the kitchen wall, Remus hurriedly put the shapely blossoms into a vase of water and picked up his bowl again.

James and Lily were popping by to pick him up soon (as he'd overslept), and bring him back to their cottage for a visit before the full moon rose. He had a little over an hour left to him to eat, tidy the house a bit, shower and dress, so with a last look at the roses and a final smile, he turned and headed into the living room, deciding to watch television while he ate and before he threw in some laundry.

Remus had just finished packing a small bag for his stay at the Potter's when the doorbell chimed again, and Remus opened it on his friends' smiling faces. "How are you Remus?" Lily asked as she enveloped him in the cursory hug. The lycan didn't like the undertone of unspoken implications he thought he heard in her voice, and smiled brilliantly.

"I'm great!" He gave James a fleeting hug as well before ushering them over the threshold. "Just let me grab my bag and we can go."

James cast Lily half a glance as Remus disappeared into the bedroom, and the redhead sighed as Remus returned, carrying the bag with his good arm. "All set?" James asked, waving his wand easily so that the bag hovered conveniently before them.

Before Remus could respond though, Lily had caught sight of the flowers. "Oh Remus, these are gorgeous!"

"I know," he beamed, joining her at the kitchen table and admiring the blooms with her. "Michael sent them today. He's out of town on business and I guess since I couldn't wake up to him, he thought flowers might be a nice substitute." Lily leaned forward to waft in the heady aroma and sighed.

"_You_ never send me flowers anymore," she teased James, who rolled his eyes. "Ooh a card!" Before Remus could think to stop her, she had plucked the little note from the midst of the roses and was reading it. Slowly, as each word sunk into her mind, she frowned. "What does he mean?" she asked, looking across at her friend. "'I'd never hurt you on purpose.' What happened?"

"Nothing," Remus said smoothly, snatching the card back from her. "We got in an argument is all, it's nothing." His tone was cool, but Lily could sense the pleading note in it and knew the lycan was hiding something.

Lily opened her mouth, intending to say she didn't believe for a second that it was nothing, but James cleared his throat and shook his head almost imperceptibly. "So," he said aloud to break the nasty silence that had sprung up between his fiancée and longtime friend, "shall we head out then?"

"Yes," said Remus, grasping onto the subject like a drowning man to a life ring. "Yes, we should go." They Apparated out and into the Potters' little back garden, and then trooped into the house.

The sun waxed in the afternoon sky, finally sinking, blood red and breathtaking, into the horizon, and Remus knew the time was close. Lily had been exceptionally quiet (for her anyway) all day, and Remus knew that she was still thinking about the flowers and card, but he had more pressing matters on his mind at the moment, and he shoved the thoughts away. She could think whatever she liked, he told himself firmly as he descended the basement stairs with James. It didn't necessarily mean she was right. She didn't understand…he and Michael just had issues to iron out, and it wasn't a big deal. He frowned subconsciously as James clunked back up the cellar steps, leaving him alone in the semi dark, and Remus heard the murmuring of his longtime friend enchanting him in. Lily needed to realize that his life was none of her business, no matter how much she thought otherwise. Things with him and Michael were _fine_. His lover had made a mistake; that was it.

'_Who are you trying to convince?'_ asked a snide voice inside his head, but Remus ignored it, disrobing hastily. The moon would be rising soon and he wanted to prepare himself mentally for his transformation, not argue with himself. He caught one glimpse of clouds scudding over the pearly white globe he loathed so much before he lost himself to the brutal agony of transforming and his mind no longer became his own.

XXX

"How is he?" Sirius asked anxiously as Lily poured him coffee in the sunlight filled kitchen the next morning. There were dark rings under his eyes and he was fidgety from lack of sleep. "Is it bad?"

James sighed and grimaced. "He's been through worse, but…" He shrugged, and though it could have meant anything, Sirius knew his best mate well enough to understand. It had been bad.

The normally bubbly (to the point of annoyance) young man bit his thumbnail anxiously as Lily now served breakfast. "D'you think I should go? He doesn't know I was here last night, and maybe it would be best if-"

"You're staying, Black," said Lily firmly. "I know things with you two have been…rocky, but you're still his friend, and I have a feeling that after last night, he'll need you." James nodded his agreement and a wave of calm fell over Sirius and he began shoveling down eggs.

"Thanks," he muttered, and Lily smiled, but all too soon, the grin had slipped off her face and she bolted upright out of her chair. Both Sirius and James looked round.

"Remus!" the redhead cried in surprise. "What are you doing? Why are you walking around, are you daft? Here, here, come sit…" She waffled about pulling out his chair for him, and forcing him to sit, and piling a huge helping of food onto a plate for him.

"I'm not dying, Lily," said Remus softly with the ghost of a smile. "There's really no need to fuss."

"Hush. I'll fuss over you if I like, you need someone to fuss over you." There was a slightly tense moment, as everyone assembled recognized the unintentional jab at Michael, but Remus disregarded it and sought to gloss over the situation.

"I'm surprised to see you Pads, I thought you were supposed to be tailing your cousin Bellatrix," he said lightly, sipping at his coffee.

Sirius (who had in fact begged and pleaded and bribed Peter to take over this task for him last night so he could be near Remus) smiled. "Managed to pass it off. Peter says he's sorry he couldn't be here by the way."

For what seemed like the first time in forever, Remus laughed, and while his tender ribs ached from it, he couldn't hold his mirth in. Sirius was grinning back at him and even James had begun to chuckle. Lily looked bemusedly from face to face to face and merely shook her head. "You three are mad," she murmured, getting up to start on the dishes.

Remus spent an amicable and relaxing morning with Sirius and James, both of whom went out of their way to make Remus laugh and smile as much as possible, before the lycan insisted that he had trodden upon their hospitality more than long enough, and was going to go home and possibly take a nap.

"I'll come with you," said Sirius. "I have to get back to London anyway, and I want to make sure you get home alright." Remus rolled his eyes at this mother hen behaviour, but didn't comment. Truth be told, he rather enjoyed being coddled. He ignored that same snide voice from the night before that suggested he also would rather not face the empty apartment alone or, even worse, face his boyfriend alone.

They Disapparated after a round of hugs, and rematerialized inside Remus' living room. The lycan breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that no one was yet home. "You look like shit Mooney, no offence. You should go to bed. I'll bring you some tea," said Sirius, and Remus didn't balk as he shuffled into the bedroom, stifling a yawn.

Ten minutes later, he was in his jammies, a large, steaming cup of his favourite tea cradled in his hands, a book lying unopened in his lap, and Sirius was tucking him in securely. "Thanks, Paddy," he murmured, sipping the hot beverage gratefully. It did wonders for his exhausted spirit and body. Sirius sat on the edge of the bed beside him and smiled softly; a less gaudy and less flashy version of his trademark grin, and one that Remus liked much more. "You look shitty too. No offence. Have you slept yet?" Sirius shrugged and looked away, a clear admission of guilt. The lycanthrope sighed, setting his tea on the bedside table. "What have I told you at least four dozen times?" the Animagus merely fiddled with the quilt. "Don't go getting yourself sick staying up with me every month! You shouldn't worry about me, Sirius, I'm fine, I can-"

"But sometimes you're _not_ fine Mooney," Sirius said, looking up. His grey eyes were roiling and dark, like the clouds that blotted out the sun before a deluge, and burned with something indefinable and fierce. "You _weren't_ fine last night, you nearly tore yourself to shreds. Prongs spent a good fifteen minutes down there after you'd turned back, just trying to get you to stop bleeding." Remus sat there, shocked into silence. He had a vague impression that last night had been slightly worse than normal, but he'd never imagined… "Lily told me about the note in your flowers," Sirius muttered, glancing up at his friend from under his lashes now, as though afraid of a tongue-lashing.

Remus' face went stony. "I don't want to talk about it," he said coolly, snatching up his mug and burning the tip of his tongue on the too-hot tea.

"Don't be mad at me Mooney, or at her. We just mean well," said Sirius earnestly, gripping Remus' free hand, which rested atop his thigh on the bedspread. "We only want what's best for you."

"Really?" said Remus with awful sarcasm. "Well then you can butt out, because I know what's best for me, and I have it already."

Sirius looked as though he wanted to protest further, but then a look of bittersweet acceptance came onto his face. "Alright, if you say so. I have to get back and see Peter. Don't be a stranger, Mooney." Sirius squeezed his fingers gently before standing, and then stooped to hug him gently. "And we're always here for you," he added in a whisper against Remus' ear, letting his lips brush over his friend's cheek before pulling away.

Remus nodded and watched his best friend Apparate out with the usual loud CRACK. He felt a surge of guilt for being harsh with Padfoot…he _did_ only mean well after all… But still, it was his, Remus', life, and no one could live it for him.

XXX

"What're you doing in bed?" Remus woke suddenly and sat up too fast, his head throbbing angrily as he felt the giddy dizziness confuse his senses. It was somewhere between late morning and early afternoon if Remus was reading the intensity of the sunlight pouring through the curtains properly. He looked up, seeing Michael silhouetted against the doorway, an overnight bag beside him. Remus pushed away the trickle of fear that was his first reaction and smiled.

"What time is it?" he asked, getting up and putting his arms around his lover.

"Almost two." He had slept the previous afternoon away and all of that morning. "Are you sick, babe? Is that why you're in bed?" He held Remus at arm's length and scrutinized his face. Remus couldn't help but smile.

"I'm fine, just tired I guess. How was your trip?"

"It was really good actually," Michael said, letting Remus slip out of his grasp to move toward the bathroom and following him. He leaned against the doorjamb as Remus began brushing his teeth. "I couldn't stop thinking about you. I missed you."

"I missed you too," Remus lied automatically, bending slightly to spit toothpaste foam in the sink. Michael came up behind him and pressed himself to Remus' backside. The lycan felt bile rise up in his throat and he was suddenly dizzy again as he attempted to master the impulse to throw up. He heaved in breaths as Michael's hands slid up his back, running underneath his t-shirt, trying to focus on brushing his teeth.

"How much did you miss me?" Michael crooned softly. Remus didn't reply on the pretence of scrubbing his teeth. Once he was finished however, there was nothing left to keep him from answering. He stood and turned in Michael's embrace, pressing himself to his boyfriend and trying to repress the shudder he felt building as images of their last meeting assaulted his mind's eye.

Michael dipped his head to kiss him and Remus sighed softly at the warm gentle lips, coaxing his own apart. "Lots," he murmured against his boyfriend's lips. Michael reached around and gripped his arse, rubbing his hard-on insistently against Remus' own half-hard cock.

"That's what I like to hear, baby… Now I think bed is in order, no?" Remus swallowed thickly and mustered his Gryffindor courage.

"Definitely." His boyfriend pulled away and the lycanthrope allowed himself to be pulled gently back toward the bedroom. Michael seemed to know what he needed. He was soft and easy and slow, stealing gentle kisses (eerily familiar for some reason, though Remus couldn't recall from where) and murmuring sweet and erotic sentiments against the shell of his ear.

Soon Remus was sprawled shirtless on the bed, his breathing heavy as Michael ravished his torso with fiery kisses. It was bliss, all heady and intoxicating, and Remus felt closer to Michael than ever he had before. Maybe it was the after effects of the full, but he felt he might even love this man at that moment.

His lover pulled back and frowned confusedly. "Babe, I must be going insane, but is this new?" He was pointing to Remus' stomach and looking up at his boyfriend enquiringly. If he'd had his wand on him, he could've Obliviated him, or Confunded him or something, but as the item was currently still in his overnight bag, tucked away in the back of the closet. He didn't admit the thought consciously, but he would be hell damned if he let Michael find it. Instead he had to cover over things using only his sex clogged brain.

"No, I don't think so. As I recall that's from the accident." He'd simply told his boyfriend that the reason for his scars was that he'd had an accident as a child and Michael had never pressed the issue.

"It looks pink though…like it's new…" He looked somewhat suspiciously at his lover.

Remus forced himself to grin. "Maybe that's because you've got me so hot and bothered."

Michael grinned lasciviously now; the sticky moment was forgotten in light of more pressing wants and needs. "Mmm… I hope you got lots of rest, because I'm going to make love to you all night. God, Remus, you've no idea how much I missed you…"

Their mouths met, hungry and hot and before Michael pulled away and let his fingers slide into Remus' mouth. The lycan suckled them and his lover grunted at the sight.

"Jesus Christ, I'm going to lose it if you keep being so fucking sexy, babe." Remus nipped playfully at the fingers as Michael pulled them away, pressing them hurriedly against his opening.

Remus moaned in pleasure as his boyfriend's fingers rubbed ceaselessly over his prostate. "Ohh fuck, I'm going to lose it if you keep that up…OH-ohh…God…" He squirmed as Michael's tongue teased the weeping head of his cock before his greedy mouth closed over the organ. "Unh…yesss…" he hissed. It was too much, he couldn't hold on anymore.

And then Michael said those four words he needed to hear at that moment. "Come for me, baby." Remus lost himself to the exquisite, burning, all-consuming pleasure his lover wrought upon his body, and he arched impressively as Michael swallowed compulsively.

He loved this man. There was nothing more he could think as he drifted leisurely on the bittersweet clouds of contentment and his boyfriend began kissing his way back up his stomach and chest. He still felt that heady feeling of love or lust or whatever it was, and as Michael's mouth met his, he fervently hoped his boyfriend's promise of making love to him all night would be upheld.

Remus recovered slowly in secret from the worse-than-normal transformation; whenever his boyfriend was at work or in another room, he'd allow himself to rest or wince in discomfiture as his tender bones and joints got back into synch with his human body. When Michael was around, however, he put on a mask of carefree adoration (one that Michael seemed to like) and he hoped that they could turn over a new leaf in their relationship. But Remus' hope was as short lived as the roses that wilted steadily in their vase on the kitchen table, and soon enough, Michael's moods had become blacker and uglier than the twisted, rotting remnants of the blossoms sitting at the bottom of the garbage can.

Remus was standing at the stove, stirring absently at a pot of boiling spaghetti, and he jumped, not having heard Michael come in, as arms slid around him from behind. The blond frowned, looking displeased. "Why d'you always do that whenever I touch you? Flinch like a goddamn woman or something."

"You startled me is all," said Remus equably. "Hungry?"

Michael made a disparaging noise, his frown becoming more pronounced. "Not for that shit. You made pasta four fucking nights in a row, I'm fucking sick of it." This, strictly speaking, wasn't true. Remus had cooked shepherd's pie the night before, pasta salad and sandwiches the night before that, fettuccini in Alfredo sauce topped with strips of grilled chicken the night before that, and roasted ham the night before that. Remus, however, didn't bother trying to correct his lover's assumptions, not wanting a fight or the horrible outcomes they generally created. Not to mention half of the nights that week, Michael had come home and gotten so completely shit-faced it wasn't really much of a surprise that he couldn't recall the menu.

"I'll make you something different if you like," he said in a voice of forced politeness. Michael pulled a beer from the fridge; the first of what would undoubtedly become many over the course of the evening.

"Fucking right you will. I want a steak, nice big fuckin' steak, with chips and gravy."

Remus felt a stab of anxiety. "We…" he murmured weakly as Michael went out into the living room. He faltered and cleared his throat before trying again, louder. "We don't have any steak," he said calmly. "I haven't been to the grocery store."

"Fucking Christ! What the fuck are you doing all day Remus, while I'm working my ass off? Sitting around doing jack shit, most likely." Remus felt as though he'd been stung.

"Maybe if you'd let me use magic, I could Transfigure you a fucking steak," he muttered bitterly, but unfortunately, Michael overheard him. The sound of the glass beer bottle smashing against the hearth was like a gunshot in the tense silence.

Remus jumped, head whipping round so fast he thought he might have gotten whiplash. "What the fuck did you just say to me?" Michael whispered in a deadly voice, his face devoid of emotion, except for his eyes, which glinted maliciously.

"I-I…" Remus was incapable of speech. He was trapped against the counter as Michael stood up, menacingly tall, and moved toward him. Instinct kicked in and Remus glanced around desperately for something, anything he would be able to use as a weapon. There were the twin pots on the stove; one filled almost to the brim with boiling water and cooking spaghetti the other filled with simmering, aromatic sauce. Then there were the lids to the respective pots, and the wooden spoon he'd been using to stir the sauce. Not much, but enough if he needed them.

"You better hope to fucking god you were joking," Michael growled. "Because I told you once and I'll say it again; if you pull any of that hocus pocus shit in _my_ house I will not only snap that fucking stick of yours, but I'll snap your fucking neck too, do you understand me?"

Remus' knuckles were white he was gripping the edge of the counter so hard, pure, unadulterated terror rendering him immobile and mute. Michael was in swinging range now; his lip curled back from his teeth and the lycanthrope caught the blur of movement before the sickening thud of fist colliding with flesh interrupted his unspoken answer.

"_I said do you understand me you son of a bitch_!" Michael screamed, flecks of his beer-flavoured saliva spattering Remus as he used his death grip on the counter top to remain standing. He glared at Michael, tasting blood in his mouth from where his cheek had been nicked by his teeth and the force of the blow. Even if he could have spoken – could've unlocked his jaw enough to speak – he wouldn't have been able to. Michael backhanded him as hard as he could and not even his grip on the counter was enough for Remus to remain upright anymore.

The cheap linoleum came up to meet him and the breath whooshed from his lungs. The blond reached down, taking a fistful of sandy hair in his fist, dragging his lover up before hitting him again, this time in the stomach, and letting him hit the floor again. Remus stopped thinking, stopped reacting. He retracted into himself, knowing that nothing he could say or do would calm Michael down. Not now that he'd gotten into the stride of his anger. There was the deep, bellowing roars of his boyfriend's displeasure, cursing at him, calling him names Remus' brain didn't want to try to decipher, the infernal ticking of the kitchen wall clock, and an odd keening sobbing that he finally realized must have been coming from him. Once he realized this, the sound stopped and only the sound of the clock, ticking out his torture, penetrated his mind.

XXX


	4. Chapter 4

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **So here we are, already at chapter four… Wow. I honestly can't tell you how weird this feels… I never expected this to be as popular as it's become. In fact, I rather thought I would get like maybe three reviewers who were really willing to stick through until the end of this. XD Just goes to show eh? Speaking of which, this should be probably about three or four more chapters long (after this one) then it'll get that happy ending I've been promising everyone. Until then, hold onto your hats, 'cause things are going to start changing fast now! 'I just wanna tell you that I had enough…' Cheers!

PS. – In response to the lovely kayakun, who anonymously reviewed last chapter: yes, you could say I've done research. My father was abusive, so I've witnessed it relatively first-hand, not to mention the aftermath of coping with that, seeing the various stages my mom went through when my parents finally split. I've also asked my mom a lot about her experiences, and all that has gone into this fic (:

XXX

He had been a fool; he knew he had. Bruises and broken promises were all that Remus had left now as he stared at his reflection in his bathroom mirror. He didn't know who he was anymore. He didn't care to either, for that matter. One year, two weeks and six days he had been with Michael. Eleven or so months of fear and terror and self-loathing were behind him and he was smart enough to know that if he kept on as he was, he could look forward to even more. He needed to get out. There was no more time to dance around the ugly thoughts and uncomfortable truths. No more time to pretend he wasn't another fucking statistic. It was do or die.

He turned away from the mirror and looked down at his right arm. The dark bruises that would have matched perfectly to the shape of Michael's fingers were fading slowly, the latest in his collection. It was as though his skin had given up, just as his spirit had, too tired of resisting, of thinking that maybe it would stop. It would never stop. Remus knew that now.

He pulled his shirt off, flinching at the yellowing marks across his torso. He couldn't even remember receiving half of them… It was like he was seeing them through another person's eyes, or as though he were seeing them for the first time. Now that he'd admitted it to himself, the proof that his boyfriend was abusing him scared him. Which was foolish, really; if he was going to fear anything, he should fear the blond-haired man who would be coming home expecting dinner cooked to his specifications on the table and a meek, doting and adoring boyfriend to do with as he saw fit.

But Remus was done. His spirit had been stomped on, his morals bent and twisted into ones he no longer recognized, and he'd lied so often to his friends he wondered if he could even still call them such, but his will was of iron. He couldn't take another second of this life. He would not let his own naïveté and belief that his lover could change sentence him to a drawn out death. Remus was leaving.

He walked purposefully into the bedroom, barely registering the flutter of the curtains in the breeze or the thunder that rumbled across the sky. After a few minutes of searching, he pulled his small overnight bag from the deepest recesses of the closet. He almost smiled as his hand reunited with his wand after months apart – the muscles in his face felt stiff. He hadn't smiled in weeks.

He packed methodically, without thinking. Shirts, pants, shoes, toiletries, filling his tiny overnight bag and then another, larger, duffel bag with everything he owned, and as he packed, a weight he'd never noticed before seemed to lift. It was like the branches of a tree, after the coming of spring, lifting back toward the warm sun after being weighted down almost to the point of breaking by ice and snow from the winter.

Once his packing was finished, Remus pulled a sheet of parchment out of the second kitchen drawer, quickly scrawling a note before folding it and propping it against the vase of dying flowers Michael had given him a week ago after beating him to the point of unconsciousness. He levitated his bags up before catching them, slinging the lighter of the two over his shoulder, casting a last look around the kitchen/living room. So many memories…and even more regrets. Sighing, trying futilely to blink back the tears that sprang to his eyes, the lycan gripped his wand tighter and Disapparated with the sound of a bullet erupting from a gun. And in a sense it had. He was gone, free, and his depart was the death of his life as he'd known it.

XXX

Lily looked confusedly at James and Sirius as the doorbell chimed. It was late evening, closing in on seven o'clock, and the redhead was hard-pressed as to who could possibly be calling on them. Especially when James and Sirius looked blankly back at her, just as nonplussed as she felt. Peter was out on assignment for the Order and anyone else would have owled before dropping by… She rose slowly and then jumped as a fist hammered on the door.

James was on his feet in an instant, wand drawn, fearing the worst. Lily took another step toward the door but Sirius reached out and held her gently back by the arm. The messy-haired man strode quickly to the door and, keeping his wand upright just in case, opened the door an inch. Sirius was right behind him and the other Animagus' presence calmed James immeasurably.

"Where is he?" growled a vaguely familiar voice. James almost dropped his wand in shock.

"Michael?" he asked, opening the door wider as Padfoot growled almost inaudibly behind him.

"Who else would it be?" the blond snarled. "Where is he?"

"Who?"

"He means Remus," Sirius said, now lounging against the doorframe to the sitting room, outwardly relaxed and uncaring, inwardly tensed, ready to spring. Michael nodded once, not looking at Sirius.

"I don't know," replied James, confusion furrowing his brow. "Why?" Michael held out a sheet of parchment to him and James took it, recognizing his longtime friend's writing immediately.

_Michael,_

_No doubt you'll have realized I'm not at home. And I don't ever plan to be there again, either. My key is on top of the mail. You can look for me, but you won't find me. This whole hocus pocus thing will make it impossible if you try._

_You can't get me back, and I don't want you. Find someone else who likes being a human punching bag. _

_I was never yours,_

_Remus_

Sirius, who was reading over James' shoulder, had to bite back a smile. Inside, however, his innards were dancing the conga and he felt light as a feather suddenly.

"Well," said James slowly, and Sirius could tell that he too was trying to contain his pleasure at the letter, "it looks as though he's gone off somewhere. Sorry."

"James what the bloody hell is happening?" Lily asked, her expression half terrified, half exasperated. He passed her the letter and she read speedily. Then she looked up, eyes narrowing dangerously as she glared at Michael. Both of the wizards assembled stepped back, glee lighting their eyes as Lily stepped forward. She was noticeably shorter than Michael but the fury that rolled off of her in black waves was enough to intimidate anyone who knew her; that and the fact her knuckles were white from clutching her wand so hard. Remus' note crumpled before falling to the floor.

"This is going to be hilarious," Sirius murmured from the corner of his mouth to James, who let the corner of his own mouth quirk up.

"So where is he?" Michael demanded, still woefully ignorant of the turn of events. He looked from a smug James to the grinning Sirius and then finally to Lily, who was still glaring daggers at him.

She parried his question with one of her own, speaking through numb lips and gritted teeth. "What's this Remus mentions about 'human punching bags'? Because I really hope, for your sake, it's not referencing what I think it's referencing."

Michael's own gaze narrowed now as he took in Lily and her savage fury. "Where. Is. He?" he said in a deadly soft voice as Lily stepped forward into his personal space. Bigger he may have been, but Lily was armed with righteous anger and a wand to channel her immense magical power; her eyes were fearless and loathing.

"I don't know," the redhead replied just as smoothly, her voice like chilled velvet. "But as long as it's a good long ways away from you, I don't care." Michael's face contorted and his arm twitched as though he would like nothing more to backhand Lily across the little entryway in which they were all crammed.

"Do it," Sirius goaded, still smiling. "I fucking _dare_ you. Hit her, we all know that's how you get your rocks off you sick son of a bitch. Give me an excuse to beat the shit out of you like you deserve."

"Fuck you," Michael snarled. "I want my fucking boyfriend back and I don't care if I have to torture it out of you, I'm going to find him. He's _mine_."

Sirius' smirk widened but his eyes, those dark eyes the exact shade of the clouds blanketing the sky from which thunder rumbled, were flat and emotionless. "Remus was never yours and you can try to torture me all you like. I don't know where he is and neither do James or Lily; and are you really so fucking full of yourself that you think we'd tell you if we did?"

Michael growled and the sound was menacing, but none of the assembled magic folk moved an inch nor betrayed anything but cloying disapproval. Sensing a lost cause, the blond spun on his heel and wrenched the front door (which had fallen shut) open again, stepping onto the front stoop and turning back. "I swear to God, if I find out you knew where he was and didn't tell me…" He let the threat dangle but Sirius just snorted.

"Yeah, yeah, we know. You'll torture us. Or try anyway. Get the fuck out." And with those parting words, he pulled the door from Michael's limp grasp and slammed it in his face.

"You shouldn't have said that stuff to him," James said quietly as they all started breathing again.

"Yes he should," said Lily sternly, shrugging off the hand he'd placed on her shoulder before Sirius could respond. Clearly she was still irritated that Michael had come by and she hadn't gotten the opportunity to vent her rage at him with a few well-aimed hexes.

"I agree, the bastard had it coming," James said equably, pulling Lily closer by the waist. "But what if he _does_ find Remus before we do? I doubt those comments will have helped his temper any."

The fight went out of Lily and she sagged against her fiancé. Wordlessly, three sets of eyes found the note their friend had written where it lay mangled and almost entirely forgotten on the spotless floor. Thunder rumbled directly overhead and lightning flickered from outside as the rain burst in pebble-sized drops from the sky at last.

XXX

The knock was soft, almost drowned out by the tattoo of rain against the roof of the cozy little cottage-house, but almost instantly, James was on his feet and toward the front door. He opened it, fully intending to give Michael a piece of his mind for coming back, but then he registered what he was seeing and his heart leapt into his throat, rendering him speechless.

There, on his front stoop, stood a rain-soaked Remus, looking entirely forlorn, holding a bag in each hand. "Hey Prongs, d'you mind if I crash here for a few days?" It was like deja vu as the memory of a much younger but equally as wet Sirius stood on the front step to his parents' house half a decade before, speaking those exact same words.

"Of course," he managed to say through numb lips, stepping back robotically to let his soaked friend in the door. The bespectacled Animagus had never seen the lycan so completely defeated. There was a shadow of a bruise under one of Remus' eyes and a fresher mark, probably the aftermath of a well-delivered backhanded slap, on the lower corner of his jaw. "Jesus fucking Christ, Remus," he breathed, absently waving his wand so that the shivering werewolf's clothes were warm and toasty.

"Who is it James?" asked Sirius, rounding the corner from the sitting room and coming up short. Remus, who couldn't stand the look of shocked horror on James' face, turned to Sirius, watching a plethora of emotions flickering over those too-handsome features; shock, pain, anger, pity, horror, more pain, finally settling on determination. "He did this to you." It wasn't a question, but Remus felt the need to answer it as though it had been.

"Yes," he whispered, hating the tears that welled up in his eyes.

Sirius saw red. His mind pulsed angrily with his rage, and the brunette was hardly aware of what he was doing as he stepped angrily into his shoes.

"Where're you going?" Remus asked, surprise flitting over his own face.

"I'm going to go and murder that…that…" His anger, pure and carnal and hot in his mouth, rendered him incoherent as he struggled to finish his sentence. James' arms were instantly around Sirius' middle, holding him back from the door as he struggled toward it. "You're my best mate, Prongs, but I swear to fucking Merlin, if you don't let me go, you're going to regret it," he snarled through clenched teeth.

"No!" Remus said, dropping the bags he still held, moving forward to assist James in restraining their friend. Sirius' head snapped back as if the lycanthrope had hit him.

"What?" he growled. "You're going to defend him after what he's fucking _done_ to you? Are you fucking _kidding me_, Remus?"

Remus merely shook his head, placing a hand on Sirius' chest. The touch seemed to act like a sedative; Sirius stopped struggling. "No," he replied quietly. "I'm not defending him. But it's… You mean too much to me Padfoot. I don't want you to get hurt," the Animagus snorted derisively, "or get in trouble for my sake. It's not worth it to me."

Sirius hung his head and James cautiously released him, moving away to stand by Lily, who had appeared at the sound of the commotion. "You're right, Mooney," he whispered through the taste of his black anger. It was still scalding in his mouth, and his brain was still firing on adrenaline, but he managed to reign himself in. Remus was right; however much he wanted to (and he wanted to more than almost anything at the moment), it wouldn't be worth the cost of squashing that piece of shit.

The Animagus took a deep, shuddering breath, and then pulled Remus forward, into his arms. "I never do these things right, I should be the one comforting you," he murmured, and Remus gave the approximation of a half-smile. "Are you okay?" Sirius asked, releasing him and holding him at arms length. Every mark on the already-scarred flesh was another drop of venom into his heart, and every tear that streaked down Remus' cheeks was another death sentence for the blond-haired fucker who'd caused them.

"I've been better," Remus replied. "And worse."

"Come in, come in," Lily said, coming forward and taking one of Remus' cold hands in both of her own. "Have you eaten? We have loads of leftovers, here, sit and I'll knock something up." Lily flicked the kitchen light on and all but forced Remus into a chair as James and Sirius pulled out seats for themselves.

"Really, Lily, you don't have to go to any trouble just for me," Remus said weakly. The redhead rolled her eyes at him to cover the frown of aggravation at the way the lycan had said 'just for me'.

"It's no trouble, honest. Tea?" Remus nodded.

Once the lycan had a plate heaped high with food and a steaming mug of pekoe before him, Lily took up the last seat at the tiny table and three sets of eyes looked at him expectantly. Remus sighed and toyed with his fork. He wasn't really even hungry, but he hadn't wanted to be rude. "So I guess you all know why I'm here," he murmured, unable to meet their eyes.

Sirius reached out and took his hand. "We saw your note, Moonshine." Remus glanced up, confusion thick on his face. "Michael came by earlier, looking for you." The Animagus flinched at the terror that leached away all of his friend's colour.

"He what?" Remus whispered shakily.

"No worries, luv, Lily practically ran him out of here," Sirius replied lightly, trying to change the look of pure fear on Remus' face. The lycan, however, went impossibly paler.

"Don't listen to him," Lily said soothingly. "Nothing happened, everyone is fine." She cast Sirius a reproving glare, which only seemed to bounce off harmlessly. "He won't find you."

Remus didn't know what to say. For once, his vocabulary was woefully too small, his mouth unable to form words, so instead, he picked up his fork and put a mouthful of food into his mouth. It could have been anything; he couldn't taste it. His throat stuck as he swallowed and immediately put another forkful of food into his mouth, chewing mechanically.

Sirius cast James a pleading look and the bespectacled Animagus sighed inaudibly, rose gracefully and murmured into Lily's ear. She followed him out of the room, sending one last anxious glance over her shoulder at Remus before James tugged her out of sight up the stairs.

"Mooney?" Remus put his fork down, and reached for his teacup, his eyes raising, looking startled to find himself alone with the handsome youth. "Remus… I… What happened?"

The lycan's smile was as false as the dusty vase of flowers Sirius kept on his flat's coffee table. "I doubt you want to hear it all, Padfoot," he replied softly.

The Animagus felt his temper flare. Remus was always doing this; pushing him away, not allowing access to his thoughts or feelings, never letting Sirius in when all he wanted was to know him, really and truly. He wanted to know how Remus thought, what made him tick, just as Remus knew him, inside and out, but the lycanthrope was constantly putting up barriers, keeping him out. "You're wrong," she said softly, trying to control the tone of his voice.

Remus leaned back, not bothering with the pretense of eating anymore. "What do you want from me?" he asked moodily. "Do you want to know what it's like to wonder if the next thing you're going to say is going to earn you an insult? Or whether it warrants being punched in the face?"

Sirius felt stung, stunned, stupefied. Because he _did_ know what that felt like… His hand slid from atop Remus' on the table, falling to his thigh and clenching. "I do Mooney, don't you see? I do know what that's like! Feeling like no matter what you do, it's not going to be good enough; no matter how much you try to follow someone's order, they still find fault with you! I've been there, damn it!"

Remus bit his lower lip. He felt selfish, like a spoiled child that had been denied some luxury and who'd just realized there were orphans halfway around the world starving to death. Embarrassment coloured his cheeks and he leaned forward, clasping Sirius' clenched fist. "I'm sorry Sirius," he murmured. "Truly."

The Animagus, who was staring at their joined hands, shook his head. "Don't be sorry Remus…you don't have to be sorry. Just…I want to help you. I want to be here for you, because I know what it's like to feel like no one gives a shit. But _I_ do. I give a shit."

Remus had to smile a little bit at that and Sirius was beyond overjoyed to see it. "I know Pads…and I'm s-"

"No. Don't you dare apologize anymore Mooney. You have nothing to be sorry for…Merlin knows that anyone, including me, would have been just as surly as you…probably even more so." Remus smile widened and it felt funny, once again, to smile.

"Alright then Padfoot. What would you like to know, really?"

Sirius' first unclenched and he weaved his fingers into Remus'. By no means was it the first time they had held hands such, but for some reason Remus felt a blush creeping up his face, making his skin prickle with heat. "Let's sit in the sitting room," Padfoot finally suggested, standing, not bothering to release Remus' hand.

The lycan nodded and followed, trying to shut up the sound of a particularly loud voice in his head; a voice that sounded suspiciously like a former blonde-haired boyfriend.

'_What the hell are you doing? Holding his hand like he's your boyfriend or something… As if. Why would someone like him ever want to be with you? You're old, and ugly, and damaged… We both know it; stop pretending he'll see past all that. Fuck, he probably just wants in your pants anyway.'_ "Remus?" Amber eyes met silver and Remus realized he had sat down next to Sirius on the squashy loveseat that James loved so much he refused to get rid of it (which Lily compensated for by throwing a cover over the harvest gold velour). "You okay?" Remus nodded, half-smiling as Sirius squeezed his hand.

"So," he said, inhaling a long deep breath and letting it out with a whoosh. "What do you want to know?"

Sirius' teeth found his lower lip and he chewed it as he thought. "How long?" he said finally. "How long since…?"

"Since what? Since he decided to vent his rage with a few well-aimed blows, you mean?" Sirius' mouth turned into a thin little line as the white-hot anger licked up his insides again and his head bobbed once in affirmation. Remus looked down, fiddling with a loose thread in the couch throw. "You remember that day in the summer…when you came over and it was really hot?" Another nod. "That…that was the first time."

The Animagus could feel his face whiten, felt every vein and artery slowly leaching colour from his visage. His lips were numb and felt awkward as they tried to form the words. "You…you mean, it was because-"

Remus squeezed his hand, looking almost alarmed. "No, Padfoot, no… You didn't do anything! If it's anyone's fault it's _mine_… Michael thought…thinks, that we…that we are…well sleeping together. Even though I told him we're not."

The lycan stiffened as Sirius drew him into his arms, one tiny part of his brain revolting against the intimate contact, tensed with fear, ready to bolt. "Oh Mooney," Sirius sighed softly against his ear, and Remus tentatively slid his own arms around the very solid, very warm shape of his best friend, forcing himself to relax.

He breathed deep the scent of Padfoot: his expensively mouthwatering cologne, the hint of dog (it really was unavoidable), his shampoo, his soap, and his freshly laundered clothes and emotion welled up inside him. Hot tears spilled from his eyes as his tentative hug turned to a ferocious grip; he was clinging to Sirius as though his life were dependant on it as rage and grief and shame poured liquid from his eyes and soaked Sirius' shirt.

Sirius felt like he was drowning as the sobs wracked Remus' too-thin body, his long-fingered hands clenching fistfuls of shirt. He didn't know how to soothe people – he'd never had to. Always in their relationships, it was Remus soothing him, Remus being the rock that tethered him, and with the reversal of roles came the confusion of what to do, what to say. He blinked back the moisture in his own eyes, lifting a hand to comb uncertainly through Remus' hair. "Shh…" he murmured awkwardly. "It's going to be okay Mooney…everything's going to be fine."

Remus shook his head, burying his face into the crook between Sirius' neck and shoulder. Gasping for breath as tears scalded down his cheeks from his scratchy eyes, he held tighter, needing to feel something real, something solid and _real_, in his life. "I can't do it anymore," he choked out. "I can't, I can't…"

"Shh," Sirius repeated, pressing Remus closer to his body, running his fingers through prematurely graying, sandy hair. "It's okay Remus…I promise, everything's okay."

"I don't know how to live without him," Remus whispered, the pain in his heart manifesting itself as a physical ache. "I can't do it Padfoot… I want…I just want… I just wish I were dead."

The words were like a knife through Sirius' heart, twisting painfully and he crushed the other young man to him now, angry and defiant. "Don't say that," he hissed. "Don't you dare say that, you hear me? You can do this Remus; you can get through this…I know you can. You're strong and beautiful and smart and…and goddamn it, I love you."

To Sirius' horror, Remus began sobbing even harder. "Oh fuck, I'm sorry Remus, I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out… You know me; I don't think things through before I say them and then I make myself look like an arse… Oh Mooney, look, don't cry, just – just pretend I never said that, okay? It was stupid and irrational and now I've put my foot in my fucking mouth again and I didn't mean to upset you, you know that, I-"

He broke off as Remus' mouth found his, wet eyelashes caressing the tops of his aristocratic cheekbones. It was a chaste kiss, merely a pressing of one soft, dry pair of lips to another, but it still knocked the breath from the Animagus' lungs and make his head spin with a giddy sense of euphoria. "Sirius," Remus whispered, still sniffling slightly. "You're rambling."

"Sorry," Padfoot breathed. Like a light bursting into action in a dark room, they simultaneously realized they were sitting practically on top of one another and that they still held the other and pulled back in the next heartbeat.

A tense silence that was rife with unasked questions hung between them as Remus dried his eyes on the hem of his cardigan and Sirius, flushed a handsome shade of pink, studied his hands. "Did…" Remus said, his voice sounding loud in the silence. "Did," he repeated at a whisper, "did you mean it?"

Sirius looked up, his grey eyes shining and gorgeously heart-stopping as always. "Of course I did."

Remus blushed himself, but soldiered on. He had to know… "I mean…did you mean it like…?" Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but when no sound came out, simply nodded.

"Yeah…"

Inexplicably, tears welled again in the lycanthrope's eyes, even as that snide, condescending voice in his head whispered, '_He lied to you before, what makes you think he's not lying now? Who the hell could love you? You're ugly, and scarred…broken… You aren't worthy of love.'_ "I…"

Sirius shook his head, taking Remus' hand in his again. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to…" The desperate plea in the darker haired young man's voice hardened Remus' heart slightly as the little voice in his head gloated.

The Animagus felt like a fool. Remus wasn't ready for this kind of thing…who the hell would be with an ex like Michael? Stupid, stupid, stupid… He cursed himself for not just keeping his mouth shut. Remus needed him as a friend, and nothing more right now, what the hell was he doing telling him he loved him like some bloody woman? Good Godric…he just didn't know when to keep his big fat mouth _shut_.

"Alright," said Remus at last, and softened slightly as Sirius gave a tentative smile. "Do…do you still want to hear everything?"

Padfoot nodded and made a show of getting comfortable. "Yes. I want to know everything, Mooney."

XXX


	5. Chapter 5

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **(Note: I am slightly addicted to the music of Moulin Rouge lately. '_El Tango De Roxanne_', '_Your Song_', and '_Elephant Love Medley_' are particular faves!) Anyhoozer, this is already written before the third one was posted and it's going to feature a little righteous payback for everyone's _favourite_ character… XD 'You don't have to sell your body to the night…' Cheers!

PS. – Pop-Tarts for Decimare, who helped with some torturous payback…she's not only talented at thinking up pervy things for me to write folks!! Oh, muchos gracias to my sister too for some torture ideas, and cookies to whoever knows where the Popsicle bit comes from ;)

XXX

Lily crept slowly down the stairs, knowing that if she wanted a few hours of quiet solitude with her book, it would be best to leave her fiancé sleeping. She just needed some coffee to perk her up, and then she'd slide back into bed before James noticed and spend some quality time with Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy before she got round to making breakfast.

She was just coming back out of the kitchen and heading toward the stairs, the aroma of her java stirred wakefulness into her veins, when she happened to glance down the slight hallway to the sitting room. A smile tugged the redhead's lips upward on one side and Lily shook her head at the spectacle before heading slowly back up the stairs.

"I wondered where you'd gotten to," James murmured, looking up at her and smirking as she jumped and whirled to face him.

"Did I wake you?" she asked, setting her mug on the nightstand before burrowing back under the thick comforter. James pulled her closer.

"No, not really," he murmured, snuggling into her, laying his head upon her breast, frowning and tugging her robe open. Lily smiled and giggled, reaching for her coffee. "Sirius stayed over," she murmured against the rim of her cup, trying not to smile at the memory of the dark-haired youth sprawled unceremoniously all over their couch downstairs.

"Mmm, really?" James muttered, tracing lazy patterns over her skin.

"Yes…he's downstairs. With Remus." James' hand paused and he opened his eyes again.

"What?"

Lily couldn't help but smile again as she set her coffee back down and picked up the battered, well-worn copy of _Pride & Prejudice_ from the nightstand. "Sirius and Remus are downstairs, sleeping on the sofa. They look adorable too…"

James scowled and sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "That sodding bastard," he muttered, throwing a leg over the side of the bed.

"James! What the hell are you on about? And where are you going? James?"

Lily watched as he merely shook his head, throwing on his robe and opening the bedroom door. Lily bit her lip, debating for a second, before sighing, tossing her book aside and following after her fiancé.

"James, what are you doing?" she hissed as she practically ran after him, colliding with him as he stopped in the doorway to the sitting room suddenly. "What is _wrong_ with you?" she whispered angrily so that the sleeping men wouldn't wake, righting herself before gluteus maximus met wood floor.

"Were they like that when you saw them?" James whispered fiercely, pointing an accusatory finger in his friends' direction. The pair merely slept on, oblivious.

"If I tell you will you stop acting so infuriating?" James merely glared and Lily glared right back. "Fine," she finally snapped. "Yes, they were, though I don't see why it even mat- James! For Merlin's sake-!"

But the messy-haired Animagus ignored her, reaching down and smacking his best mate (none too lightly) on the arm. "Sirius, get up _now_."

Black opened his eyes slowly, yawning hugely and peering up at James, his grey gaze bleary from sleep and confusion. "Ow…why'd you hafta hit me?"

"I said, get _up_," James fairly barked. Remus lifted his head from Sirius' rather comfortable and _very_ naked chest.

"Prongs, what-?" he began, but James forestalled him with a hand.

"Kitchen, Padfoot, now."

Sirius managed to extricate his aching body (it was murder to sleep on a too-short sofa, this was for certain) from underneath Remus' with little difficulty and stretched as he stood, now glancing over to Lily. "What's gotten his knickers in a twist?"

James growled and shoved the other black-haired man toward the hallway and kitchen. "You two stay here."

"What the bloody hell Prongs?" Sirius burst out once they were alone in the kitchen. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?"

"Tell me you didn't do what I think you did Sirius, please, tell me you didn't," James sighed, running a hand through his messier-than-normal bed head.

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Enlighten me James, what the bloody buggering fuck you're on about. Because if you're implying what I think you're implying…"

"You know exactly what I'm implying!" James snarled. "It wouldn't be the first time you've used a situation to your advantage that way!"

His mouth hardening into a thin, angry line, Sirius glared at his best friend. "So that's what you automatically assumed? That after all the shit Remus has been through, which, might I hasten to add, you aren't even halfway _aware_ of, I was just going to fuck him? That I wouldn't give two flying fucks, so long as I got a good lay out of it?"

"It's not like that!" James retorted. "Stop twisting this! I've seen you do it a hundred times before, Sirius. You're all charm and comfort to some bird whose just broken up with her boyfriend or some such toss, and two seconds later, she's on her back on top of the Astronomy Tower!"

"That was when I was seventeen!" Sirius shouted. "And before I was ever involved with Remus! It's never been like that with him, James, and I thought you of all fucking people would know that without me having to tell you!"

A heavy silence fell. "So, did you or not?" James finally asked.

Sirius gaped at him for half a second. "Fuck you, Potter, it's none of your motherfucking business!"

"It is my business, Black! He's one of my best friends and-"

"So I am I!!" The tendons on Sirius' neck stood out with the force of his yell, abruptly halting whatever James had been about to say. "At least I thought I was! Fuck, the way you're treating me I might as well be guilty of killing him!"

"You almost did once," James tossed back. Sirius reeled as though he'd been hit and his brain shut down as adrenaline-laced rage flooded him.

"You fucking bastard," he whispered, reaching for his wand only to realize it was still in the sitting room. He glared with pure loathing at the other Animagus, mouth twisted into an angry sneer any one of his ancestors would have been proud of, and debated whether it would be worth it to beat his best mate into a bloody pulp in his own kitchen.

"Sirius," said a soft voice from behind him, and he jumped as a gentle hand eased the harsh tension in his shoulders. It wasn't until he realized he'd been hunching the muscles that he noticed it was incredibly like a dog's hackles raising, and he felt an insane urge to laugh. "Stop, please."

Sirius inhaled sharply through his nose and nodded curtly, not trusting himself to speak or do more but look at the floor.

The lycan surveyed James, frowning slightly. "That wasn't really very nice to bring that up Prongs," he murmured. "I forgave him, you forgave him, and it was unfair to bring it into your little tiff just now." James hung his head.

"Sorry Padfoot," he muttered. Sirius merely snorted, still pissed.

"Don't be an ass, Sirius," Remus chided, still speaking softly as though this were a friendly dispute about whether or not the Chudley Cannons would end up bottom of the league this year.

"Me? _Me_ be an ass? Did you _hear_ what he was asking me Remus? What he was implying about me?" Sirius snarled stepping forward, instantly regretting it when the werewolf flinched backward. "Sorry Mooney, I'm sorry, that was stupid."

"It's fine," Remus said, brushing the comment aside. "Really. And yes, I heard him. I think the whole of England probably heard you two shouting." Silence reined again, thick and heavy and tense, both of the darker haired young men waiting for Remus' response. "I can assure you James," Remus said at last, speaking slowly as though he were choosing his words very carefully, "that nothing happened that you should concern yourself with. Sirius was a perfect gentleman, in fact."

Sirius smiled triumphantly (and a little smugly) at his best mate. James still had that mulish look on his face however. "So how did you two end up half-naked, lying all over one another then?"

"For the record," Remus replied, smiling slightly, "Sirius is the only half-naked one here. And we were talking last night, and I guess time just got away from us."

"He fell asleep on me James," said Sirius scathingly. "And I wasn't about to just toss him off so I could go home. Besides, I was fucking knackered myself, so I figured I'd just get comfortable and bunker down."

"And you were shirtless, why?"

The longhaired Animagus laughed now. "You lived with him for seven years did you not Potter? Mooney drools when he sleeps and I didn't want my shirt to have saliva stains." Remus ducked his head to hide the blush of pleasure that Sirius hadn't minded a sleepy werewolf slobbering all over him. Michael had told him on more than one occasion that his unconscious habit of drooling excessively was weird, and disgusting…just like he was… The corners of his mouth turned down. He _was_ a freak, just like his boy- …_ex_-boyfriend had always told him.

James had the dignity to look sheepish now that the sticky little situation had been explained sufficiently. "Oh…" said James, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Er…I see. Look, Sirius, mate, I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said those things, and I shouldn't have assumed that you would take advantage like that… Friends?" He stuck out his hand, but Sirius was looking at Remus with an oddly intense, pensive expression. "Pads?"

"Remus," Sirius said slowly, sidling closer and lifting the corner of Remus' mouth with one finger. "What's up? You have that look."

The lycanthrope made an attempt to smile, but even James could see that it was forced. "Nothing's up, I'm fine. Really. I was just thinking that if not for me you two would have murdered one another by now most likely." It was almost frightening to Remus how easily the lie came out, and with sheet dint of will, he managed to relax himself despite Sirius' continued closeness and the suspicious looks his friends were giving him.

He smiled again, and it looked real enough, so Sirius dropped it. He didn't see the hollowness in his friend's eyes, or feel the lycan's aura shift as he turned and smirked at James and threw himself bodily all over the other Animagus, clearly past the little disagreement. Remus smiled outwardly, but inside it felt as though he were peering through a grimy, dirty window at the easy way his friends interacted. Would he ever be like that again? Could he ever have Sirius drape his delectably fit body all over him without feeling nausea rise up in his throat instinctively? Or had Michael stripped him of even that one joy forever…

XXX

The night was velvety and black, just the way the cloaked man preferred it. A softly murmured Charm and the streetlight sputtered and died, layering shadows thick on the cloyingly hot pavement like meat piled between slices of rye on a deli sandwich.

His purpose was simple. Find the man and punish him. Oh, and punished he would be… Teeth glinted in the semi-light from another streetlamp as a smile twisted upon the cloaked man's lips. Revenge really was sweet.

He didn't bother to look both ways as he crossed the darkened, empty street; so intense was his focus on that single ray of light emanating from the third floor apartment window. His fingers were sure and confident as they gripped his wand and the bitterness filled his heart. He strove to regain his composure as rage threatened to send him into a blackout of hexes and screamed curses. He wanted to remember this moment. Wanted to store it away in the back of his mind for later reference, to be able to savour the delicate web of emotions that flowed through him like his magical prowess at will.

He didn't bother with the clunking elevator that was almost permanently stuck at the top floor, didn't need to consult the floor plan behind scratched plastic. A simple tap of his wand gained him entrance to the stairwell and his smile only grew with each step, his heart thudding audibly in anticipation of this moment.

So long had he wanted this. So long had he craved the opportunity to pay back the man who'd tried to destroy what he held most dear to him. And now that it was here, he relished it like a connoisseur over a glass of perfectly aged wine. The delicate bouquet of his anger in the back of his mouth, the soft sounds of his unhurried breathing as he climbed the stairs, the mad thrumming of his heart as he exited to the third floor corridor.

The carpet, despite being tacky and dusty and at least ten years old, served its purpose, muffling his footsteps as he made his way ever closer to the last door on the left. The chink of golden light spilling from under the tiny crack in the door shone on his well-polished Italian dragon scale shoes. At last, at last!

He drew his wand almost sensually down the crack between the door and its frame, listening to the telltale soft click of the lock sliding free. His hand didn't shake as he turned the knob and stepped swiftly into the apartment, glancing hurriedly over his shoulder to ensure he hadn't been spotted.

Pots and dishes were stacked, unwashed, in the sink in the brief snatch of vision he had as he passed the kitchen; empty bottles lined the coffee table in the living room, eerily reflecting a distorted version of himself back. The bedroom door was almost closed and he edged it open slowly, his heart beating frantically in his chest now. It was tempting, now that he had come so close, to come barreling through, but he wanted to see the surprise flicker across the bastard's face. Wanted to watch it change to horror as he copied every one of the bruises he'd seen and imagined onto the blond's body. Patience…patience. It really was a virtue to the cloaked man.

He stood at the foot of the bed, watching as the sonofabitch slept fitfully. Oh, if only he knew what were coming to him, he wouldn't be asleep at all… Another smile, cold, calculating and cruel, twisted the handsome features of the man's face into a mask that oozed terror.

Suddenly, the blond man sat up, his eyes hazy from one too many drinks, but recognition clear in them. "Black!"

Sirius smiled. "Michael," he replied, smile morphing into a sneer. "I would say it's nice to see you, or that you look well, but it would be ever so rude to lie to you."

"What the fuck are you doing-?" Michael snarled, throwing the blankets away from his nude body. Sirius' mouth turned down.

"I fear I may vomit," he said coolly, inwardly gleeful as Michael's face went from angry red to enraged magenta.

Michael managed to get to his feet, swaying alarmingly in the process, and Sirius' grip on the magical piece of wood in his right hand tightened. "I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing Black, but-"

Sirius' eyes narrowed and he casually lifted his wand as if to inspect it for flaws. "You know, it's a funny thing, magic… It can be used in such a way that even a wizard can't claim bodily harm from it." His eyes were shining as he pointed the stick at Michael. "Fascinating, isn't it?"

Michael couldn't tear his gaze away from the smooth-polished length of Sirius' wand, unconsciously backing up a step. "You…you can't-"

"Shut up," Sirius growled. His wand slashed through the air and a surge of bittersweet satisfaction ripped through him as Michael flinched. Another smile curved his aristocratic lips as the velvety length of black material floated down onto his upturned palm. "Turn around," he crooned, twirling a finger. Michael's fists clenched.

"Fuck you."

One eyebrow cocked mockingly. "I know you probably want to, but it's not going to happen. Now…" he aimed his wand at the flaccid length of the other man's cock, smirking as Michael covered his bits instinctively. "Turn around."

Michael turned, his knuckles white from holding fists so tight. "I swear to fucking god, Black, I'm going to hunt you down like an animal and kill you. I will rip you limb from fucking limb, and not even Remus will be able to save you."

The strip of cloth was suddenly tight around Michael's neck, choking the tall blond and his hands scrabbled futilely at his throat. "IF you ever, _ever_, say his fucking name again, then I'll be the one with blood on my hands, do you understand me?" Sirius hissed against Michael's ear. The blond choked and sputtered and the Animagus merely twisted the fabric, ensuring Michael got the message before he released him. "Now, stop distracting me." His elegant fingers smoothed out the strip of cloth and bound it snugly around Michael's eyes.

"You're fucking sick," Michael rasped as Sirius shoved him bodily toward the bed, barely containing his laughter as Michael stumbled and fell onto the mattress.

"Maybe," he replied lightly, "But I'm not the psycho who gets off beating the shit out of people."

"Then why are you here?" the other man snarled, submitting when the point of a wand pressed brutally between his shoulder blades.

Sirius couldn't control the giggle this time as he leaned down to murmur in the blond's ear. "To give you exactly what you've got coming you piece of shit."

"I'll kill you, I'll snap your fucking neck, I swear to fucking-"

"Yes, yes," said the Animagus in a bored voice, pulling the stick of gum from inside his pants pocket and looking coolly clinical as he Transfigured it into a violently pink Popsicle. He tasted it, smiling. Mmm…cherry, his favourite. "Now you just lie there and try not to make a peep. I have something special in mind for you…"

"What are you doing?" Michael demanded, unable to keep the shiver of fear from his voice. "_What are you doing_?"

"This, my illustrious arch nemesis, is what I like to call _delicious_ torture. In my hand I hold something so incredibly hot, that to you, it will feel cold. It will melt your skin if I so much as brush it across you." Sirius climbed onto the mattress, his wand still pointed painfully into Michael's back. "It will tear the flesh from your bones and it will be _agony_."

"You won't do it," Michael whimpered, eliciting a smile from Sirius again. The lingering sweetness of the Popsicle was nothing compared to the sweet tang of revenge. "You won't, you won't…"

"Won't I?" Sirius purred, licking the drips from his Popsicle. "I rather think I will… Tell me, how many times did you watch Remus bleed and not do anything about it? How many times did you," Sirius dragged his wand painfully down Michael's spine, delighting in the grunt of pain that wafted up as a bright red stripe erupted in his wand's wake, "leave a mark upon his skin? How many Michael?"

"Don't," Michael pleaded, almost sobbing now. "I…I never…never meant to… I never meant to! _I never meant to_!"

"Such lies," the Animagus hissed, pressing the Popsicle against Michael's back, nearly laughing at the terrified screams of pain. Bright pink, cherry-flavoured juice pooled in the dip between the man's shoulder blades as tears streamed hot and bitter from his eyes.

Michael's hands were clenched on the headboard, unable to move due to the wand stabbing into his kidney, unable to breath as his mind reeled from the pain. "Stop, stop you bastard stop," he wailed and Sirius' mouth turned down in disgust.

"You're pathetic," he growled. "You never deserved someone like Remus…_never_. _Say it_! Say you never deserved someone as good as him you sick son of a bitch!"

"I never deserved him! I never deserved him, please…please, stop!"

"How many times did Remus beg you to stop?" Sirius whispered, wand almost breaking the skin as he jammed it harder against Michael's flesh. "And would you ever stop?"

"No," Michael whispered. "Please…please… God I can feel it, I can feel the blood…"

"That's right, you never stopped," Sirius purred. "And you know what that means…"

"No! _NO, no, no_!! _Please…PLEASE_!"

Sirius stabbed the Popsicle into Michael's back; dragging it ruthlessly down his spine, slashing it back and forth across him, pink juice splattering artfully across the sheets as his hoarse screams echoed dully around the room.

A funny smell wafted up and Sirius frowned at the damp spot spreading across the mattress. The blond had wet himself. He got up from the bed, licking a stray drop of Popsicle juice from his hand and tossed the mostly melted, sticky mess onto the mattress beside Michael's prone body.

"If I ever, and I mean _ever_, see your face again, I won't be nearly so kind," he replied. One well-aimed punch landed on Michael's kidneys, forcing him to double up in pain, rolling in his own urine as sobs wracked his body. Another blow to the head, and darkness swept over the blond's field of vision as unconsciousness swelled up around him.

Sirius smiled as he closed the apartment door softly behind himself. Maybe he would get a Popsicle on the way back to James and Lily's… He smiled wider as he let himself out of the apartment building, pulling his cloak tighter around himself. Yes, he would have that Popsicle, and maybe even bring Remus one. Chocolate…he knew Remus would enjoy it. As for him…well he'd always loved cherry.

XXX

Remus smiled softly as Sirius crept into the guest bedroom in James and Lily's snug little cottage in Godric's Hollow closing the book on his finger. "Where've you been?" he asked, tucking his legs up under himself as Sirius sat on the end of the bed.

"Just had some…business to take care of," the Animagus replied. Remus' brows contracted and he opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius diverted him by pulling a small, white-paper-packaged something from behind his back. "I brought you a present."

Remus smiled and Sirius felt his heart lift; it was the first genuine smile he'd seen Remus smile in what felt like forever. It was like the sun bursting dazzlingly from behind a cloud after a rainstorm, sparkling on the puddles and warming the earth. Sirius couldn't help but smile back. "What is it?" Remus asked, reaching for it. "And why is it…cold?"

Sirius' grin turned lopsided. "Open it and find out, silly." Remus smiled again and hastily tore the packaging away, chuckling softly as the chocolate Popsicle almost fell out onto the bedspread.

"Thanks…you didn't have to y'know," he murmured, glancing up at Sirius through his lashes as he put the Popsicle into his mouth. He sighed at the rich, delicate lace of flavours as the treat melted on his tongue.

"Au contraire Moonshine, I think I did. You deserve a present every now and then." Sirius leaned over on one arm, watching as Remus slowly devoured the treat, his pink tongue looking far too fetching catching the wayward chocolaty drips. The brunette had to shake himself mentally. He wasn't supposed to be thinking like that… Merlin, but the boy was just oblivious to the torture he was wreaking on Sirius' libido…

And, as a result of said raging libido, Sirius couldn't stop himself, when Remus was finished, from reaching out and swiping a rebellious smudge of chocolate from the corner of the lycan's mouth, licking his own finger clean. "You missed a spot," he supplied helpfully.

Remus shivered, suddenly _very_ aware that Sirius was close, emitting an inviting warmth and aura of casual intimacy. He had always been like that, but for some reason, at that moment, Remus was hyper-aware of it. He imagined what Sirius' lips would look like wrapped around his own fingers and his cock twitched traitorously. He cleared his throat and looked down at the comforter, pulling at a loose thread.

Sirius frowned and tilted Remus' chin back up with the slightly saliva-slicked finger. "Don't do that Remus."

"Do what?" Remus asked, whispering for some reason. Sirius shifted closer before he could stop himself.

"Look down all the time. I want to see your eyes. They're too…" He blushed inexplicably.

"Too what?" Remus murmured, gaze shifting from Sirius' own bright gaze to his mouth. Unbidden, images of Sirius looking up at him through a tangle of black hair, his lips around the smooth length of the lycan's phallus, sucking, tasting, licking assaulted Remus and he had to close his eyes as he drew a shuddering breath.

Sirius had been about to say 'too beautiful to hide', but feared what his friend's reaction might be. For some unknown reason, his hand lingered on Remus' chin and he dropped it, sorely tempted to smooth it down the lycanthrope's front, across his too-prominent collarbones, dipping into his shirt… "They're too beautiful to hide," he whispered back, hand dropping into his lap.

Remus' eyes snapped open, his body tingling from the sexual tension lingering in the air. "Sirius," the lycan breathed.

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me."

XXX

**Author's Note: **(dodges sporks) SORRY!! I know I'm evil… Review anyway? :D OH! And after you drop me a line, be sure to check out my belated-birthday-ficcy by Serindraxx!! (www(_dot_)fanfiction(_dot_)net/s/4993932/1/Love_Game)


	6. Chapter 6

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **well…here we are at chapter six. Wow. LOL, raise your hand if you were pissed at me for leaving it there last chapter… XD Yeah, I thought so. Anyhoozer, this chapter, we pick right up where we left off and things steam ahead. Hold onto your hats, ladies and (if there are any of you) gents, the pace is going to be faster now. Thanks Decimare for introducing me to Vast. I am in awe of your brilliance and good taste in music! :D 'Close your eyes, let me touch you now, let me give you something that is real; close the door, leave your fears behind, let me give you what you're giving me…' Cheers!

PS. – GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!??!! My super-awesome-super-ultra-talented friend Decimare (who is the majority of the brains behind my particular little operation) has published the first chapter of her first ever fan fiction!! WOOT! It's AMAZINGLY AWESOME (and I would say this even if she weren't my friend XD) and I STRONGLY suggest you all go check it out! http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/4999303/1/Walk_the_Line …IT WILL BLOW YOUR MINDS!

XXX

"_Sirius," the lycan breathed._

"_Hmm?"_

"_Kiss me."_

Sirius' eyes widened, his imagination rapidly constructing a plethora of sinfully delicious outcomes that could expand from mere kissing. '_No,_' he told himself firmly. '_No, I_ _can't do that with Mooney…can I_?' Was it really so wrong if Remus wanted it? He swallowed thickly. "Are…are you s-sure, Remus?" he whispered.

Remus smiled, his lips soft as the corners of his mouth quirked up. "Positive."

The Animagus tried to convince himself that he wasn't taking advantage of the werewolf if Remus was asking him for this. His heart was beating frantically in his chest as he inched closer, eyes fixed on the molten amber of Remus' droopy-lidded eyes, flicking downward to that perfect mouth as a pink tongue moistened it.

His eyes fell shut, eyelashes brushing the very peaks of his aristocratic cheekbones and his mouth brushed hesitantly over Remus', only the barest amount of contact forcing a blush as electricity shot through him.

Remus leaned in, capturing Sirius' mouth hungrily, one hand fisting in the front of his shirt as he pulled him impossibly closer. His tongue was insistent against Sirius' lips and the brunette felt his control slipping.

He pulled back, pressing his forehead against Remus' as he panted like he'd just run around the block. "No," he whispered. "Remus…this…this is…"

Remus dropped his hand from Sirius' shirt, unable to help feeling hurt. "I…I'm sorry. I thought you would want to, but… Well I guess not…" he paused before adding in a hardly audible voice, "Who would want me anyway?" He looked down again and Sirius sighed, tilting his chin up again, unable to resist drawing the very tips of his fingers down the faintly scarred length of neck.

"You daft pouf, will you stop putting yourself down for one second?" Sirius murmured. "Of course I want to. It's just… I don't want you to…to rush into this."

"I'm not," Remus whispered back, shivering at the intimate touch. He was like a starving man eyeing a plate stacked high with chocolates as he looked at Sirius, his need for affection and intimacy robbing him of any sort of decorum. "Please Padfoot…"

Sirius closed his eyes briefly as his feeble excuses crumbled. "Okay," he breathed, opening his eyes again. "But just…just, go slow, okay?"

Remus almost laughed at the role reversal, but settled for smirking. "Done." He leaned in once more, gently sliding his lips across Sirius', tongue impatient behind his teeth as his friend (though he seemed to be much more than a mere friend at the moment, as the lycanthrope certainly wasn't kissing James or Peter) responded.

Lips melted seamlessly together, working in tandem as the lip lock tentatively deepened, Remus unable to resist pulling that pouty lower lip into his mouth. Sirius groaned as that fucking _perfect_ tongue traced the contours of his plump lip and his own mouth fastened over Remus' top one.

Unable to resist, Sirius let a hand slide up the rough stubble of a five o'clock shadow, cupping Remus' face as a tongue pressed insistently against his teeth, finally opening his mouth to the hesitant organ entry.

It was nothing like any of the kisses the pair had ever shared before. For one, they were both highly aware, despite their eyes being closed, of the other's movements, breathing, and body. Their mouths were chaste, like first-time lovers, Sirius afraid to frighten Remus and Remus afraid of his friend's rejection. But most importantly, it was the lycan who lead the kiss; he gently drew Sirius' tongue forward into his own mouth, wove his fingers through Sirius' hair recklessly, and leaned back to encourage Sirius to kiss harder.

The Animagus sighed, his cock throbbing and hard, as a long-fingered hand, one of the pair of hands he had fantasized and dreamed about since before he knew their touch, traces a meandering course down his chest and stomach, resting at the edge of his belt, asking the silent question Remus' lips were too busy to articulate.

His own hand shaking, Sirius hesitated. He wanted this. He _really_ wanted this, but…it felt too fast. The whole experience felt surreal as it was, and he knew if he let those delectable fingers slide over his hard-on, he wouldn't be able to stop. And for once, the Animagus listened to his little-used conscience, and instead of guiding Remus' hand lower, he pulled it back up and pressed it over his heart.

Remus pulled back. "What?" He didn't need to fully ask the question, as Sirius already knew it.

"I can't Mooney. Not yet. I want to…fuck I really, _really_, want to but…it's too soon. For both of us."

"Why? Where is this coming from?"

"I…" Sirius paused, his Gryffindor courage leaving him suddenly. "Fuck."

"What Padfoot? Just tell me… Is it me? Is it the fact that I'm 'damaged goods' now? What?" Remus asked, feeling more and more nettled as the nasty Michael-sounding voice in the back of his mind hissed suggestions for why Sirius didn't want him at him.

'_Why would he want you_? _Who _would_ want you_? _All those scars… You're ugly, damaged, stupid… Everyone knows it, Remus. Everyone knows you're just a worthless piece of trash._'

Sirius whined as though he could read the scroll of thoughts through Remus' head and kissed him softly again. "No…no, no Remus… It's…fuck, this going to sound so fucking corny but…it's because I love you. I don't want to risk anything that could fuck that up, Mooney. I let you go once, because I was too much of a pussy to tell you how I felt, and look what happened…I won't make the same mistake twice."

Remus felt his broken, stomped-on heart swell, the sensation like a pleasurable ache inside him. Tears pooled in his eyes inexplicably. "Don't…don't say that if you don't mean it," he choked out through a clogged throat. '_He's lying_,' hissed the voice that still haunted his every waking moment. '_Who could ever love _you?' Tears spilled over the rims of Remus' eyelids and streaked, hot and bitter, down his cheeks as he turned his face away.

"Oh Remus…" Sirius sighed, wiping away a salty tear with his thumb and kissing away the one that hurried to take its place. "Of course I mean it… It just took me too long to realize it. And for that, I'm sorry."

"Oh fuck, don't apologize!" Remus cried. "Just… I just…can't handle this Padfoot. I mean, Michael-" The lycanthrope came up short. It was the first time he's spoken the name aloud since he'd gotten free of his ex, and the simple smattering of letters, formed into a name, two syllables that rolled so easily of his tongue, had him choking on his breath, clutching the bedspread, and sent nausea rolling through him in waves.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, gently, anxiously, stroking hair off the other young man's brow, fingers soft and gentle. Remus flinched backward, the physical contact triggering deeply buried, dark memories that were still as fresh as the purpling bruises along his body. Sirius bit his lip, leaning out of Remus' personal bubble as the werewolf breathed deep, trying to clear the fog of unpleasantness that had slipped around him. "Should I go?" Sirius asked, torn. On the one hand, he realized that he probably shouldn't be here. He'd never been strong enough to resist his soft-spoken friend, and he knew if he stuck around he'd undoubtedly do something stupid. Then again, he hated the thought of Remus being alone at any point during the most critical of junctions in his life.

Leaving an abusive situation, Sirius knew from experience, could either make or break a person. Either you bucked up, toughened yourself inside and out, and carried on, bearing the scars of a past life, or you crumbled completely, lost yourself, isolated yourself, and let the pain from your cuts eat you alive until you broke entirely.

Sirius had been close to losing it completely. It was only James, and his family, who welcomed a rain-soaked, hungry stray into their house and home, and loved him more completely than Sirius had ever known possible that saved him from himself and his misery. He would be eternally grateful, he knew, to those people who had given him not just a place to stay, but also a reason to soldier on through his darkest hours; and now that Remus was at almost the same place, he wanted to be there for him.

"I'm s-sorry," Remus panted, able to meet Sirius gaze at last. "I just…it's all still so…fresh, and…"

"Remus, will you please stop apologizing?" Sirius muttered, aggravated that the lycan was taking all of this onto himself, like he always did.

"Sor-" Remus caught himself, and managed a weak smile.

Sirius smiled back, that soft, genuine smile that lifted the tattered edges of Remus' soul. "No worries Mooney. Come here." He folded the sandy haired man into his embrace, heart aching as Remus clung to him like a lifeline. "I'm here for you, Remus. I'm here for you."

XXX

Two weeks passed; two long, slow weeks that filled Remus with tension. And it was not just fear of what might happen if Michael came there, or somehow found him one of the rare times he had gone out. A growing portion of his tension was Sirius. Bluntly, he wanted him more than he'd wanted any other. It was a million times stronger than his previous relationship, even in its good days.

He tried to accredit it to the subtly approaching full moon, but even were that the case, Remus would still be craving that dark brunette. It was simple, really. Sirius…wanted him. Genuinely, completely, just the way he was…he could feel it in every caress, embrace; in every kiss and murmured word of adoration. It filled a gaping abyss inside him and he was hungry for more.

There was just the habit of Sirius' persisting case of a cautious conscience. "It's too soon Mooney," he would whisper. "I want you to be ready…really ready for this. I don't want to hurt you." Remus wanted to scream and rage but settled for merely smiling and stealing one last kiss before snuggling in to sleep.

It was a clear, slightly humid night, the pale three-quarter moon drifting serenely in its sea of diamond-dotted velvet through the window. Sirius sighed as he flipped the light on. He then turned and smiled at Remus. "Here it is."

The fairer looked around in interest. He had been shocked to learn Sirius had moved recently, into a spacious, lofty two-bedroom flat, financed by his late uncle's generosity. Remus smiled at him and Sirius grinned back. The joy was evident on Remus' face.

"It's beautiful," he murmured, squeezing his friend's hand. "But why two bedrooms?"

"That's the thing Mooney… Er…well I just thought that…y'know maybe, s-sometime," good Godric he was fucking stuttering of all things, "if you wanted to crash here or something, or just give James and Evans, er, Lily, a break y'know… Or…or whatever. Just handy to have I guess."

Remus grinned, unable to help but smile and bite his lip. "You want me to…stay over? With you?"

"We-well, er, if that's…y'know something you would…want… Yeah." The lycan almost giggled at the Animagus' nervousness. He stepped closer and slid his arms around Sirius.

"Tonight?" He purred, glancing up through his lashes.

Sirius bit back a groan at the glint of tawny eyes through a fringe of gold and grey sprinkled hair, unable to control the urge to snake his own arms around soft warm waist. "If you want to," he murmured, forehead pressing into Remus' in what had quickly become a familiar act.

Remus let his face bury into the crook of Sirius' shoulder before his nose glided up the pale column of neck, seeing his friend swallow, to press his lips just below the brunette's ear. "I want to," he breathed, teeth gently nibbling on a fleshy earlobe.

The brunette couldn't hold in his groan this time and his arms pulled Remus closer. He was pretty sure his balls were blue (who'd have thought the amber-eyed half of the pair could be such a goddamn fucking _tease_), but still, he was soft and gentle with the lupine man, forcing himself to wait. "Good," Sirius managed to reply in a mostly-not-hoarse voice. "We should…I dunno, go out to eat or something."

Remus pulled back and pouted. "We just got here… You should give me the grand tour instead," he replied, sighing silently as he pulled away from Sirius. He'd tried a plethora of tactics to woo Sirius into taking him to bed, everything from being shy and bashful, to hot and bothered, and even angry dominance (at which he'd failed abysmally). But no matter what he did, Sirius always found a way to halt things before they could go too far.

Only he wouldn't tonight. Remus wasn't stupid; he knew Sirius wanted him just as much as he craved the carnal pleasures he knew the Animagus could wring from his body, it was just frustrating to be denied over and over again. It brought out the glaring insecurities in him… Inspired the nasty little voice he valiantly tried to shut out in the back of his head. But tonight would be different. Tonight they wouldn't have to worry about James and/or Lily, about making noise. Tonight, Remus would show the man who was coming to be his everything in a frighteningly short amount of time how much he _needed_ him.

Sirius took the lycanthrope's hand and gently tugged him into motion. "Alright," he said, grinning and trying not to leer. "Well this is the kitchen…" he waved absently to the small kitchenette off of the main living area, "the living room…" a sweeping gesture encompassing the room they were passing through. "Bathroom," Sirius continued, pointing to a small, messy room strewn with towels and underwear, just visible through the partially ajar door, as he led Remus down the short hall. "Guest room," he muttered, indicating a sparsely furnished but very nice room. "And," he grinned again as he opened the door to his own bedroom at the end of the hall, "my room."

Remus smiled back as he stepped into the lofty, airy room. The walls were plastered with variously crookedly hung posters and photos, only brief snatches of the soft burgundy colour peeking through. The bed looked like he had stolen it straight from their old dorm room at Hogwarts (Remus wondered if maybe he actually _had_), right down to the brightly coloured hangings around the four-poster, and like the dorm had been when they were at school, the floor was a maze of discarded clothes, both clean and dirty.

A desk stood by the open windows, stacked with various books and papers and other such desk-like objects, all crowded around an owl cage that currently housed a sleepy, handsome screech. Remus frowned as he remembered the bird. He'd been a sort of friend when he had been with Michael, bringing fat letters stuffed with adoration and cheerfulness between the lines of messy script that always brightened Remus' days. A sad smile found its way to his lips as he tried to shake off the mantle of depression thinking about Michael brought.

"What's wrong?" Sirius muttered, instantly by him, caressing his face lightly as though he were made of glass. "Remus?"

The lycan forced a smile through the sudden onslaught of irritation. He both hated and adored in equal measure that Sirius tiptoed around him so much. It obviously showed that the brunette was true to his word in loving him, not wanting to hurt or frighten him, to care for him and shield him. But Remus didn't want a shield. He wanted a partner, a lover and his friend. He wanted Sirius as he'd known him, not this flustering, over-protective version. Because while this new Sirius was sweet and endearing…he missed the old, passionate, bubbly, and at times vulgar, Sirius.

"I'm fine Sirius," he assured his friend, squeezing the hand that was still attached to the Animagus'. "Really."

"Okay," the darker-haired man replied. "So…I'm starved. We should go get something to eat."

Remus pursed his lips as though he were thinking, and moved to sit on the edge of Sirius' bed, bouncing experimentally. "Or we could order in."

Sirius cocked a brow. "Or we could eat out." There was a brief pause before Remus snorted in laughter and the brunette was unable to help himself join in.

"Thought you batted for the other team now," Remus gasped after his laughter had subsided. Sirius was grinning and didn't mind when the lycan gently tugged him forward onto the bed. They laid back, legs dangling off the side of the bed, heads turned to face one another.

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes, too pleased to let the teasing affect him. Remus hadn't laughed so hard in weeks. And he knew, because he was rapidly becoming addicted to the soft-spoken, honey-haired man's presence. Remus bit his lip as another round of giggles shook through him before turning fully onto his side, leaning in to rest his head on the Animagus' shoulder.

"We could…'eat out', if you really want to, y'know," he murmured, eyes glittering with suppressed mirth and something Sirius couldn't quite define. He smirked and reached over to ruffle his friend's hair.

"I don't mind ordering in. Just… I mean, you don't have to tell me but… Why don't…?"

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. "You know, for claiming to be a Seer, you're very dense at times," Remus murmured, shuffling closer before lurching up in a blurred movement. When Sirius opened his eyes from blinking, the lycan was atop him, straddling his lap. Oh damn.

"Wha-what are you d-doing?" Sirius stuttered. "Remus, I-" But Remus covered his mouth with a hand.

"Sirius, for once in your life, listen to me when I tell you…shut the hell up." He removed his hand and Sirius opened his mouth to say something, anything, but then Remus' mouth was on his, tongue hungry and challenging in his mouth.

He tried to pull back, but his head only sank into the supple bedclothes and mattress, Remus' mouth going with him. Greedy hands pawed his belt and he couldn't control the groan. His hands fisted tightly, painfully, in the supple duvet cover, as he struggled for control. Mind and body strived for two different outcomes, and Sirius couldn't move, torn with indecision as he was.

His body was demanding, in a virtual scream of hormones and pounding arteries, that he grab Remus and snog the living fuck out of him (and then fuck the life out of him), but there was the sensible, reasonable part of his brain that said he should be doing this at all. He lay there, indecisive, for what seemed an eternity and yet no time at all, before he could force his arms to push Remus away gently.

"Remus…are…I don't want to…fuck, I don't want to hurt you Remus." The lycan growled and kissed Sirius fiercely again.

"I'm not made of glass," he panted, his mouth ravaging the brunette's again. "I'm not going to break if you touch me." His hips rolled and Sirius moaned, eyes fluttering shut. "And I'm not," Remus hissed against his ear, "going to keep letting you deny me. I want this goddammit, so deal with it." His lips found Sirius' again and kissed him possessively and Sirius, unable to find excuses anymore, kissed back just as hard with just as much enthusiasm, hands snaking over the fairer-haired man's back and neck and arse.

"Ohh fuck," Sirius rasped as Remus nipped and licked harshly down his neck. It was too much, too fast, but he didn't dare make a sound for fear the other man would stop his ministrations and leave Sirius hanging with a helluva hard-on. "Mmm…don't stop."

Remus felt his heart swell as his cheeks burned pink. He was responsible for the harmony of moans and soft sounds of pleasure rumbling up from his friend's larynx. It was he who turned Sirius fucking Black into a stuttering mess of incoherent need. And most important of all, it was _his_ name that Sirius whimpered as he shoved his shirt up, helping the Animagus to remove it, before greedily sucking one of the scrumptious nipples on the pale plane of chest into his mouth. Remus moaned as control, pure, unadulterated and heady control, raged through him, the wolf howling victoriously as lips and tongue and teeth laid claim to what was his.

Unable to take it much longer, Remus pulled back, quickly divesting himself of his own shirt. "I want you," he purred, throwing his clothing aside with abandon. "I want you in me," he panted huskily, urging Sirius to slither further up the bed, which he readily did. "Oh gods, Sirius…I need you so fucking bad."

Sirius grunted and reached for Remus belt, his hands shaking so much with pent-up sexual tension and nerves that he could barely get the damn thing undone. Remus smirked as he managed to kick himself free of the bothersome trousers and underwear, finally sitting naked atop him, looking for all the world like a fallen angel to the Animagus' eyes. "Remus," he whispered, reaching out tentatively, reverently almost, to stroke a hand down the smooth contours of his lightly scarred torso. Remus shivered in the wake of those fingers, the gentle touch rippling desire throughout his body.

The lycanthrope bit his lower lip in a motion that shouldn't logically have made Sirius' cock throb quite as hard as it did, and let those delectable, long-fingered hands slide down the flawless surface of Sirius' chest and stomach and hips to finally rest on his pulsating cock. "Gods, Remus, please," he choked out through the thick knot of arousal burning in his throat. Remus drew in a shuddering breath, eyes falling shut, and then opened over-bright amber-eyes that shone dimly with what looked suspiciously like tears.

Sirius made to sit up, kicking himself mentally for being so stupid as to letting things get this far when Remus _clearly_ wasn't ready for it, but the next thing he realized, the honey-haired man was bending down, tugging suggestively at the smooth-polished leather of his belt with his teeth. Good fucking Merlin…

His hands shook as he threaded them through the werewolf's hair, pulse racing in time with his panting, gasping breaths. Remus somehow managed to get his belt undone (he made a mental note to ask later just how in the devil he did it) and his tongue snaked out to taste the little trail of hair that disappeared into the hem of Sirius' pants. Those fingers that the brunette just wanted to suck on until sweet orgasm washed over him deftly unbuttoned his pants and shoved them down roughly.

Sirius lifted his hips and helped to remove the garment hissing as the cooler air of his flat washed over his hot, hard cock. "Fuck, Remus…"

The two words were enough for the lycan, and, with his heart drumming furiously in his chest, he leaned down, letting his mouth wrap comfortably around the length of prick before him. It was astonishing, he mused as his lips sucked and slid agonizingly slow over Sirius' shaft, how familiar the bitter tang of his more-than-a-friend friend's pre-come was in the back of his throat and on his tongue.

His own cock was aching with need, and he was unable to resist any longer, despite wanting to draw out his lover's passion for as long as physically possible. He pulled up with one last nerve shattering suck, panting just as hard as Sirius was, and crawled up the Animagus' body to press their lips together again as he positioned the thick shaft of phallus at his entrance.

"R-Remus, are you sure-?" Sirius managed to grit out through clenched teeth as the lycan pulled back and knelt, poised on the very brink of something hugely significant in their relationship, above him.

"I'm positive Padfoot. I…I want this." His voice was firm with resolution and harder than his cock.

"Shouldn't I…? I don't want to hurt you Mooney," the brunette murmured, hands gliding reassuringly up hair-sprinkled thighs and gently palming the amber-eyed man's dripping head. Remus practically growled his pleasure – it really was close to the full – and pushed downward, forcing the Animagus' cock into himself.

There was a tight, burning sensation as the thick shaft of flesh pressed into his un-stretched arse, but Remus reveled in it, the feeling only pushing his pleasure up a few delicious notches. Sirius practically howled expletives, hands tightening unconsciously on his lover's hips, fingers digging into the smooth, pale flesh. He waited until the burn slowly faded before rising and then sliding back down a few more agonizing inches.

"Remus," Sirius gasped, huffing and puffing, "Remus…ohh fuck, you're too tight…I'm not going to last… Oh good fucking Godric…"

Remus levered up again before sinking down, finally taking the entirety of Sirius' length into himself, groaning at the sharp stab of pleasure to his prostate. His hips swirled tantalizingly, and a groan echoed up from his throat as wave after wave of ecstasy lapped at the shore of his sanity, eroding it as effectively as water does a sandy cliff. "Yes…" The word hissed out, dragging the sound of the s into a string of completion.

They were both too impatient to savour the moment, and with the gentle guiding hands of the brunette, Remus settled into a frenzied pace, sliding up and down on Sirius' cock, his own member bouncing temptingly, drawing the brunette's hands before long. Remus groaned and moved faster, clenching as he rode out the invisible waves of pleasure every stroke to his prostate created.

"Fuck…fucking buggering FUCK! I-…I'm going to come Remus…" Sirius practically snarled, now thrusting up as hard as possible into his friend-turned-lover, gripping his hips to amplify his own movements.

"Yes!" Remus screamed as the desire exploded in the bit of his belly and from the tip of his cock, splattering artfully across Sirius' hand and stomach. Sirius felt his own euphoria tip into the brink of completion. The stunning image of Remus straddling him, chest heaving, head thrown back, blurred with the intensity of the flames consuming the Animagus' body and he whispered a heated "I love you," as he came and surrendered himself to the man who had stolen his heart.

They lay, one on top of the other, trying to regain their breath and slow their racing pulses, sweat cooling slowly on their bodies. Limbs tangled recklessly, perfectly, in sated pleasure and Remus pressed gently lips into Sirius' neck.

"Do you really love me?" he murmured, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to face rejection.

"You silly prat," Sirius scoffed lightly. He rolled them confidently, his weight barely pressed over the lycan's body, his half-hard cock still buried in him. He looked into Remus' uniquely amber, hauntingly beautiful eyes and grinned, heart full. "Of course I love you."

Remus smiled an angel's smile and pulled their lips together. "I want you," he rasped, finally breaking their lip lock.

"Again?" Sirius teased, even as his own libido flared valiantly. "And you say I'm insatiable."

The lycan slid those pianist's hands down the smooth contours of Sirius' back, finally cupping his glorious buttocks and squeezing before a Marauder's glint shone in his eyes. The darker haired man couldn't think to reply before a hand spanked him lightly, teasingly, but with enough sting to excite.

Sirius grunted. "Mmm, Merlin, I adore you Mooney." Remus smiled triumphantly. "But I'm going to devour every inch of that body of yours before I let you come again."

Remus' answer was clear as he pulled his best friend in the entire world, and the man he was certain would carry him through this storm in his life, close and wrapped his legs around the supple pale flesh before thrusting his tongue into Sirius' mouth. The world seemed light…bright, and freshly exciting all of a sudden. It was a world of hope and happiness, love and laughter. Remus' tattered heart shone.

But like all good things, it was destined to end at some point or another. And as the two gently, adoringly made love until their exhausted bodies couldn't anymore, neither knew just how soon that would be.

XXX

**Author's Note: **so…sort of not a cliffy...BUT LOOK! SMUT! *points* :D LOL, I know I said this would be only a few more chapters but…just stick around. ;D And now go check out Decimare's fic!! DO IT! Cheers!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **sorry for the long wait on the update of chapter five as a result of some reshuffling I had to do with the arrangements of things, but I've decided on what I want now, so updates will go back to regular. (: In other news, HAPPY BELATED EASTER!! I got lotsa chocolates, so parts of this were written on a sugar binge XD Drop me a review? *looks hopeful* Again, thanks a boatload to Decimare, for introducing me to the band VAST, which is creepily fitting with my fic so far!! 'I didn't mean to hurt you, but you're pretty but when you cry…I didn't wanna fuck you, but you're pretty when you're mine…I didn't really love you, but I'm pretty when I lie.' The song 'You're Pretty When You Cry' by Vast was huge inspiration this chapter! Cheers!!

PS. – NEW OBSESSION!! Lysander and Lorcan Scamander (Luna and Rolf's twin sons) *gurgles* SOO HOT! WANT TO SEE THEM SHAGGING!! Expect a fic starring those two soon folks!!

XXX

Sirius grunted, mind struggling through to consciousness. "Sirius," hissed a voice in his ear, "wake up!"

"Whazhapnin?"

"Listen," whispered a rough, frightened voice.

It had been almost three days since Remus' overnight visit at Sirius' flat, and the pair were, once again, back in the comfortable bed in James and Lily's guest room. As Sirius sat up, he saw Remus, knees huddled close to his chest, quaking as though under the icy grip of Death itself, peering at him. His mind was still fuzzy with too little sleep. He glanced at the clock on the guest bedroom night table. That was why, only forty-five minutes of exhausted sleep. He had held Remus until the lycan's eyelids drooped and kiss swollen mouth relaxed; the only thing that eased the man's nightmares was the Animagus' presence.

And anxiety over the fast approaching full moon had Remus on edge even more. Sirius personally thought the bastard deserved to get mauled by Remus' darker half, but knew the love of his life would never be able to live with himself if that happened.

He thought his amber-eyed friend may have had a nightmare and reached out to him, but the loud pounding of fist on wood wafted up the stairs then, along with a murderous voice shouting at the top of its range. "I know you're fucking in there you son of a bitch!"

Sirius froze.

"It's him," whispered Remus. "He found me…I knew he would find me…" His voice was ragged and broken and tears flowed easily from his eyes. "I'm going to die…I'm going to die," he sobbed, burying his face in his arms, which were wrapped tightly around himself.

The Animagus jumped from bed and grabbed his wand from the table. "Wait here Remus," he murmured, but the werewolf grabbed his arm.

"No! No you can't go Padfoot, please don't go…please, he'll…he'll… Stay with me. Please."

Sirius' heart broke for what seemed the millionth time. "Shh," he breathed, sliding back down toward Remus on the mattress, gently prying the fingers from his arm. He cupped Remus' face and kissed him softly, gently, adoringly and reassuringly. "I'll be back Moonshine, I promise. I'll be back before you miss me."

Remus gulped and nodded, eyes filling again as he watched Sirius rise and head toward the door. Sirius whipped out of sight silently, unable to hear Remus whisper three tortured words. "I love you…" Then, "Come back to me… I love you."

The door was rattling in its frame as Michael pounded on it, and Sirius' eyes narrowed as he clenched his wand. "I will break down this fucking door!" His words were slurred. Lovely.

James and Lily were away on Order business and Sirius dearly regretted his best mate's presence and said best mate's fiancée's magical prowess. He crept down the stairs and opened the door, just as Michael was preparing to beat on it again. "What the _fuck_ are you doing?" he snarled, wand concealed at his side.

"I know he's here Black, I fucking _know_ it! Remus, get the fuck down here!!" he bellowed. He started forward as if to enter the dwelling, but Sirius poked him back in the chest, a small round hole burning itself into his chest as the Animagus' wrath flowed unintentionally through his wand.

Sirius could smell the reek of booze coming off Michael's person and see the stains it had made when he'd spilled in down the front of his bright red shirt. "You're drunk. I don't know how many bottles it's taken you into deluding yourself that Remus would be here, but I can assure you; he's not. Now fuck off. I _told_ you what would happen if I ever saw your fucking face again."

Michael looked at the Animagus as though he had just seen him for the first time. "_You_," he breathed, chest heaving with emotion. "You…you…you fucker." His finger pointed at Sirius' neck, drunk and accusatory. "What the fuck is _that_ then? Huh?"

Sirius' fingers rose to press tenderly against the mark on his neck, flushing slightly as pleasant images of Remus straddling him, biting, licking, and sucking with unmitigated fervor as he lay, groaning and completely under the lycan's spell. Remus had made to apologize afterward, concerned his fervent kissing from the onset of the full had somehow offended, but Sirius had brushed it off. He didn't mind in the slightest having Remus ravage him.

"None of your business," he murmured. He stepped out onto the front stoop and closed the door behind himself. Michael tottered backward.

"Oh, now I see how it is…we're gonna take this one on one, eh? You gonna fight me like a real man Black?" His fists swam before Sirius' face, who tried to control his temper.

_It's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it_, the Animagus told himself, repeating the mantra in his head as he counted slowly to ten.

"Y'know, you're nothing but a fucking pussy," Michael slurred, laughing uproariously. Sirius felt his carefully controlled temper inch up a notch. "I can't even see why you would stoop so low as to fuck Remus, though I admit he was alright in bed. You look like you need a _real_ man." His hips bucked obscenely as he made a drunken approximation of a pleasurable look. "How many times have you ridden that piece of shit, eh Black?" he snarled as Sirius' fist balled into tight spheres of murderous rage.

His temper was at boiled and if he could speak past the thick taste of it in his throat, he would tell the blond devil to shut the fuck up right then.

"Tell me," Michael mused, oblivious in his intoxication of presumed power and booze, "have you let the little bitch suck your cock Black? Does he still swallow it all like a good little lad, eh?"

Sirius' carefully, meticulously controlled rage snapped. Thinking ceased as pure adrenaline spiked rage took over him, and his painfully balled fist arced back, the motion smooth and sinuous with purpose, before slamming forward in a blur to fly into Michael's jaw. There must have been a burst of magic to throw the blue-eyed man halfway across the lawn, but Sirius didn't register it as he strode forward purposefully, watching as Michael stirred, too far gone to sit up.

He kneeled over the man, one knee either side of his hips and took the one-time (grudgingly) handsome face in his hand, fingers like iron, painfully pressing the rapidly darkening jaw. "You are going to wish you had never said that," Sirius murmured, smiling horrifyingly, without any humour, his pupils dilated with mind numbing rage, black as his surname and deadly.

"Fuck y-" Michael managed to get out before another fist slammed into his ribs, knocking the wind from him.

"I am going to rip off your motherfucking balls," the brunette purred, a third fist hammering into his nose with sickening pain. Blood splattered daintily.

The Animagus' fist had just come up for the fourth time, when suddenly, iron arms were wrapping around him, pulling him inexorably backward. He let out a cry filled with frustration and pain and immediately started struggling.

"Stop! Sirius stop, stop!" A frantic voice called, soft on the edge of Sirius' hearing. He stopped shouting. "Sirius, please…don't do this. I can't let you do this for me." The pale brunette paused his escape attempts, shaking his head to clear the haze of anger.

"Remus?"

"Sirius," his voice was thankful, mouth hovering tantalizingly over Sirius' neck as his arms turned from restraining to embracing, breath fanning over the exposed flesh. "I…I think I-"

The loud, sudden CRACK of James and Lily's return cut off any attempts at speech wither could think to make, the newcomers quickly gaining the gist of the situation. Lily pulled her wand coldly, satisfyingly, on Michael, who was groaning, holding his broken nose as he rolled on the ground, his buzz surely ruined. James hurried over to his friends, giving Sirius a wondering look before it changed to questioning. "What the bloody hell happened?"

"That…that bastard…" Sirius growled, voice sticky in his throat, husky with only dampened rage.

"He came…for me," Remus muttered, casting a teary-eyed gaze at the messy-haired man. "Sirius…Sirius went to go tell him to leave and…and there was a…fight. I pulled him away. You see, he had to come back to-" He stopped abruptly, ducking his head in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his blush, arms slipping from around the black-haired pureblood's waist. Sirius frowned unconsciously.

"Well I would say congratulations, but…well I'm kind of pissed I didn't get to be in on it," James said, in an attempt to break the palpable tension.

A tear streaked traitorously down Remus' cheek as he shook his head, and he wiped quickly at it. "I don't want Sirius to get in trouble." The soft murmur was full of implications that James didn't care to know right now.

James grimaced suddenly. "I sure hope the Order doesn't find out about this. Or worse, the Death Eaters and papers. Can you bloody imagine?" Sirius could, and he didn't give two flying fucks at the moment.

"I just wish I had time to keep my bloody promise to the son of a bitch." James refrained from asking for deniability (if need should arise).

"Sirius," Remus chastised gently and the Animagus sighed.

"You're right Remus. You're always right." _Not always_, his subconscious remarked snidely. There was a pause in conversation as James glanced over at Lily keeping an eye on Michael, smiling to see her well in control, a sexy, haughty expression on her face that made him want to take her upstairs and- "Should we…do something?" Sirius added eventually, effectively breaking off James' daydream. "Modify his memory maybe?"

"No," James replied. "It might be traced. I say we make sure he doesn't say anything though."

Sirius didn't see how the spell might be traced, but shrugged. "Fine by me," he said casually, starting forward.

"_I_ will do it," James said firmly as Remus grabbed the Animagus' hand.

Sirius scowled, but at the gentle pressure on his fingers from the lightly trembling Remus, he nodded. As James hurried over to where his fiancé stood, the lycanthrope let out a shivering sigh. Sirius schooled his expression and turned to face Remus, rubbing his hands up and down the goosebumped arms.

The amber-eyed man shrugged, his gaze molten despite the shivering. "I heard what he said…to you," Remus whispered as Sirius pulled him tighter. His face was red, his eyes burning with tears of shame. He felt weak and stupid and foolish for crying so bloody much (why not just cut of his prick now and get implants?) like a woman.

"Shh, Remus," Sirius replied, pulling his one-time boyfriend of sorts against his body, curling protectively around the seemingly frail body. "It's going to be okay." He frowned at his bruising, blood-speckled knuckles and stroked Remus' hair with the other hand.

Remus clung to him, watching with wide eyes as James stepped away from Lily and turned to Michael.

XXX

James couldn't be in the presence of his startlingly…_different_ best friends. He could sense it, the same way he could sense the sheer love and joy Lily exuded as she caught him walking over; something was up between his two best mates and he had a nagging suspicion his hunch about it was right.

But despite the fact he thought his hunch to be right, he didn't dare to question the two about it. Not after making a complete ass of himself that one time. No. Because James knew if he pushed Sirius to anger (and it wasn't really hard to do), the other Animagus would forgive and forget after the heat of the moment, but if he angered Remus, the lycan would undoubtedly stay mad, and that was never good.

Sighing, he hugged his fiancée briefly, before turning to the task at hand. An angry flash of satisfaction rippled through him at the sight of the ugly dark bruise, still blooming, on Michael's jaw and the thickly, startlingly red blood congealing on his face and dripping down the sides of his mouth. The feeling flared as control, raw and uninhibited flowed through James, and he had to grit his teeth to keep his mind on track. Michael's clearly terrified gaze was tempting but it wouldn't do to lose his temper now.

"Get up," he muttered. Michael didn't move and James sighed, jabbing him with his wand none too lightly in the midsection. He had to bite his lip to keep from smirking. "I said, get up."

Michael slowly lifted into a sitting position before gingerly standing, still bent as if the blow Sirius had inflicted upon him had injured him internally. '_Probably hurt his pride worse than anything else_,' the Animagus thought uncharitably. But that was beside the point. "Come to finish off what your little friend started?" Michael snarled.

James couldn't hide his amusement this time, and smiled briefly. "I wish. No, rather to tell you to get the fuck out of here before I change my mind and take you up on that very appealing suggestion."

Michael's face contorted, the blood and bruising making a horrific mask. "That little fuck is going to wish he didn't do that. I might not be a wizard but I'm not fucking stupid…I know how the rules in your little freakish world work. I'm going to nail Black's balls to the fucking wall, see if I don't!"

James was shoved aside as a mane of red hair crackled with magical energy. "I would _love_ to see you try," Lily spat. "But first, you're going to have to find the Ministry of Magic. Good luck with _that_. And then you're going to have to convince have the sodding employees in the building why they should give two flying fucks about a piece of shit Muggle like you." She stabbed the taller, much more formidable, but currently practically cowering man, in the chest with a finger. "Because for all your knowledge of the 'rules' in our world, they aren't going to help you when the storm hits. You'll just be more collateral damage…and good riddance too."

The messy-haired man stared at Lily with wide, astonished eyes. Michael looked rather the same, but hurriedly assimilated his features into a look of menace that wasn't quite convincing.

"You'll regret this," he growled before turning oh his heel and stomping off through the garden gate. James pulled Lily, whose chest still rose and fell rapidly as anger licked up her insides, scorching away common sense, and who looked like she would like nothing more than to follow after Michael and hit him with a few more insults and maybe a hex or two, to his chest.

"Fuck I love you."

The words cleared Lily's head and she wrapped her arms around her fiancé's waist. "The feeling is mutual," she replied grinning, and pulled him down for a kiss.

XXX

Remus twitched in his sleep, eyebrows drawing down as if he were thinking in his sleep, fist clenching unconsciously. His leg jerked again, almost comically, like an animal that dreams of running while it sleeps, and a soft whimpering moan slipped out of his mouth.

His entire frame shivered now and a rogue arm flung outward, as though trying to ward off an invisible monster that panted over him. The limb got tangled in the sheet and he struggled, still in the deep grips of slumber, to free himself. Elbow connected sharply with something warm and definitely solid.

Sirius awoke with a start, his jaw on fire and the taste of his own blood in his mouth. His eyes, rapidly adjusting to the gloom of the darkened room, flicked about perfunctorily, but he saw no grinning, malice-filled attacker looming over him. Instead he saw Remus thrashing, tangling the bedclothes around his legs, head lolling from side to side as the night terror gripped him.

He dodged another attack and pressed himself into the curves of Remus, still amazed at how well they fit together. "Remus!" he said in a low voice. "Mooney, wake up love… You're having a nightmare." Soft hands smoothed over the fair-haired man's back and neck, reveling in the smooth texture of skin crisscrossed with scars. Remus?"

"No," Remus muttered, his thrashing calming somewhat. "No, I love him… Take me, Michael… Yes. No…no, I love you… Sirius…stop!"

Sirius felt as though his heart stopped. Ice froze his veins and jealousy reared its ugly, enviously green head. His lips felt numb as he spoke words an automatic part of his brain controlled and he wondered how he was still alive. Surely, when a heart broke, it meant the person no longer kept living, right? How did one live without an intact, fully functioning heart? It was certainly beyond him, but his heart continued to beat out it's slow, even rhythm, and his chest continued to rise and fall with every breath as he robotically shook Remus, still gentle as ever, awake.

The lycan's eyes snapped open, and for one brief moment, the dream lingered, and hard, tanned hands wrapped around Sirius' neck, squeezing and clenching the life from the body of the man he adored. Then he blinked and reality came back – just Sirius, sitting up in bed, looking at him with hollow eyes.

He didn't bother to think as he threw his arms around the darker haired man, pressed his face into the warm crook of neck and inhaled deeply. "Sirius," he breathed, clinging to him desperately. A heartbeat sounded loud in the silence, and Remus pulled back from the body he noticed was suddenly stiff and hard, completely unresponsive. Fear lapped at the edges of his mind again. "Sirius?"

"You were having a nightmare," the Animagus said formally. The amusingly posh and haughty accent he'd had way back in first year at Hogwarts (and subsequently lost as the pages of the calendars fell away) made the words seem cold and uncaring.

Remus knew this, of course. He'd been the one having it after all. Something was…off, though, with Sirius. He'd only ever seen him act this way when he was- "Did I…do something?" he asked softly. "In my sleep?"

"Well you did elbow me in the face," Sirius admitted, a bit of his usual self coming back, a slight gleam in his eyes, but then they were frigid and cut off again, like shutters had closed over them. "And you were…talking."

Remus brow furrowed in his confusion as he tried to conjure up the gist of his dream again; it wasn't hard. It was confusing, trying to sort out the timeline of his nightmare, now that it had drifted into the ether of his mind, but he focused and bits of it started coming together.

He had been in James and Lily's kitchen, looking for salt (he couldn't recall why) and there had been the slow, grating sound of a door opening. Remus had turned, and even the memory of the dream froze the blood in his veins solid. Michael had been there, clad in a bright red suit, and holding a long, glinting, and dangerously sharp knife…

_"You thought you could get away from me, did you?" Michael purred. Remus backed into the counter, feeling trapped and helpless as his ex stepped slowly forward, the knife clutched in his hand. It seemed to draw the lycan's eyes like the scene of an accident draws a crowd of morbidly curious spectators. "Thought I wouldn't come and find you eventually…"_

_Another step forward, and suddenly Sirius appeared around the corner of the doorway, a greeting half out of his mouth, before he stopped dead at the sight before him._

_"Well, well," Michael chuckled, as though Sirius was on old friend he hadn't been expecting to turn up at a dinner party. "Black… This is going to save me _so_ much time."_

_Remus tried to run forward, even as he watched Michael's hands, impossibly fast, grip the Animagus' throat, spinning him, holding him as a hostage, the knife pressed to the smooth white column of throat, but as in most dreams, he couldn't move fast enough. A strangled cry was wrenched from him as his heart dropped to the vicinity of his toes._

_"Stop," he choked out, voice croaky and rough and barely audible. Remus watched as the edge of the knife pressed harder against Sirius neck, a thin ribbon of shockingly red blood skating over the perfect flesh, spotting the dark haired man's shirt. "No!"_

_Michael laughed, sadistic and without humour. "Why would I stop Remus? This is just_ so much _fun… If only I had a camera to capture that look on your face. I doubt even if I'd started with you you'd look so fucking pathetically dejected. Are you going to miss your little fuck buddy?"_

_Remus bit the inside of his cheek in an effort to stop the tears. Uncharacteristically, he noted with the very smallest portion in the tiniest corner of his mind, Sirius was silent and quiescent in Michael's grip. Maybe he feared movement would only delay the inevitable death… "No," he repeated stupidly. "I…I love him. Please…"_

_Michael laughed that frightening laugh devoid of mirth again. "You _love_ him do you?' he drawled softly, and Remus made as if to move forward, but the knife pressed sharper into Sirius' neck, finally wringing a cry of discomfiture from him._

_"Take me instead," the honey haired man whispered. "Take me, Michael…"_

_The blond made a parody of thinking before a wry, nightmare-inducing grin curved his lips. "Tell me Remus…would you give up your own life if I were to spare his? Do you really 'love' him so much as that?"_

_Remus didn't even have to think and his response came without hesitation. "Yes."_

_Michael sneered and growled, "Wrong answer," before drawing back his arm. Time slowed, and Remus watched in horror as the knife flashed upward sharply, pausing for a drawn-out heartbeat at its height._

_His words flowed effortlessly like the water over smoothed stones in a riverbed. "No…NO! I love you, Sirius!" Then his voice died, and it was a tortured whisper that framed the words, "Stop…Michael, stop!"_

...Remus shook himself as his memories of the nightmare dried up. The next thing he remembered was being shaken awake by the cold, stiff-bodied man next to him. He realized that real tears had spilled down his cheeks and scrubbed at them with the edge of the sheet. He didn't understand, and although he feared rejection with such vehemence, he reached out and took Sirius' hand, breathing a sigh when it wasn't immediately withdrawn. "Why are you mad at me?" he whispered before he could stop himself.

That seemed to shake Sirius from his stupor. "Mad at you?"

Remus nodded. "You won't…look at me. It's like you're…jealous?" The lilt at the end of his statement turned it into a question, and the lycan realized immediately he had hit his mark when Sirius looked away again. "What are you jealous of?"

"You were…talking…" Remus merely waited as the silence stretched between them, knowing if it stretched long enough it would break eventually. "And you said you loved…him."

The amber-eyed man blinked once, then again as the words sunk in and he tried to make sense of them. "You…you think I love…? After everything he…? Oh Sirius!" Remus couldn't help himself (or bring himself to care that he was acting like a sodding queen) as he burst into tears again, throwing his arms around the other man. "You stupid, stupid… God you are so thick!"

Sirius, who had melted slightly at the obvious display of affection, froze again, and Remus pulled back, breathless and red-eyed.

"You bloody plank, I don't love him."

"Then who…?" His mind finally kicked into gear and everything clunked into place. "Oh…"

Remus barely had time to smile before a mouth, demanding and hungry was over his again, and the lycanthrope surrendered himself completely to it.

The clock ticked seconds by, but they didn't pass for the two young men as tongues delved and claimed and frantic hands pulled clothing from bodies aching with need.

Sirius practically growled as Remus rolled onto his back, pulling the Animagus over him, and pulled back, panting. "Mooney?" he rasped.

"Take me Sirius… Please, take me…I'm yours." The words, words that Sirius had heard just minutes (or hours, or maybe even days) before, words he had heard out of context and thought Remus meant for Michael, now words that he knew were his and his alone, sent his heart hammering and blood pounding through his veins as lust pooled in his belly and his cock hardened fully.

"Mine," he agreed, capturing Remus' mouth again and the slighter man spread his legs, giving himself readily to Sirius, who eased himself into the tight, satisfyingly familiar heat, too close to wait for preparation.

Remus grunted, and Sirius paused, fearing he had hurt him, but then one long, lithe leg wrapped around his arse, forcing him in deeper, and he moaned in tandem with the lycan.

The charcoal haired man slid almost completely out before slamming back in, forcing a hoarse sound of pleasure from his partner's larynx, and his body shook as he tried to reign in his orgasm. "Say it again," he panted into Remus' ear. "Fuck Mooney…please, please say it again." His thrusts picked up speed, until he was bucking in and out in time to their racing hearts, and Remus was practically screaming, "Yours! Yours! All yours!"

With one final thrust, and a grunted, "Mine," Sirius lost himself to euphoria, hand clenching around Remus length and pushing the other man to release as well. They tensed and arched up against and into one another, arms clutching, legs binding, until sated completion rolled through them after the tsunami of their ecstasy.

They lay, sticky and sweating, panting and gasping, Sirius on top of his lover, Remus fingers stroking adoringly through the Animagus' hair. "In case you didn't realize," he murmured some time later, "that was me saying I love you."

Sirius chuckled and rolled to the side, instantly pulling Remus atop him and sliding his tongue into the lycanthrope's mouth, hands clenched around delectable, perfect arse cheeks. "I think I like the non-verbal version better."

XXX

**Author's Note: **I KNOW I KNOW!! I'm so late with this it's not even funny. But just think, would you rather this be late, or your period? At least mine doesn't involve nine months of weight gain and hours of horrendous pain. ;D Er, I'm terrible for asking, but…review? I'll grovel if I have to... 'See it's down to me to defend it, the last glimmer of hope in their eyes…' LOVE! Cheers!!

PS. – This is mostly just to Decimare but… I tried to work in the original dream sequence (for an idea of it, check out the video for VAST's 'Pretty When You Cry' *cough-youtube-cough*) and it just didn't want to be written. ): I hope a little smut made up for it though!


	8. Chapter 8

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **so this, really, is like the…second or third last chapter, technically, but there'll be an epilogue, so expect a total of eleven/twelve-ish chapters! :D YAY! And unfortunately, things are going to be angst-y and sad for a bit again. But…well I still guarantee that Happy Ending!! Leave a review? 'When you leave, my colours fade to grey…' Cheers!!

PS. – is it weird that I'm writing smut while a (decidedly good looking) complete stranger is in the next room fixing my toilet? No? Okay, I didn't think so either…

XXX

Remus Lupin couldn't help but smile, even though the sunlight that crept persistently in through the cracks of the drapes made his eyes water and burn. He yawned and stretched, feeling luxuriantly lazy, and his eyes invariably sought Sirius.

The charcoal haired young man sprawled next to him, drool clinging to the light stubble on one cheek, the sunlight glinting and blurring the edges of his face, painting a glowing halo around him. His legs were tangled in the sheet that hung low on his hips, the mouthwatering line of hair between the edge of the material and belly button shiny in the morning glare.

The lycan sat up, propping one hand against his messy golden brown hair, amber eyes tracing the lines and curves of Sirius' body. He was gorgeous, lying there. He looked like some Deadly Angel, fallen from the heavens, who had tired of wreaking havoc and destruction, and it took Remus' breath away as his heart swelled and compressed his lungs.

The soft, succulent weave of blood under skin shaded Sirius' parted lips rose against ivory skin, black hair swept delicately and artfully around the snowy pillow and gentle rise and fall of the Animagus' torso in peaceful slumber conveyed the feeling in Remus' heart and chest and very soul that words could not. He grinned as his gaze smoothed lower, and he spotted the outline of his lover's half-hard morning wood through the thin, sunshine drenched sheet. It must be very warm there in that patch of sun…

He edged closer as his own semi-erect cock gave a little jump and his mouth watered. He swallowed thickly and scooted downward, gently pulling the edges of the sheet down to reveal, slowly, tantalizingly, Sirius' impressive member. And it was just as beautiful and flawless as every other last inch of the man. Even half hard it made Remus' blood heat and stir with arousal. Carefully watching the heavily lidded eyes of his sleeping lover, Remus trailed a finger purposefully down the thick ridge of Sirius' prick, smiling as it stirred and the grey-eyed man muttered incoherently in his sleep.

His tongue snaked out and he licked a hot stripe across the head of his friend-turned-lover's cock. Sirius sighed, still asleep somehow, and rolled over onto his back completely, allowing Remus to gently part his legs and shimmy closer. The thick pink muscle that generally resided in the now _quite_ aroused Remus' mouth slid out again, after savouring the bittersweet treat his lover offered up, coating the roof of his mouth sensuously with it, and traced a meandering path down the rapidly swelling length of Sirius' erection. He was rewarded with a breathy groan and looked up to see the Animagus' eyelids twitching as he was lifted from slumber.

Unable to hold back, Remus moaned gently and took almost the entirety of the darker haired man's cock into his mouth, sucking reverently, eyes flicking up to Sirius' face as he suckled. Fingers trailed a molten course across the velvet sac of the Animagus' balls and Sirius groaned softly, eyes finally blinking open.

Remus smiled (as much as was possible) up at the tousle-haired, sleepy-eyed Sirius, who smirked lazily back. "Morning Moonshine," he whispered hoarsely, and Remus replied by sucking harder, forcing a throaty moan. "Mmm…and it looks like a good one too."

The bright light from the morning pouring in highlighted Remus' hair blonde and grey and amber as Sirius ran his fingers through it, gasping and moaning as the lycan's head bobbed and his wicked mouth sucked and laved the heated flesh. And just when Sirius thought it couldn't possibly get any better, Remus pulled away and panted in a low, rough voice, lips brushing across the over-sensitized head of his throbbing cock, "Come for me Padfoot."

Then his mouth was back, all hot, wet, fucking _perfect_ suction and Sirius howled, hips bucking into the willing depths of Remus' throat as he spilled his load in the amber-eyed werewolf's mouth. He groaned, body limp with sated exhaustion, as Remus continued to suck him, unwilling to relinquish even a drop of the salty/sweet essence, and little stabs of pleasurable pain shivered across his valiantly twitching cock.

If it were possible, he would have come again at the sight of Remus finally releasing him, with a last hearty suck and a delicious pop as his limp member slipped from those friction-plumped lips. A tiny rope of come stretched between the lycan's mouth and the head of Sirius' prick and he hurriedly pulled Remus upward to kiss him, thrusting his tongue into the surprised mouth before him, groaning as he tasted himself.

"I love you, Remus," he panted, fingers wandering down to caress the thick, pulsing length of cock that pressed into his hip. Remus groaned and pressed his face into the crook of Sirius' neck.

"I love you too," he breathed, teeth gently teasing along the satiny flesh before tongue smoothed the sting away. Sirius smiled, feeling content for the first time in what felt like a long time. He had everything he needed, right there in his arms, and no one was going to take Remus away from him.

It was with a light heart that he rolled them, claiming the lycanthrope's mouth again before journeying lower, fully intending to give the writhing man the blowjob of a lifetime.

XXX

James Potter sighed and ran a hand through his hair, tugging absentmindedly on the fringe of his messy 'do. There were only a few things he hated more than messy confrontations fraught with the possibility of giant temper tantrums and loss of best friends, and he would gladly take them right now. Instead, he sighed again, bracing himself, and knocked softly on the guest bedroom door. "Remus? Sirius?" he croaked. Clearing his throat, he added, louder, "Are you two in there?"

"Where else would we be Prongsie ol' boy?" came Sirius cheerful voice from behind the wood. James cursed mentally. He had hoped (however futilely) that Remus had been alone; it would undoubtedly cause him less of a headache in the long run. But, just as he'd been suspecting, the other Animagus was also present. He hardly seemed to leave Remus' side anymore, which was the whole reason he was being forced to _have _this conversation in the first place…

"You can come in James," said Remus in an amused tone.

"Er…are you two decent?"

Sirius cackled, but Remus replied with a 'Yes', so James opened the door hesitantly, peeking in and breathing more easily now that he knew he wasn't about to be scarred for life. "What can we do for you?" the lycanthrope asked softly.

James paused, assessing the situation. They were both, thank Merlin, fully dressed, but Sirius was suspiciously sprawled on Remus' bed, his head in the other man's lap. He eyed them critically, looking for signs of recent snogging or (he shuddered at the very thought) shagging, and was slightly appeased that the only possible marker for sexual-based activities was that perhaps Remus looked a little more rumpled than was entirely normal for him, and Sirius looked inordinately smug. "I need to have a…chat with you two," he replied slowly.

Remus' brow furrowed slightly and Sirius' eyes narrowed. James cursed Fate again for not being able to have this little heart to heart with his friends separately. "Oh really," Sirius said in an offensive tone. "Well, out with it then Prongs, let's hear it."

James grimaced. "Look, I know this is probably none of my business and everything, and normally I wouldn't even bother asking, it's just…" He paused, unsure how to continue, and Remus smiled understandingly.

"Go on, James."

Sirius was still glaring, so the bespectacled man focused on Remus as he spoke. "It's just, you're two of my best mates, and… And well I don't want that to get…fucked up. And if you don't want to hear what I have to say, you can tell me to sod off right now and I will, I just… Are you two…?" He choked on his words, unable to continue.

Sirius and Remus, however, got the message loud and clear. Sirius opened his mouth aggressively to make what promised to be a scathing retort, but the lycan placed a soft, long fingered hand on his arm in a silent restraint, and Sirius paused. James, staring wretchedly at his hands, couldn't bear to look up and see the anger on his friends' faces. Remus' least of all.

He'd put this off as long as was possible, even suffering from Lily withholding her womanly gifts the previous night (and it had been an exceptionally long night), but it could be avoided no more. James wasn't even sure what he wanted to hear… If his friends told him that no, they weren't doing the nasty, it would undoubtedly lead to another argument like the one he'd had with Padfoot when he accused the Animagus of taking advantage of their lycanthropic friend's delicate emotional situation. Then again, if they told him that yes, they were shagging the bejesus out of one another, he would have all those horrible images in his brain and he knew they would definitely scar him mentally.

The silence was deafening as it stretched between the three friends, fraught with unsaid words that had the potential to tear them apart. Remus, however, saw how conflicted his friend was, and being the kind soul he was, took pity on him. "Do you want the truth James?" he asked at last.

James looked up. "Er… Yes. Yes I want the truth, but…please don't go into any…details or anything. And I mean, if you _want_ to tell me…"

Sirius snorted derisively. "If we _wanted_ to tell you we _would _have."

"Sirius," Remus chided. "Look, this has to be hard for him, be nice. And to answer your question, Prongs, yes, we are. We're…together."

"Oh."

"Look, I know how it looks, but it's not like that," Remus explained. "I mean this isn't just a…a rebound sort of thing, and it's not just about the sex." James blanched and Remus fought to keep from smiling. "Sorry, but…well I love him. I think I always have, I just…never really admitted it to myself, because I never thought that Sirius felt the same. And then with…Michael…" He trailed off into silence, frowning slightly.

James looked at his best friend. "And do you?' he asked.

Sirius sighed and nodded. "I do. I love the silly pouf. And you know I would never hurt him James. If Remus didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be so involved. I wouldn't make him feel obligated to be with me or anything."

James let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding. "Oh," he said again. "Well that's…er…good I guess. I just…" He looked imploringly between the werewolf and Animagus. "I mean, I don't… This is all…"

"We know," Sirius said.

"Yeah…" Another silence swelled around them, the sort of billowing, smothering silence that follows such declarations and heartfelt conversations. "Well then we should celebrate," he said at last. His relief was tangible as Sirius grinned, finally sitting up and slinging an arm around Remus' shoulders.

"Prongs, that is the first normal thing you've said since you walked in the door. I was starting to worry if Lily had taken some Polyjuice Potion to turn into you or something." The messy-haired man smiled as the teasing comment restored the casual, carefree aura that the friends normally shared.

"Shall we go out then? Take in a few rounds in Hogsmeade or something?"

Sirius looked to his lover, who rolled his eyes, but nodded. "I'm not dealing with you two if you get pissed beyond recognition, though," he qualified, and the Animagi chuckled.

"You know you love my drunken shagging skills, Mooney," Sirius murmured, nuzzling Remus' neck. James made a face.

"And that is my cue to leave. I'll just go tell Lily that everything's kosher, and we can head out, alright?" After a round of nods, James exited and Remus smiled at Sirius.

"Well, that went better than I expected." Sirius 'hmm'ed. "What?"

"Well, I would have preferred it if he'd walked in on us making love or something, but I suppose this way is for the best." He smiled and Remus rolled his eyes skyward once again.

"Git. Come on, let's get dressed."

Sirius looked pointedly at his body. "I am dressed."

"Yes, but I if I know you, you'll want to look stunning for the public debut of your new boyfriend."

"Is that what you are?"

"Is it?" Remus asked, biting his lip hesitantly. The expression was so heartbreaking that Sirius gathered him close.

"No. Not boyfriend." Remus stiffened in his embrace and made to pull away, but Sirius held him closer. "You're much more to me than that Moonshine. And you're right, as usual. My hair is an absolute _abomination_. I can't be seen in public like this."

Remus grinned beatifically and mussed his lover's hair, laughing as Sirius squawked and dove out of reach, before getting up and walking to the chest of drawers. "Hurry up and fix your hair, then you can help me pick out something to wear."

"Aye, aye cap'n!" And with a kiss, Sirius dashed toward the bathroom to make himself gorgeous.

XXX

"Are you sure? I can still go with you y'know," Sirius asked for the seventy-eighth time, biting his lower lip contemplatively and looking the epitome of anxiety. Remus sighed and forced a smile for his lover, pulling him by the hand into the kitchen off of James and Lily's hallway.

"Sirius," he murmured, holding the patricianly handsome face reverently in his hands, thumbs brushing the tops of cheekbones that would have made Boticelli cream in his pants. "For the _last time_ things will be – _I _will be – fine."

The Animagus sighed, and pulled Remus closer, leaning in then pausing, still hesitant despite everything, before kissing the other man gently. "I know, I know. I just…I worry, Remus, you know that."

Remus chuckled softly. "I know Pads, and it's adorable…to a point. But I give you my word that everything will go perfectly. I'll be back before you can miss me."

The charcoal haired man pouted. "But I miss you already," he whined.

"Sirius…"

"Fine! Fine… Just…hurry back, will you?" Remus rolled his eyes at the other man's fretting, but conceded, and nodded that he would. After one last, lingering kiss, Remus pulled away, moving back into the hall and waved to James and Lily (who looked suspiciously like they had been listening in). Breathing a silent sigh, he swirled the Invisibility Cloak around himself and in a sweep of lush fabric and disappeared from sight. "Good luck, Remus," said Lily softly, as he opened the door. He nodded and exited before realizing they could no longer see him nodding.

He spun into nothingness, mind focusing on the task at hand. It was almost foolish the amount of planning that had gone into his mission, but then again, he knew that his friends were slightly more than overprotective when it came to his well being. This thought made him smile as he crossed the street, darting between two cars parked beside the sidewalk.

The mission (Remus was loath to use the word) was simple, as missions go, and was mostly free of any sort of possible complications, but he gripped his wand tightly nonetheless as he pushed open the front door to the building quietly. A simple tap of his wand unlocked the door more efficiently than any key, and he was inside. Slipping the Invisibility Cloak off, he walked with easy familiarity up the concrete stairs, his shoes scuffing quietly, his heart relaxed.

Remus wasn't at all nervous about this task, and that surprised him. There was, of course, the slight clenching of his stomach that he knew stemmed more from returning to the scene of so many bad memories than fear, but his heart beat steadily behind his ribs, and his palms were dry. It was eerie, the fact that his surroundings were still exactly the same as the last time he'd seen them when he had changed so much, but he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and quickened his pace.

Another tap of his wand on the knob of the last door on the left and he was in. He looked about and his breath caught in his throat. It was the same, horrifyingly, astonishingly the same, and yet completely different simultaneously. Where once the counter tops had shone with cleanliness, they were now caked with grime and Merlin only knew what else. The pots that had hung, gleaming and silvery, from the rack were now dull and stacked haphazardly in the sink, and Remus' delicate nose caught a whiff of what was surely mould growing inside them.

The carpet was thick with dust and dirt tracked through it, and the kitchen floor looked positively greasy, making the cheap linoleum look even cheaper. Fighting the urge to start cleaning the place he had once thought grudgingly of as home, Remus directed his feet toward the bedroom, skirting the various pieces of clothing and empty beer bottles.

And then he stopped short in the doorway, not even daring to breath. Every muscle in his body froze, coiled, ready to spring into movement as his eyes bored into the familiar shape beneath grubby, stained white sheets. He didn't take in the overflowing ashtray that spewed ash onto the carpet from its perch on the bedside table or the dirty clothing that littered the room, draped listlessly over any and every surface. He couldn't see the drunken angle of the curtain rod, hanging precariously across the window, bare of its curtains or the glittering fragments of broken picture frames that once contained prints and photos he himself had chosen lying higgledy-piggledy across the floor. No, Remus had eyes only for the motionless body spread over the mattress, covered in dirty sheet.

His heart, which had stuttered and faltered at the first sight of the blond curls peeking out at him from the swirls of bedclothes, burst back into life, thrumming double time in his chest and making him woozy. He clutched the doorframe in nerveless fingers, drawing quick gasping breaths as panic and hysteria threatened the sovereign sanity of his mind.

'_No_,' he told himself firmly. '_No. You came here for a reason, and you will not let him stop you. Not anymore. Not again._' But then there was that sly voice in the tiniest part of his mind that Michael still held sway in, and it spoke his deepest set desire. '_Or you could run… You know you want to. Just run, and let everyone know how much of a fucking coward you are Lupin_.'

He shook his head, trying to clear it. It was stupid, utterly preposterous for him to run. He had his wand, and he had his Gryffindor courage. He _could_ do this. Besides, _his_ things were still here, and he had every right to come and get them, ex-boyfriend be damned.

And that was the heart of his elaborately planned 'mission' (which he still thought sounded far too official for the actual task at hand). He was to come to his old apartment, and retrieve the few personal belongings he needed and wanted, while his abusive ex was away at work. Only now Remus realized Michael _wasn't_ at work – obviously. He bit his lip in indecision, one half of him begging, pleading for him to turn tail and run, to save himself, to stop being such a fucking idiot and get the fuck out, because if Michael woke up, he'd be a goner. But the other half of him, the half that had surely gotten him sorted into Gryffindor and not some other House, bristled at this idea. Running was for the scared, the weak…he wasn't those things, not anymore.

As the seconds ticked by, Remus' breathing rapidly slowed, he found his eyes could peel themselves away from the rhythmic rise and fall of Michel's torso. Clearly he was still deeply asleep…it would surely be a wasted effort if he just left now, without even claiming _one_ of his lost possessions. Nodding to himself, he started forward a step, cautiously, silently, his heart beating too loud in his ears all the while.

He decided it would be prudent to search the bedroom first, and called up the mental list of items he had compiled while James and Sirius had worried ceaselessly over minute details like whether a standard _Alohamora_ would unlock the door with too loud a click. First and foremost on that list were his photos. Photos of his parents, and from his time at school, pictures he had been forced to put away because they were wizarding photographs, and Michael didn't like to see them because they were weird and unnatural. He moved swiftly and silently toward the closet, turning the handle and opening the door with naught but the soft swish of moving air.

Crouching down, he cast a look over his shoulder, the product of a life lived in constant fear, but saw that Michael hadn't moved, and still breathed deep and evenly. Swallowing back the fear that threatened to bubble over, he went back to his searching, finally locating the stack of his pictures underneath used towels that had been there for Merlin only knew how long, and dirty underwear. He thumbed through the photos, some still in the frames, some floating frameless in between, and, confident he had them all, waved his wand to shrink them before stuffing them hurriedly in his pocket.

Remus was almost relaxed as he wandered around the rest of the flat, ticking off items in his mental catalogue as he shrank them and added them to the collection in his pockets. He was almost finished, and feeling entirely proud of himself for not running off with his tail between his legs like some kind of cowardly dog that had been kicked one too many times. He even smiled a little as he strode confidently to the hearth to collect the last item on his list, the little jar of Floo powder that was coated in a generous layer of dust but still glittered invitingly.

Stepping back, he held the clear glass container up to the light, wiping dust from the sides as he did so, in an attempt to gauge how many uses were left, and stepped right onto a beer bottle resting peaceably on its side. His arms threw themselves out from his body automatically, sending the little jar of Floo powder and its contents flying from his dusty grip. The musical sound of it shattering against the side of the fireplace stopped Remus' heart and he froze on instinct, immediately toppling over, and falling hard onto the floor.

His breath whooshed from his lungs with a soft, grunting sigh he couldn't control, while his body collided rather louder than he would have thought with the floor in the deafening silence. For two long heartbeats, there was nothing, then Remus heard the sound he had feared since stopping at the threshold to his old bedroom and one-time sanctuary. If he thought he had been frozen before, it was nothing to how he was now. He was sure his heart had stopped beating; that the blood flowing through his veins had turned to solid ice and even the synapses in his brain ceased firing.

A creaking of mattress springs, bunching and coiling before releasing, and the soft thud of footsteps in an all too familiar pattern approaching. He tried to gasp, tried valiantly to draw oxygen rich air into his burning, aching lungs, but the air wouldn't come. Fear, the same fear that had almost over taken him as he stood in the doorway to Michael's bedroom and watched his ex sleep, now flooded his brain and body, leaking out into every limb and fibre of his being.

Michael was rubbing at his left eye with his knuckle, like a sleepy child, but he froze as he took in Remus sprawled in the living room floor, Floo powder ad shards of broken glass scattered around him artistically. And then he did something Remus had woken, sweating and biting back a scream, from nightmares imagining. His lips curved upward into a cruel, gloating smile.

The lycanthrope's vision swam before him and he tried to hang onto consciousness, finally forcing his lungs to expand and gratefully sucking in a deep, rattling gasp of oxygen. He tried to push himself into a sitting position, but his hands slid in the gritty Floor powder, and the sharp gleaming edge of a chunk of glass sliced deeply into his palm.

"I always knew you'd be back," Michael verily purred, stalking closer like a lithe jungle cat closing in on its wounded prey. "And look…here you are."

Remus tried to sit up again and managed it this time, cradling his bloody hand to his chest, the viscous fluid soaking into the fabric of his shirt, staining it like some sort of macabre Muggle Halloween costume. "Stay away from me." The words were meant to come out strong and unafraid, but instead they were a half-hearted croak, belying his fear as easily as if he'd burst into tears or something equally as outrageous.

"Don't be like that," Michael crooned. And then he was towering over Remus, who tried to scrabble backward, the cut in his hand sending hot sharp stabs of pain up through his arm as the magical powder mingled with his blood. One hand shot out, faster than Remus could have thought possible, and pulled him upright by the collar. "You're still the same, you little shit. Still just a scared little freak, trying to be tough."

Biting his tongue against the angry insults he wanted to hurl at Michael, because he realized in the back of his mind that anything he said now would only dig him deeper than he already was and the best chance at getting out of this would be to go along obediently with whatever Michael wanted. Instead he focused the force of his rage into relaxing his tightly coiled muscles, forcing himself to go limp. "What do you want?" he asked dully.

"I could be asking you the same thing, freak. What the hell are you doing here in my fucking apartment? Did Black finally tire of you, and you decided to come crawling back? I told him, y'know, that you weren't even that good of a fuck…looks like he finally came to his senses." Another grin stretched Michael's chapped lips, and the stench of stale beer wafted into Remus' face. He had to swallow and gasp a breath through his mouth to keep from gagging in fear and disgust.

"I came to get my things," he said, still trying to maintain the dull, disinterested tone in his voice like he regarded the blond man whose fingers were still curled possessively into the collar of his bloody shirt as nothing more frightening than a snapping turtle stranded on it's back. "Things I should have brought with me when I left you."

The smile slipped from Michael's features and it turned into the cold cruel mask Remus had come to loathe more than the irresistible bloodlust of the full moon. And unfortunately for him, the full moon had waxed and waned already, and the wolf lay quiescent within him. Remus tried to control himself, tried to rein it in, but the shudder rippled through him regardless of his wishes. It was a shudder of pure emotion, thick and undiluted; a shudder of memories flickered across his vision; a shudder of pure, unadulterated terror. He was overtly aware that Michael was in control of the situation, that Michael decided his fate now. He swallowed noisily as the snide, condescending voice inside his head hissed viciously, '_Are you happy now_?'

He didn't hear the blond man speaking, or his roar of displeasure at Remus' silence. He didn't feel the backhanded slap knocking his head violently to the side, or the painful re-acquaintance with the hard living room floor with its slew of biting shard of glass. Because in his mind's eye, Remus Lupin was focused on the burning grey eyes Sirius fixed on him as he whispered his name in that throaty, sexy-as-all-fuck, urging him to climax; the soft curve of his Animagus lover's lips that brought a smile to his own lips in return. He was feeling the heavy, comforting weight of Sirius' arm draped around him as they slipped into the deep pool of sleep; the gentle brush of lips over his ear as the black-haired man whispered "good morning", or "good night", or "I want to shag you senseless".

He looked up at Michael without seeing him, seeing only Sirius' face. Yes, he was happy now. Even if Michael succeeded in ending his life, as he highly suspected he would try to do; even if the blond bastard shattered his spirit like he had made a valiant attempt at before, Remus was happy. Because Remus had found the greatest thing he would ever learn…just to love, and be loved in return. Yes. He was happy.

He smiled as Michael dragged him once more to his feet, only frowning slightly when he heard the collar of his shirt tear. And then the shining second where Sirius formed a cataract over his vision faded, and he saw the inhuman rage carving Michael's face into a parody of an expression. "You want to ignore me?" he hissed, pulling Remus closer. Every throb of his heartbeat sent more of the shining red lifeblood from his body, and stains erupted darkly on his pants and the back of his shirt now; blood streaked down his arm from yet more wounds inflicted by the remnants of the Floo powder's dusty container.

"Please, no…" he whispered brokenly.

Michael disregarded him. "Let's see you ignore this you insignificant fucking little whore." The sound of a zipper grating downward sent Remus' heart into double time, and his throat went dry.

'_No…no, no, no, no… Please, God, Merlin, no…_' he begged silently. Michael's emotionless smile returned and he pulled Remus brutally and inexorably toward the bedroom.

"I'll show you just what happens to a misbehaving bitch like you."

XXX

**Author's Note: **please don't injure me!! I'm just following the storyline people; it's not my fault! Sirius-ly!! Blame Fate! Anyhoozer, erm, I know it makes me seem like a total bitch, but… *glances longingly at the review link* LOL, c'mon, y'know ya want to! 'It is breakin' me down, no more friends around, and my dreams fall down…is anybody out there?' Cheers!!


	9. Chapter 9 double warning!

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note: **SECOND WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER: strong references of unwanted sexual contact. If this squicks you, please STOP READING at the ** asterisk portion (though feel free to continue after the second set of ** asterisks). If you read it and don't like it, it's not my fault, so don't complain to me. It's not going to be horrifically graphic (because I don't think I could write it like that) but it's going to be written nonetheless, and it will be disturbing. Now, onto our regular programming! This is definitely the second last chapter minus the epilogue…I think. Ehh, either way… Reviews please? 'When we sway I go weak…' Cheers!

PS. – special thanks to the bands Cauterize and Mindless Self Indulgence, for making great music that inspired me to write. LOL XD Oh and if anyone wants some good listening, I suggest 'Slivers'& 'Porcelain' and 'Shut Me Up' & 'Tight' ;D

PPS. – Hugs to I'm Just Drawn This Way (1/2 of Wordnerds2008 – check out the fics!) for all her helping at the sticky parts! *snuggles*

XXX

"_I'll show you just what happens to a misbehaving bitch like you."_

Remus tried to swallow in an attempt to lubricate his bone-dry throat, but it was like an _Impervius_ had been cast against the flesh. He tried to speak, but no words could come out; his jaw couldn't form them and his lungs couldn't sustain the breath it took to speak them. And still, Michael towed him like a complacent lamb to the slaughter.

It was at the doorway to the bedroom that he balked. He tried to throw his weight backward, two wrench himself free of Michael's unbreakable hold, but all he succeeded in doing was possibly getting whiplash and gaining the blond's full attention. "What's the matter, darling?" he murmured in a sick, frightening emulation of the voice he used to use when he tried to woo the lycanthrope. "We both know this is what you're after you fucking whore. Don't pretend you don't fucking want it."

Remus tried to pull back again, but then both of Michael's hands were wrapped around the tops of his arms. Panic overtook fear as the survival instinct flared brilliantly through him. Fight or flight. He couldn't run, not with those hands like steel bands around him, holding him to the muscled body. Then it came back to him. He was a _wizard. _A wizard in possession of the wand that had chosen him a decade ago at that…

Michael pulled away slightly, no longer trying to crush Remus' body to him in angry, possession. "What are you smiling for?" he growled. The amber-eyed man's grin merely grew, and Michael's gaze dropped just in time to see the hand wiggling into the pocket of Remus' robes and he had barely articulated the word "FUCK!" before Remus had his wand drawn and stabbing harshly into Michael's chest.

"Let me go," he said softly, trying to force his voice to sound brave and fearless. Instead it was rough, and cracked slightly on the last word. Michael sneered.

"Just like you, Remus, to use your fucking hocus pocus shit instead of fighting me like a real man. I should have snapped that twig in half when I had the bloody buggering chance." He spat the words out, as if they tasted rancid in his mouth, and Remus swallowed. "Besides…I know you can't use magic on me, you little fuck. Unless you want to end up in prison." He laughed, actually fucking _laughed_, and Remus felt incoherent rage bubble up, even as he strove to shove it down and keep his head. He needed to _think_ to get out of here. But With Michael still gripping his arms, he knew he couldn't simply Disapparate.

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time, to come and retrieve the magical artifacts he had left in his hurry to abandon this one-time home. But it was stupid, incredibly stupid, and arrogant, to think that there wouldn't be consequences. Who the hell did he think he was? And was it really so much to expect that Michael, who he should have known would be home, would just let him _walk away_? No… No, he had been the biggest caliber of fool to think that…

His wand wavered slightly, as his mind raced around in accusatory circles, debating what he could do, should do, and_ would_ do to get the hell out of this situation. Michael was right, he, being a werewolf, would be sent straight to Azkaban if he used magic upon a Muggle. And even if he were given the courtesy of a 'trial', there was no doubts in him that he would be found unanimously guilty, even if Dumbledore and his connections worked some kind of magic.

His thoughts consumed him as they raced around his brain, making him dizzy. Or perhaps that was the effect of the blood loss… Who knew anymore?

Remus didn't feel the fingers loosening around his left bicep. He didn't see the flash of movement until it was too late. He was barely even aware of the wand leaving his fingers. All he heard was the ear-splitting, heart-stopping sound of his wand, the one defence he'd relied on, that had kept him sane, splitting like a piece of useless kindling.

The core held the dangling pieces together, barely, but even those disintegrated as Michael threw the now-useless wood to the ground and stomped hard on them. His heel splintered the wand further, crushing the unicorn hair core and grinding it to a frayed mess. He could only stare in shock, feeling as though a part of him had died; a vitally important part, like the part that controlled his heartbeats, or breathing.

**

And then his body was slammed hard against the doorframe joining the living room and bedroom, his head cracking ominously as his lifeless form jolted and sagged. He was on autopilot, in a coma…nothing was real to him anymore. The blond's lips were hot and demanding, brash and uncaring over his, and really, where was the use in fighting back anymore? He'd fought, and fought, and look where it had gotten him.

The sharp blow of a closed fist sent a wave of blinding pain through him, but he forced it away. He knew it was only the first of many pains yet to come, and as Michael dragged him by a handful of sandy hair, he tried to think of Sirius, his love, to shield him from the pain.

But Sirius' face wouldn't come. The grey eyes, the elegant drape of hair, the aristocratic nose and plush lips; all evaded him. He turned frightened eyes to Michael, who loomed over him, face set into a demon's leer as his clothing rustled to the ground, and wished, in that moment, that he could just die.

Michael climbed onto the bed, hastily ripping his shirt open, shoving he lycanthrope's hands purposefully away as he tried ineffectually to cover himself. "Stop," he whimpered, in a voice so quiet he didn't doubt that Michael's harsh breathing could have drowned it out.

"I'm going to teach you," Michael hissed, "what happens when you piss me off. I'm going to show you, like I should have done a long ass fucking time ago, just what the consequences are of making me angry." His strong hands pinned Remus down, one of them wrapping threateningly around his throat, while the other relieved him of his belt and trousers.

White-hot tears poured from Remus' closed eyes and he forced himself to ignore the rough, brazen touches Michael's digits layered over his flesh. He wouldn't allow his body to respond to the heated hands, even as images of the few, far-between good times he and Michael shared fluttered from their cages into his mind, the pain of remembering like the hot scalding of bile in the back of his throat.

"You like this?" Michael rasped, dragging cruel fingernails over sensitive skin, and Remus tried to curl away, to protect himself instinctively. Michael grinned, even as his fist came down and smashed against the lycanthrope's skull, blurring his vision. "I know you want this, probably even more than I do… And fuck, do I _ever_ want it."

The rustle of cloth against skin was too loud as Remus' head throbbed angrily, and before he registered movement, his face was pressed into the dirty sheets stretched haphazardly, half-assed, across the mattress. It was no use to fight it. It was pointless to even try. And as the malicious ache between his temples spiked and roiled, as though his brain were boiling and his synapses melting, Remus gave up. What use had fighting ever done anyway, except earned him more pain?

All his life, he had fought against the inevitable. After he'd been bitten, he'd forced himself to disbelieve the changes he could _feel_ within himself. He had fought the wolf, tooth and nail, that first transition, and for the countless others that had followed before Hogwarts had accepted him, and the wolf, in retaliation, had pushed right back. Once his wild side broke free of the physical and mental constraints Remus imposed upon him, he would tear the boy poor boy to pieces, and leave the battered broken mess for Remus to tend to.

And then later, when he had gotten the first trickle of intuition into himself, that maybe he wasn't even as normal as he pretended to be, he'd forcibly tried to confine his mind and body from what it wanted. He couldn't accept being gay. It was like learning he was a werewolf – a freak of nature, a monster, disgusting – all over again. And then Fate, that cruel bitch, had sent his best mate to tempt him, and resistance had been futile. Although that turned out better than he ever could have thought it might in the long run, it had been long months before he could even think the phrase 'I'm gay. I'm a gay werewolf' without cringing.

And Michael. He had fought and rebelled at first, and believed that he belonged in Gryffindor with the brave and true. But it was only time before the payback came, hard and merciless, in the form of sharp, deliberate blows and harsh, cutting words.

All his life, Remus had fought and fought and fought, and never, ever had it amounted to anything. He was still a werewolf, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise. He would always be gayer than a handbag full of rainbows despite how many boobs he tried to ogle. And Michael would always hurt him, no matter what he did to try and stop it…

A hoarse cry was forced from Remus' throat as he came to, not knowing if he had blacked out from sheer force of will or the blow he'd received to the head. His limbs felt weak and heavy, and even turning his head to the side, to try and gasp a rattling breath in, hurt. Hands, hard and possessive, gripped his naked flesh, and he instinctively wanted to attack, to free himself from those bonds. And then he felt a sharp, painful, burning pain, and his body levered up, thrusting in a last dint effort to be free of the man who pushed him roughly back down, fingers smearing trails of half-dried blood across the lattice work of scars on Remus' back and arms.

The lycanthrope's mind shuddered and balked against the pain before he gagged, feeling the grotesquely pleasurable stretch of being filled. He fought the nausea, fought it like he'd never fought anything more, but the battle was lost, and his stomach clenched and roiled as it tried to force it's contents out the wrong way. Nothing came up, and Remus dry heaved into the filthy sheets, even as Michael continued thrusting.

Closing his eyes, Remus longed to be able to cover his ears as well. But his hands were pinned in an iron grip over his head, and he was forced to listen to the cacophony of sounds that swelled from the invasion against him. The bed creaked and groaned as his blond torturer used his feet for leverage, and the headboard tapped ominously against the wall. His own heart thudded dully in his chest, weaving a complicated melody with the panting gasps of Michael's breathing, and Remus felt a sudden vicious wish that the sonofabitch would die of a fucking heart attack. And, worst of all, was the sound of flesh grinding and slapping against flesh as Michael fucked him deliberately, purposefully, like he was nothing more than a cheap, common whore. Remus swallowed against the tears once more. He _felt_ like a whore.

It wasn't long before Michael finished, crying out and gripping Remus harder as he spurted his completion into his unresponsive partner. The lycan had to battle against the nauseous-ness that rolled over him again, even as he wished he could die and humiliation burned red and fierce in his cheeks.

With a grunt, Michael withdrew painfully, and flopped next to him on the mattress, huffing and puffing. "Enjoy that?" he asked suggestively, laughing as Remus flinched. "I know you did you fucked up little slut." He yawned deliberately. "I think I'm going to catch a few z's…you're more than welcome to stay if you'd like." Remus couldn't reply, even as he watched the blond man's eyelids flutter shut. Exhaustion flared up inside him, pure, heavy, sickly-sweet exhaustion, that weighed his whole body down and threatened to drown him, but, as he always did, he waged war against the dreamy allure of sleep.

**

He stood up and stumbled almost drunkenly to where his clothes had been abandoned, and pulled them on without thinking. His eyes scanned the floor until they fell upon his broken, mangled wand, and he walked as silently as a shadow toward it. He could already hear the chainsaw-esque snores that signaled Michael was asleep, and he crouched with a grimace of pain, cradling the fragments of his wand in his hands.

Sighing, Remus stood, wincing again as he straightened, and the heavy veil of his tiredness swam before his gaze. He had to get away, once and for all. He wouldn't – _couldn't_ – come back here again. It was pure arrogance to do so in the first place. But if there was one thing Remus Lupin was good at, it was certainly Learning From His Mistakes.

Tucking the bits of wood into his pocket, he moved to scoop up the shrunken objects that had tumbled from his pockets when he'd initially drawn his wand in defence. His body ached in strange places and his mouth was dry. Remus felt hungry, but knew that if he even tried to eat, at least while the walls currently surrounding him watched him unseeing like they always did, it would just come right back up. There was still the acrid, burning taste of bile stinging the back of his tongue, and he swallowed dryly.

He wanted home, and safety, and (most of all) warm, comforting arms to hold him. But he didn't have a home – not really. And what was the use in safety once you'd already been completely defiled? And, most of all, what use were warm comforting arms to hold you when your heart was still a frozen chunk of ice.

Sighing once more, he walked with heavy, tired feet back to the front door, when a last ray of evening sunlight, peeking through the kitchen curtains, glittered on something silver and shining. It drew his interest, despite the dark fug of depression he could feel settling around his brain, and his legs carried him toward the flash and gleam of sunlight on metal before he realized it.

His fingers traced over the blade of the knife, hanging halfway out of its block, several of its fellows missing, undoubtedly at the bottom of the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and then his hand wrapped around the hilt, pulling it slowly from its place. Of their own accord, his eyes darted toward the bedroom, where he could still hear the faint echoes of Michael's snoring, and then back to the faint gleam of sunlight dancing over cold, sharpened stainless steel.

Unbidden, the thought slithered into his mind. He could… And no one would know… He didn't exist in the Muggle world. Would anyone come looking? Surely not; Michael's particular brand of 'friends' weren't the type to expend energy to question his disappearance. He could do it… He could walk calmly back into the bedroom, plunge the shiny, deadly sharp blade into his ex-boyfriend's chest, and no one would ever suspect him.

But _could_ he? Did he have the balls to do it? Would his noble heart be able to bear the thought of so much blood on his hands? Even if the blood belonged to a man he despised, a man who he wished would die a thousand times over, he wasn't sure. He didn't know if he could take Fate into his own hands and do it. End the blond's life.

'_Do it,_' hissed a voice in his head. '_He deserves it…you know he does… Just do it. No one has to know but you._' But that was the thing. _He_ would know what he'd done…

His hand tightened on the hilt of the knife, knuckles turning white. He was a Gryffindor… He was brave, and daring. He could do it, certainly he could. But _would_ he? His gaze slid back to the bedroom door, standing open, the soft snuffling sounds of deep sleep wafting to his ears. He took one measured step and breathed heavily, before his foot slid out and he took another step.

His breath came easy and untroubled; his heart was calm and relaxed, beating leisurely through his body, pulsing with life. His weariness lifted slightly with the next step, and he actually smiled a little, his feet carrying him to the open doorway, his shadow lying across Michael's gaping mouth and his limbs tangled recklessly in the sheets.

Once more, Remus' eyes darted down to the knife, and his smile widened into a macabre grin. Yes, he could do this. Now it was time to see if he _would_…

XXX

Sirius paced nervously, his right thumbnail firmly ensconced between his pearly white teeth, being steadily worried away. "Where is he?" he demanded of no one and everyone. "He should have been back by now! I knew this was a stupid idea, I knew it, I told him not to go… Fucking Merlin, what were we thinking, so much could have gone wrong, fucking Godric only knows what's happened to him now… Where _is_ he?"

James Potter, who had been listening to his best mate's rambling for a good half hour, rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Sirius, for the last bloody time, just _sit and relax_ for five minutes, or you're going to wear a hole through the carpet and Lily will murder me." Sirius sighed hugely, but flopped obediently enough into a comfortable armchair. "He's probably just misplaced some of his things and had to go looking for them, I'm sure everything is fine."

Sirius' thumbnail found its way back into his mouth and once more, he gnawed anxiously. "But what if… I mean, the bastard could come home early, or have called in sick or Merlin only bloody well _knows_ what! Are you sure we shouldn't go check on him?"

James was torn. On the one hand, the desire to shove proof in Sirius' face that his boyfriend was fine, really and truly and in every sense of the word, raged through him, but he was a sensible enough fellow to know that Remus wouldn't take nicely to the thought that he had to checked up on.

He sighed and rubbed a temple, wishing Lily was anywhere but out wedding planning with Mary Mcdonald just then. She would have calmed Sirius down with a few words, and they could have had some tea or a Butterbeer or two and pass the time easily while they awaited Remus' return. But alas, he was stuck trying to find the right things to say to calm his best mate down. It really wasn't his forte, and he felt helpless.

The messy-haired young man tried to think of what Lily would say were she here. "Do you think Remus would want you to do that?" There…that seemed relatively reasonable and Lily-like.

"He would if he was in trouble," Sirius said, doubtfully. He whined slightly and stood up. "I can't just sit here," he said, starting to pace again. James rolled his eyes.

"Then just go bloody check on him!"

"But if everything's fine, like you keep telling me…" Sirius pouted, looking confused. His best mate threw up his arms in defeat.

"You're going to drive me fucking bat shit, Padfoot. Let's just go and make sure everything's alright, then, shall we?"

Sirius was then pushing him back down into his chair. "No, no," he almost shouted, waving his arms in front of the other Animagus. "No… I'm just… I think I need to go brood. If – _when_ – Remus shows up, will you tell him I went back to the flat?"

"Sure thing Paddy. I'm sure it's all fine."

"Thanks James. See you." And he swirled into nothingness with the usual loud CRACK of Disapparation.

XXX

Sirius materialized in the dank alleyway behind his apartment building and sighed, scrubbing his face roughly with both hands. James was right; he was just being mental… He had always been a little manic when it came to Remus and his well-being, and now was no different.

He made a little detour into the kitchen after undoing the wards around his front door, deciding that he should eat; despite the fact his stomach was clenching and twisting from anxiety. Humming and trying to keep out the horrendous images that flickered and flashed through his mind's eye at what might have befallen his lupine lover, he made himself a sandwich and poured himself a tall glass of milk to go with it. He then wandered back toward his bedroom. His eyes were scratchy-feeling and surely bloodshot; he had slept poorly the night before, even with Remus safely wrapped in his embrace he had worried.

'_See, you're overreacting again. You were being a worrywart last night too. He's _fine.' Sirius shook his head, trying to cast off the patronizing voice that often contradicted his actions or thoughts. He toed open his bedroom door, trying to balance his plated sandwich and the glass of milk. And then he looked up and both slipped from his suddenly limp grasp, shattering on the floor and spraying milk hitting his trousers and bologna flopping lifelessly with a slap to the hardwood.

"Remus?" he whispered, eyes meeting the hazy, unfocused amber eyes that sought out the sound that ripped him from the lush, glorious sleep.

The lycan flinched backward and Sirius' brow furrowed before his mouth gaped. Remus was lying in his pristine, bed, a blood-spattered shirt hanging stiff and listless from his shoulders. Sirius was by his side in a flash.

"Remus, what the bloody hell happened?" he demanded gently, reaching out for his lover even as he slid into bed next to him. Remus whimpered and flinched away again (tugging threateningly at Sirius' heart strings in the process), before he steadied himself and curled into a ball, knees against his chest.

The honey-haired man's eyes were red from crying and his face was ashen. Sirius reached out again, feeling bolstered when Remus didn't try to pull away this time (even unconsciously), but the feeling turned cold, as the love of his life whispered harshly "Don't touch me."

"Mooney?" the Animagus asked weakly. "Why… What happened? Oh my Godric, why is your shirt covered in blood, and what are you doing here, and…and oh, Remus, what happened?" It was painful, but he somehow managed to refrain from touching the lycanthrope, instead knotting his fingers together tightly and biting the inside of his lip.

Remus swallowed and peered out of cautious eyes at Sirius, relaxing slightly when he saw only concern and love shining back at him in those grey orbs. He didn't know what he had expected. Inhuman rage like the kind he saw in Michael's gaze every time he closed his eyes? Disgusted revulsion? No…none of those things yet, because Sirius was still mostly in the dark about what had happened.

He cleared his throat dryly and his gaze fell to the comforter. He couldn't bear to see Sirius' face when he told him what had happened. "The shirt is bloody because… Well I was getting my Floo powder, and then I…tripped, and it fell, and then I…fell onto the pieces." Sirius fingers twitched toward Remus, but he held himself in check.

"Have you healed the wounds? Can I see them? I think I have come blood-replenishing potion around here somewhere… You sit tight Mooney, and I'll just go g-"

"Sirius. I'm fine for now. Just… I just I have to get this all out," Remus interrupted, still staring at the bedclothes. A silence stretched between them, and if Sirius couldn't put his hands on his lover, couldn't feel him and make sure for himself that he was real and alive and well, then he certainly couldn't keep silent.

"Remus, are you sure you're okay? What happened? I mean you don't have to tell me – not if you don't want. But look at you! You're all covered in blood, and you were supposed to come back to James and Lily's place and… And it was supposed to be so quick and easy! Sneak in, get your stuff and sneak out! What happened? Are you in pain? Tell me where it hurts… Oh stupid me, it probably hurts everywhere. Remus, please, are you all right? I just… Oh Moonshine, I really think you should let me see your cuts, broken glass can't be good, and I don't think it's good to have bits of Floo powder in you either – did you clean the cuts yet? I don't want you to get an infection or something." The words tumbled out, fast and unedited, as his brain darted back and forth and tried to fill the gaping void of Remus' silence.

"Sirius!" he finally shouted, shocking them both. Sirius fell silent after a quickly murmured apology, and looked at him with doleful eyes, the mental chatter scrolling plainly across his face as various avenues opened to him that he hadn't yet explored, each more horrifying than the last. Had the lycan been jumped on his way back? No, he would have Apparated. Could Floo powder cause infections? What had _happened_? Remus took a deep breath and tried to summon his non-existent Gryffindor courage. "I… Michael was there," he whispered.

Sirius expression was instantly stony. "What?" he asked in a flat emotionless voice that was far too familiar to be any comfort. He chanced a glance up and winced at his lover's expression. Sucking in another breath, he reached out and took Sirius' hand. The Animagus looked like he wanted nothing more than to jump up that very second, find Michael, and turn him into a seashell so he could hear the satisfying crunch he would make under his boot when he squashed the bejesus out of him.

So Remus let his breath out in a gusty whoosh, and placed a tentative hand over Sirius'. Part of him rebelled against the touch, and that part grew larger as Sirius turned his hand and interlaced their fingers, but the majority of him took strength from those warm fingers, and he pushed the words out of himself. "And he…he found out I was there."

Sirius, who had been frowning down at Remus' too-cold hand, whipped his head up and met Remus' startled gaze. The words his mind started screaming stuck hard in his throat, painful and cutting, even as an shiver of inkling streaked through him. He hoped against hope that Remus would not tell him what he was thinking, that Remus would assure him the very worst, most wretched thing had not happened, but he doubted it. It was all explained now – Remus' chalky pallor, his cold body, the shock and almost-muteness; and most importantly, his aversion to physical contact.

Taking his surprisingly silent response, Remus ploughed onward, hoping he could do this calmly (at least before he broke into hysterics). The shock had worn off with sleep, courtesy of a few generous pulls from the bottle of Ogden's best in the door of Sirius' Muggle fridge-freezer. "And he broke my wand."

Sirius' face went impossibly harder, and his fingers clenched slightly around his amber-haired counterpart's own digits, but again, he couldn't speak. "And then…" The dam cracked and a tear trailed down Remus' cheek. He was going to lose it…

"Just say it Mooney, anything it is, please. I love you, please…" His tone was gravelly with gallantly controlled emotion.

"When Michael found me…" he choked, before having to pause. He couldn't say the words aloud. Sirius' hand tightened to almost pain (his fingers were too numb, like much of the rest of him, to feel anything) around his own.

"Please?" Sirius whispered, long-lashed lids falling over his intense eyes. When he opened them they blinded the lycan.

"And I think… Please don't hate me," he admitted, eyes falling to the bedspread once more.

Sirius reached out slowly and deliberately, and Remus gasped at the tenderness, barely there, guiding his head back around.

"Remus you gorgeously silly man… How could I ever hate you? I love you way too fucking much for that to ever be possible."

Remus sucked in a breath. "He…r… Michael raped me."

XXX

**Author's Note: ***dodges sporks and other sharp implements* SO NOT MY FAULT! This is what happened, and so it must be told… I promise though it will end happy! Really!! And even though I'm horrid to ask… Review? Maybe? :D 'May I have this dance, before the moment's past, I hate this song, but I hope that it lasts, I'll sing in your ear, off tune, out of key, you're just not happy being miserable with me' Cheers!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Never Again**

**DISCLAIMER**: I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence, and/or language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**WARNING**: WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male) and MATURE THEMES (sex, swearing, violence, etc) and AU-ness!! Ye be warned; seriously, this is VERY mature people. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

**Author's Note**: Wow, so I was totally expecting threats of bodily harm and severe sporkings, but it was a most pleasant surprise to find that I didn't scare off too many of you, and to hear all your lovely compliments! *ego inflates dangerously* Anyhooters, onward with the story now that we're over the messy parts. Now Remus can focus on healing and letting Sirius into his heart. All together now… AWWHH!! XD And to answer many readers' questions, I CAN'T TELL YOU IF MICHAEL DIES OR NOT!! Mostly because I haven't decided yet, and because what kind of story would it be if you knew the ending? ;D So, here we go! I'll try not to let it get too depressive. 'I'd have to check my mirror to see if I'm still here…' Cheers!

PS. – I know I know, it's late, but…well work equals money and money equals happiness, so I'm pretty much just fucked. Apologies, lovelies.

PPS. - It's official that Jesus hates my life... I wrote the last half of this chapter on WordPad because my MS Word is FUBAR. -_-' And I have no idea how to fix it.

XXX

Remus sucked in a breath. "He…r… Michael raped me."

The words seemed to echo in the absolute stillness of Sirius' flat. Not a bird chirped outside, nor did a truck lumber noisily past. It was as if the pair had been rendered completely deaf to naught but the sounds of one another's breathing and the frantic thudding of their heartbeats.

Sirius swallowed, opening his mouth to speak, but only a soft gust of air came out. He didn't know what to say, what to do to make this right. He knew what he wanted to do, which included bashing something sharp and pointy, and preferably nice and heavy and made from metal, into Michael's cranium repeatedly, and then ripping off his fucking dick and making the sonofabitch gag on it, but that was far from what he thought he should do.

Instead, he looked at Remus, his Remus, the man who had stolen his heart and held it for longer than either of them had ever realized, and watched as the tears pooled steadily in his eyes, tingeing the rims pinky-red before spilling soundlessly down chalky pale cheeks. He wanted to hold him, crush the lycan to his chest to reassure him that he was still whole, still human, and most importantly, still loved. But he wasn't stupid enough to think that Remus would want that also. No…not yet any rate.

Instead he let the fingers that still ghosted over a stubbly chin wander, his thumb brushing the quivering lower lip he just wanted to suck on. "Oh Remus," he finally breathed, unable to articulate just what he was feeling right then. It was a strange, uncomfortable mix of pity, anger, sadness and helplessness and the Animagus loathed it even as it settled thick and heavy in his belly.

A silent sob shook Remus' body as he fought to hold onto hysteria, the gentle, tender movements of Sirius digits over his face threatening to unhinge him entirely. And that simply would not do. No. Remus prided himself on being able to remain stoic and calm in even the worst of situations, and he was not about to see that go to Hell in a fucking hand basket. Besides, he had shed enough tears over Michael. He wouldn't do that anymore.

So he gulped past the hard knot in his throat and forced the tears down, wiping angrily at the trails they'd already made down his face. Then the lycan sighed and changed the subject. "Can you heal my cuts for me?" he asked softly, reverting back to the less painful topic of his mangled body. Not waiting for a response, he edged back, out of Sirius' too-gentle touch and began to deftly unbutton his ruined shirt.

Confusion marred the beauty of the Animagus' face and eyes. "Don't you want to…talk about it Remus?" he whispered. "I mean, I know it's hard, but-"

"No. You don't know," Remus replied brusquely. "And no, I don't want to talk about it. What I want is for you to heal my cuts, Sirius."

Sirius sat back, feeling stung. "Why?"

Remus didn't falter in unbuttoning his shirt, even though his hands shook slightly. "Because they might be infected, or still bleeding. Or better yet, just let me borrow your wand and I can do them my-"

"No," the dark-haired man interrupted. "Why don't you want to talk about this? It's not like you, Mooney. You always talk about things…why is this different?"

"Because it won't help! It's not going to help if I keep going over it in my mind, if I tell you every tiny, minute fucking detail. None of it is going to help me. I just want to forget about it, all right? Or is that not good enough for you or something?"

"And what about when you can't forget about it Remus?" Sirius snapped back, unreasonably angry. The tightly controlled rage, sensing a weakness in its bonds, trickled out, tainting his voice with toxicity and malice. "Do you think I want to see it eat you alive from the inside out? These are the kinds of things that you can't just 'forget about'! I don't care if you tell me anything about what happened, I just want you to talk to me!"

Remus' face went impossibly whiter and then he snarled and shoved Sirius hard in the chest. The unsuspecting, and thusly unprepared, Animagus' body fell back and his head caught the corner of the bedpost. His vision swam and the room tilted drunkenly before he blinked and it righted itself…just in time for him to see Remus storming out of his apartment, Sirius' wand firmly in his hand. "Remus, wait!" he croaked, standing against the waves of dizziness that threatening to send him onto his ass. He made to step toward the bedroom door, clutching his nastily throbbing head, but the harsh, final CRACK of Apparition brought him up short. "Fuck!"

XXX

A strong sense of déjà vu washed over James Potter as he opened the door to Remus Lupin, looking far too pale, clad in an unbuttoned, bloodstained shirt, and clutching Sirius' wand. He wondered absently what it was about his friends coming to his door in the velvet indigo of twilight, even as he ushered Remus through the door and settled him into one of the chairs in the sitting room.

Lily poked her head into the hall and her eyes widened as the teacup she'd been holding slipped from her fingers and shattered, spraying the hem of her robe and ankles with scalding tea. She pulled out her wand and fixed the cup without thinking about it, coming closer to Remus and crouching down next to the arm of his chair. "What happened?"

The lycan curled back instinctively, his pride and sense of hopeless helplessness warring within him. On the one hand, he wanted to let the story gathering on the edge of his tongue unfurl, to put it all out in the open and get it out of his head. But at the same time, he wanted to hold it close to himself. It was shameful, and disgusting and he knew that the pity he could see gleaming in the depths of Lily's eyes would only increase tenfold, and that was something he couldn't bear. Not to mention that he would only bring his friends, people he loved and treasured, down into the dark and twisted depths of his own depression if he shared this with them.

He set his mouth in a hard line and shook his head. "Sirius and I…" He trailed off, the stab of pain from saying the name aloud robbing him of speech. "We fought. And he said things… We got angry, and I…I left. Stormed out."

James, who was regarding his friend with slightly narrowed eyes, pursed his lips before speaking. "Why do you have his wand? And why does your shirt look like you just went on a murder spree?" Remus winced at the analogy, but James continued. "And what did you and Sirius fight about?"

"Remus, what happened?" Lily prodded gently, placing a hand on the lycan's arm. Remus' hand curled into a fist, but he managed not to pull away.

"I don't want to talk about it," he whispered, hoping, wishing, praying that they would just leave him alone. His body ached and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in as tiny a ball as possible under a mountain of blankets and never have to move again.

The redhead's expression softened, and she smiled. "Okay, Remus, we won't-" But James interrupted her before she could finish.

"He was there, wasn't he?" James asked, his tone not really requiring the lycanthrope to answer. He nodded anyway, throat too constricted to speak. "And I'm assuming you have Sirius' wand because he took yours."

"Broke it," Remus corrected in a barely audible whisper. He could feel the burn of colourless humiliation radiating over his face and neck and sunk lower into the chair. James had always been able to read him like an open, large-print book. It was one of the things he both loved and hated about the messy-haired man.

James' hazel eyes hardened at this news and he ignored Lily's fiery glare boring into the side of his head. He hated, simply loathed when Remus was silent and moody like this. It was too Sirius, and didn't suit him at all, so he resolved to make the werewolf speak, even if he had to drag the words out. "And then what happened?"

Remus swallowed uncomfortably, tears threatening to come again. "He…he…" Remus couldn't force the words out again; couldn't relive the humiliation, the sense of un-cleanliness that speaking those three little words brought.

"He what?" James pressed.

"He raped me." The normally melodious voice was dead and the lycan's bright, knowledgeable gaze was dimmed. He was a shell, his insides burned, blackened, ruined…

James quickly pushed aside his rage, even as his hands curled into fists and Lily hissed murderously beside him. "And does Padfoot-?"

"I told him," Remus replied, sighing. "We fought because…because I didn't want to talk about it. Because I can't talk about it, James…" He raised his dead eyes to his friend's gaze. "I'm an idiot, aren't I?" he whispered, knowing the answer already.

"No, Remus," Lily began, rubbing his arm lightly. "No, you're not an-"

"Yeah, you are," James cut in sharply. Two heads whipped up to glare at him. "You are. Why did you push him away like that, Mooney? Why?"

"You think…you think this is my fault?" Remus demanded hysterically.

"Don't be thick," James replied, his voice softer, gentler now. "It's not your fault at all, Remus, that this happened to you. But it is your fault for pushing Sirius away again. He loves you, more than anything or anyone else, mate, and by doing this to him… Look, I know you Remus, and I know you want to be alone right now probably, and you want me to shut up, but I'm telling you this because I love you and goddamn it all I'm fucking scared for you. This is the kind of shit that destroys people…just...don't let it destroy you. We all want to see you work through this, just like everything else you've worked through, Mooney, and Sirius most of all."

Remus stared at James, the silence after his impassioned little spiel ringing and buzzing like mad wasps with bells on in the lycanthrope's ears. A tiny voice still insisted it was his fault, but for the most part, all Remus could focus on was the fact that what James was saying actually seemed…right. Logical; obvious even. He had, in his attempt to shield himself, hurt the one person he had never wanted to.

He knew what Sirius had done for him, what Sirius had sacrificed for him – an inheritance, his family, dozens of luxuries – and he had vowed to himself that he would never hurt his brunet other half. But yet, here he was, breaking his promise to the man he wanted to spend eternity and beyond with. Here he was being the thing he had sworn he would be never be in Sirius' life at the tender age of seventeen; another person who left.

"I should go back," he whispered more to himself than anyone. Lily's mouth pursed but she didn't say anything (even though she was itching to demand that the lycanthrope stay put at least as long as it would take for her to check and make sure his wounds were sealed and cleaned properly). James almost successfully covered the gloating smile that erupted across his lips, but couldn't erase the smug expression on his face as he nodded.

Sighing, Remus got heavily to his feet. His shoulders still sagged with the weight of unchangeable facts and slumped with the burden of guilt, but the empty hollowness was gone from his eyes and a tiny spark of his old self seemed to flicker in the amber orbs. "Thank you," he murmured, staring intently at his own shoes, "for everything." A tiny smile broke around the corners of Remus' mouth and he stepped forward into his friend's embrace.

"How many times have I told you to stop thanking me?" James teased, pressing the thinner man closer gingerly as the werewolf clung to him.

Clearing his throat, Remus stepped away. "See you two later," he rasped in a husky voice, thick with emotion. Fear and trepidation at what he had to do; anxiety over what Sirius would do; sadness at what had happened; and most importantly, hope. Hope for a new future with someone who loved him, really and truly, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

XXX

Padfoot paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... It had always seemed easier for Sirius to slip into his Animagus form, especially under times of mental duress. His mental state was dulled, or simplified rather, into his needs. Food, sleep, sex; as Padfoot it was just so much easier. Until now of course...

Because while under the guise of his other self, all he could think about was Remus; his pack member, his mate, his other fucking half. Remus, Remus, Remus... The lycan's smell, the way one side of his mouth always slacked off at the beginnings of a smile, the steady, even thrum of his heartbeat...the way he would whisper Sirius' name in the soft repletion of sated desire; all of it. Remus, Remus, Remus...

The large black dog whimpered, his ears drooping as his pacing slowed, and he dropped down onto his haunches. Remus, Remus, Remus... Merlin he needed him; now more than ever. He would beg his beloved on bended knee, repent a million times over for his utter and complete stupidity. Who the hell was he to force Remus into discussing what was obviously a fresh, throbbing wound? He was a bloody hypocrite, that's who. Did Remus ever try to make _him_ open up about things that were painful? Never.

Goddamn it, why was he so bloody thick all the time!? He'd gone and fucked things up with the one person he'd vowed he would never hurt... Again. Padfoot sighed and slid down onto his belly, head feeling heavy on his paws. Remus, Remus, Remus...

Closing his eyes, Sirius pushed his canine mind to remember every last detail of Remus - not as he'd seen him just hours ago, but as he preferred to think of Remus - asleep and relaxed, face cherubic without the cares of the world, a half smile melting Sirius' heart as the lycan snuggled in closer to him unconsciously. The delicate lattice of scars that mapped the route to bliss, the caramel strands of hair left in perfect disarray across the snowy pillow and their ivory skin. The soft, comforting scent of old books, machine-washed clothing (Remus loathed the spots magic sometimes left behind), faint hints of chocolate and cigarette smoke, and a downright _Remus_ scent that was woodsy and wild and drove Sirius fucking mad.

Remus, Remus, Remus... Oh gods. Padfoot's eyes snapped open to land upon Remus, looking not like he had in Sirius' mind, but how he'd last seen him. A tortured yelp slipped free as Padfoot tried to shake the ghost image away from his eyes before gentle hands smoothed down over his ears, scratching in _just_ the right spot.

"I'm sorry Paddy," the bloody-shirted man whispered to the shaggy, hulking black dog. "For pretty much everything, but mostly for hurting you... I just...I love you and I know I'm not...y'know...the same anymore..." The dog growled low and soft, effectively cutting Remus off before shaking his head. After years of experience, Remus knew exactly what the pureblood was thinking; 'Stop apologizing! And damn it how many times do I have to tell you to STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT!?'

Sirius inhaled deeply, wrinkling his nose slightly at the unpleasantness of blood marring his love's smell, but thoroughly enjoying it otherwise. He huffed gently and licked Remus' face.

A small smile lit the amber-eyed young man's mouth and Sirius' heart ablaze. "Oh Sirius," Remus whispered, a pair of hot, salty tears shimmying down his cheeks as emotion overflowed in him. A sob wracked his lithe frame. "Oh God I'm so sorry..."

And then it wasn't Padfoot's neck his face was buried in, nor Padfoot's hair his fingers clenched in, but Sirius'. Sirius' arms that wrapped around him and Sirius' mouth that whispered that everything would be alright and to _please_ stop apologising. There was no fear left in Remus, just a hollow, cold emptiness, and he curled closer to his lover, craving heat and love and protection.

Whether they half-laid-half-sat there for hours or minutes, neither were sure, but there was no need to speak (even if the tears hadnt clogged Remus' throat), no need to do more than listen to each other's breathing and heartbeats and trace myriad patterns over one another's clothing.

"I..." Remus paused, the shattering of their perfect silence overwhelming him. But he had to say the words. "I love you," he whispered roughly, "and please, don't hate me."

"Remus, you know I love you," Sirius whispered back, eyes closing as the lump in his own throat grew, "and I could never hate you."

"I have to tell you something," Remus murmured, voice muffled in the pale column of the Animagus' neck.

"Shh, you don't have to tell me Remus," the brunet replied, gently weaving his fingers through the soft strands of honey brown hair.

"No, I do... Sirius, I..." His face crumpled in tandem with his courage and he gripped his other half tighter, unable to say the words. He was horrible, worse than any sort of beast he turned into once a month... He would never escape it, even in the Muggle world. He was a fucking _monster_. The lycanthrope drew in a deep shuddering breath and forced his mouth to form the words as his exhalation rumbled across his voice box.

"After...after he..." Remus couldn't say the word, but Sirius didn't need him to, "after he finished, I...I went out to leave, and...and I was so tired, but I knew...I knew I had to get out..."

The line of Sirius' jaw hardened at the reminder of what he owed Michael, but his voice was like velvet when he murmured "Go on, love, I'm here."

"I went into the kitchen, and...and there was this knife... I know it sounds stupid, but...but I couldn't stop myself from reaching out and picking it up. It was light and it felt so..._right_ in my hand...and I couldn't help but wonder..." A shudder rattled Remus' teeth and rippled through his muscles. "I couldn't help but wonder...if it was some kind of...sign." He swallowed thickly, his mouth and throat drier than any desert. He could feel the tension under Sirius' skin, turning his normally pliant body into hard, steel girders, but he plowed on ruthlessly even as his heart threatened to jump out of the front of his shirt it was pounding so hard.

"I wanted to stick it as far as I could into his chest," Remus whispered hollowly. "I wanted to make him hurt, I wanted to know I was in control... I wanted to laugh at him while I watched him bleed to death..." His face buried into the brunet's shirt even more, so that Sirius had to strain his ears to catch the werewolf's mumbles. "I'm a monster," he rasped before dissolving into fresh, hot, salty tears.

Sirius cleared his throat as his own eyes beaded with moisture. His mind was whirling, trying to comprehend what Remus was saying and implying and not saying... "You're not a monster," he murmured back fervently, chest aching with love for this broken man. "Remus, what happened...? I mean...did you...?" He hated himself for asking, for even daring to doubt that his Remus would do the good and noble thing.

But in reality, he was the Remus Sirius knew (and loved so entirely) no more. He was different...Michael had _made_ him different. And even if Remus somehow made it through this storm intact, Sirius was smart enough to realize that he still wouldn`t be the same old Remus. The mental scars of what that blond motherfucker had done to him would linger just as long as the pearlescent lines criss-crossing his body.

His fists had curled into tight fists against Remus' back and it took a supreme force of will for Sirius to force them back into flat, soothing palms. He commanded his lungs to expand and deflate in a relaxing, soft rhythm despite the fact his nostrils flared with every breath out. Raging and storming and seeking some kind of bloodthirsty vengeance wasn't what Remus needed from him right now.

The lycan still hadn't responded even though he had managed to mostly control the flow of tears. "Remus?" The Animagus hated that his voice cracked on the simple, two-syllable name even as a chill of foreboding slithered up his spine.

Burning amber eyes met his and Remus opened his mouth to speak, except that no words could come out. His throat felt like he had been screaming for the last ten minutes straight; hoarse and dry and rough, and his mouth was too dry to swallow for some attempt at relief. And yet, Sirius _had_ to know the truth of what had happened.

Remus' vocal chords seemed to kick back into life and words began to pour out, tumbling into one another as the flood he'd tried to keep at bay was unleashed. "I-I walked into the...the b-bedroom," Remus stuttered as his body began to tremble and quake more violently than before, "and he was j-just lying there..." A particularily fierce shudder wracked him, his teeth knocking delicately together as his muscles clenched and rode out the shiver. "It was s-s-so warm in my hand, that knife, and I pictured myself j-just...just sticking it in him and leaving it there..."

Sirius wanted to plug his ears and start humming off-key to block out the words coming from his love's mouth. The large part of him didn't want to hear any of it; none of the moral questions that must have ran through Remus' mind and none of the burning needs for revenge. And yet there was a tiny, morbid part of him that was ravishingly hungry for every last sordid detail; a part that wanted every miniscule flicker of emotion and every last self doubt that had floated through Remus' magnificently complex brain.

It was this urge to understand, this hunger to know the intimate truth of what the lycanthrope had _done_ to the sonofabitch, that kept Sirius from pulling away and cutting Remus off. He licked his lips and tightened his hold minutely on the thinner man in a mute show of support.

This seemed to be just what Remus needed, as his body's malicious tremours lessened by an increment and the last brutal words spilled forth. "But I couldn't," he whispered, almost sounding ashamed. "I know that it was right to walk away, and that I did the right thing... I know logically that I'm the better person for that, but... But even if I had decided right then that I was going to kill him, I couldn't have."

"Why?' The Animagus had to try three times to force the word out of his mouth, and it still came out hoarse and broken.

Remus looked up, his face tear-stained but his eyes dry now. "Because once upon a time...I think... I think I loved him once upon a time, and despite everything he did to me, despite the fact he deserves death more than anyone else I know, I couldn't be the one to deliver it. I didn't want to see the life leaving his body in a red pool. I didn't want to live up to what everyone thinks I should be..." He seemed to struggle to get his thoughts out in words that the brunet might understand to some degree. "I didn't want his blood on my hands. I didn't want to be like him...like a monster."

Sirius wanted to punch himself as the tears welled in his eyes. Why the bloody hell was he tearing up for Merlin's sake? He had the love of his life in his arms, safe and warm and solidly real, and his heart was bursting with pride and joy at the strength of Remus' moral fibre; why should he be blubbering like an over-emotional first-year feeling homesick at Hogwarts? "You could never be like him, Mooney," he whispered roughly as he hastily swiped at the moisture in his eyes, blurring his vision.

A ghost of a smile flitted across Remus lips, upturning them at the corners slightly, and instead of replying, simply burrowed into the canine's infectious warmth and closed his eyes as sweet, heavy exhaustion cloaked him once again. It had been a long night - _too _long - and all he wanted now was a hot bath and a warm bed. But for now, Sirius would do nicely.

XXX

"Are you hungry? I could pop over to Honeydukes' and be back in a second if you want some sweets... Or would you rather something from the Three Broomsticks? I could persuade Rosmerta to whip us up a feast and a half if you'd like."

Remus yawned lazily and rolled over in bed. "I'm fine Sirius," he murmured through a yawn and his pillow. The Animagus fidgeted uncomfortably as he stood at the foot of his own bed.

After Remus had unceremoniously passed out in his arms the previous evening, it had been almost impossible to pry himself away from the cherubic-faced, sleeping werewolf. However, Sirius knew that it would take more than a good night's rest for Remus to put his demons behind him and he didn't want to hinder that process with his own selfishness. Shaking this discouraging thought from his head, Sirius pasted on a motherly sort of frown. "You do have to eat, y'know," he chastised gently.

"Yes, thank you _Mum_," Remus replied, just a hint of annoyance colouring his tone. He'd never really enjoyed how overbearing and downright _forceful_ Sirius could be when he went on a mothering tangent, and had no desire to really put up much of a fight right then. "But I'm not particularily hungry right now."

His body ached in the strangest of places and the empty sort of hollowness that felt as though it might consume him in James and Lily's sitting room was back, though thankfully much less intense. Now it was just a dull kind of ache that gnawed at him and kept a constant reminder of the previous night's happenings in the fore of his mind.

And yet, Remus couldn't really bring himself to be unhappy. Not with the morning sunshine gilding the glass of water on Sirius' bedstand, and Sirius himself hovering nearby. And despite the aches in his body from Michael's blows and restraints, Remus felt something he hadn't expected to feel for a long time.

Seeing the long, hard expanse of Sirius' body in the deep shadow of a heavily lined curtain, the sun just managing to glint of the button on his jeans and the fading glitter on his Brian Slade t-shirt, swirled a dangerous cocktail of mingled desire and revulsion, wantful need and disgusted loathing through Remus' brain. His mouth watered and his mind recoiled at the thought of what Sirius' deliciously hard cock would look like now, the pre-come slicked tip shining just as invitingly as the button on those damnable jeans was.

Swallowing thickly, Remus shifted and started as he felt his half-hard member throb. It hadn't been that long, and yet it seemed an age since he and Sirius last... But no. No, it would be foolish to do something like that now - especially in his already fragile state of mind. Surely it was better he resist the temptation of Sirius' hands and mouth and body to smother the sense of inadequacy that thrilled through him at the thoughts of what Michael had done to him. But damn it if he didn't want the other man...

He sat up, bunching his bedclothes conveniently around the faint lump in his lap. "What's the time?" he asked, trying to ignore than animal quality of Sirius' muscles as he sank onto the foot of the bed facing his mate.

"Just after eleven. You can go back to sleep if you're still tired... You had a rough night." A jaw-cracking yawn split the Animagus' mouth open wide and he stretched, precious inches of stomach flashing into sight briefly as the glittery shirt rode up.

"So did you," Remus pointed out. He patted the covers next to himself, trying to reason away his motives logically, because he certainly didn;t want Sirius to flop down so he could steal another tantalising look at his stupendous body. "You look like you haven't slept a wink."

Sirius hadn't. He'd been too worried - far too worried - about Remus to do much more than pace anxiously beside the sleeping lycan's door, checking on him at every little sound. His fingernails, once smooth and buffed and polished to a hearty shine, were now dull and ragged from his overactive teeth. So it was realyl no surprise that Sirius would flake out beside Remus in bed, allowing himself a few blissful moments of peace, breathing deep Remus' scent in his sheets.

"I should shower," Remus said after a fair few moments, sure that his partial erection had subsided enough to stand comfortably. He winced as he felt the scabbed-over cuts tugging at their fragile hold on his skin across his back and arms. "Or maybe take the bath I never got 'round to last night."

Having fallen asleep in the hazy warmth of Sirius' embrace, Remus had never gotten the bath he'd longed for, and while it was no longer to try and force some kind of heat into the freezing marrow his bones, he still had the urge to scrub the dried blood and grime from himself. He wanted to wash away all the traces of Michael from his body.

Sirius rolled over and smiled. "Anything you want Mooney. I'll go draw the water for you, shall I? Bubbles?" Sirius was already halfway to the door as Remus nodded his assent to bubbles and threw off his blankets.

Disrobing was uncomfortable, as in many places, weeping cuts had dried and attached his clothing to his body, but once Remus was comfortably stripped down to his underwear, he padded softly out of the bedroom and down the hall toward the the sound of running water.

"There, you are, I was wondering what was taking you so bloody lo..." Sirius trailed off as he gazed over his shoulder and spotted a mostly naked Remus leaning against the door jamb to his bathroom. It shouldn't have looked so perfectly sexy with the touseled tufts of the lycan's hair sticking up at random angles and the hard, sensual lines of Remus' familiar body, but... Merlin-damn-it, it was.

Sirius had to mental shake himself to prevent the rush of blood to his prick that he could feel building. The last thing he wanted was to freak Remus out with an unwanted hard-on.

"Bath's all ready," he said in a slightly deeper, more melodious voice than he meant, instantly regretting his lapse in sanity as a shudder coursed through Remus and goosebumps broke out over his flesh. The hungry look must have shown in Sirius' eyes... He forced his arousal down even as it flared defiantly, and hurriedly excused himself with something muttered about towels.

Remus let go of the breath he'd been holding as the warm waft of Sirius-scented air brushed past him in the brunet's wake. He'd seen the desire in Sirius' eyes, felt the hot focus of his passionate counterpart's gaze as it roamed freely, appraisingly over him and hadn't been able to suppress the shudder of attraction or the goosebumps of arousal. The sandy-haired man felt his face flush slightly as even more blood surged to his cock.

Teeth sinking into the plump flesh of his lower lip, Remus' hand ghosted over the bulge in his pants, breath coming tremulously. Shame glowed on his cheeks... He shouldn't feel this way; he shouldn't want Sirius so fucking _badly_ as he did, not after what...what _he_ had done, the memory still fresh and sharp, cutting painfully into Remus' mind. Yet still, he ached to feel not his own hand, but Sirius', on the steadily hardening length of his phallus, longed to watch him drop obediently to his knees and wrap his pefectly aristocratic lips around the head of his cock...

Remus' eyes snapped open suddenly and he quickly stepped out of his underpants, taking two long strides to the tub before sinking gratefully down into it. The water was just hot enough to soothe, not aggravate his cuts, and felt glorious on his almost rock hard member to boot.

Just as he was settling in and starting to feel his muscles loosen up, there was a soft knock on the door. "Remus?" Sirius asked lightly. "You decent?" A nervous laugh followed, muffled through the door. Remus couldn't help but grin. Fine pair they were; him not acting as he should given his currently turbulent mental state and situation, Sirius behaving, for possibly the first time in his life, in a manner that put another before himself.

"I'm decent," he replied, covering himself with a small mountain of bubbles. "It's perfect," he sighed as Sirius poked his head in the door.

"I, er...I found some towels," Sirius said awkwardly, leaning in to put the towels on the counter. Remus rolled his eyes.

"You can step in, Sirius."

The Animagus blinked and then smiled slightly shiftily and edged into the room, closing the door behind him. He gave the room cursory glance and made immediately for the toilet. Closing the lid, he sat down, facing his lupine friend and seemingly-not-meant-to-be lover. Remus gnawed his lower lip again as his cock hardened impossibly more in the bubbles, the soft rustling pop of the suds exquisite against the hot flesh.

Sirius swallowed unsatisfactorily as Remus' darkened amber eyes held his own shadowed silver ones and sexual chemisrty flared and arced between their bodies. "Are you stiff? You...you didn't seem like you moved much in your sleep," he said softly. Remus rolled his shoulders and shrugged.

"A bit," he admitted, not feeling bad about the generous embellishment of discomfort. His mind was several steps ahead, imagining Sirius' bath-warmed hands gliding up his chest, brushing a nipple... Oh fucking Merlin, _yes_!

"D'you...maybe...that's to say, would you... Er, I could, maybe y'know...give you a massage...if you wanted," Sirius offered, deliciously sculpted cheekbones pinkening at his inability to speak coherently.

Remus sat up carefully, rearranging his bubbles, but unable to stop his hand twitching toward his cock before he regained control of it and forced it to be still. The young werewolf didn't think before he spoke, so intent was his focus on the steady throb of his cock and the astonishingly _fast_ rate of his bubble bath covering dissolving away. "Why would I mind? You've given me massages before...after full moons and such."

Sirius nodded along eagerly as he sank to kneel behind the skillfully Transfigured clawfoot bathtub, his conscience abating slightly at Remus' obvious interest in physical contact. _Greedy, greedy, greedy!_ a nasty voice in his head murmured to him as his fingers and hands and forearms dipped into the steaming tub to warm up. He pushed the voice away, focusing on his movements around Remus. It was like approaching a unicorn (as everyone knows unicorns prefer a woman's touch); he had to be gentle and cautious and quiet and, most of all, move very slowly.

With the precise skill of a surgeon and the gentle touch of a feathered quill the brunet's fingers worked up the lycanthropes back, slowly, patiently easing out the knots and sore spots, smoothing over the poorly healing glass cuts across his shoulder blade and back with the barest of brush of fingertip. And as his fingers moved deftly up the pale smooth expanse of the back of Remus' neck, he couldn't help but whisper, "I love you." His breath was ragged with unspoken needs and Remus had to fist his hand as his heart rendered his voice useless due to immense swelling.

Instead he sought to catch Sirius' gaze, lifting one hand from his bath, dripping lacy clumps of bubbles, to raise the Animagus' chin and face. He couldn't speak past the lump his bursting heart had formed in his throat, and so did the only thing he could think of to convey the words he wished he could say.

Remus leaned forward, still holding Sirius' chin in his bubbly grasp, and kissed him tenderly on the mouth.

XXX

**Author's Note: **YAY! Three days in a row off helped me FINALLY finish this... Again I'm SO SORRY for the horrid late-ness of it, but I never forgot about it!! Expect the final chapter to be up... Oh hopefully before the year is done. . I love you all! Do you love me? Review...? Even Though I'm horrible and leave you with cliffies and never update... :D 'Getcha freak on!' Cheers!!

PS. - You got a longer-than-it-was-gonna-be chapter! YAY! XD


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